Artur Boruc’s Friday Rage List

Brooks Peck
Dirty Tackle

AAAAHHHHHHHH I AM ARTUR BORUC AND THIS IS A LIST OF THINGS THAT MADE ME ANGRY THIS WEEK:

1. LET'S GO -- AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2. MEXICAN CLUB PUTTING TWITTER HANDLES ON PLAYER'S SHIRTS -- I DON'T HAVE A TWITTER HANDLE BUT I DO HAVE A PICTURE OF A GRANDFATHER GETTING STABBED BY A FLAMING SWORD WITH SNAKE WRAPPED AROUND IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I WANTED THAT ON MY SHIRT INSTEAD OF MY NAME BUT FIORENTINA SAID IT WASN'T POSSIBLE!!!!!!!!!!!! THAT'S DISCRIMINATION!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

3. PITCH INVADER PUNCHING A STEAUA BUCHAREST PLAYER -- WHY DOES VIOLENCE LIKE THIS EXIST?!?!?!??!!? WHY CAN'T WE ALL JUST PUNCH EACH OTHER FROM THE FRONT LIKE DECENT HUMAN BEINGS!??!?!?!?!? AHHHHHHHHHH WHAT IS THE WORLD COMING TO?!!???!?!?!??!!? SUCKER PUNCHES!!!!! THAT'S WHAT!!!!!!!

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4. CORN -- I WAS RIGHT!!!!!!!!!!!! I WAS RIGHT!!!!!!!!!!!!! OH GOD I WAS RIGHT!!!!!!!!! REPENT BEFORE THE CORN TURNS YOUR FAMILY INTO HOUSE MUSICIANS WITHOUT A PENSION PLAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

5. BILLY SHARP'S GOAL FROM HEAVEN -- THIS MADE ME CRY AND FEEL WARM INSIDE!!!!!!!!! THEN IT MADE ME ANGRY FOR REASONS THAT I CANNOT FULLY COMPREHEND!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH I JUST PUNCHED A CLOCK AND NOW I DON'T KNOW WHAT TIME IT IS ANYMORE!!!!!!!!!!!!

6. 30-FOOT MARIO BALOTELLI FILLED WITH FIREWORKS -- I WANT TO LIVE INSIDE OF IT FOREVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

7. WORLD RECORD HEADER -- THIS IS JUST STUPID!!!!!!!!! STUPID!!!!!!!!!!!! I'M ACTUALLY MORE ANGRY AT THE GOALKEEPER FOR LETTING THIS HAPPEN THAN I AM AT THE HEAD THAT DID IT!!!!!!!!!!! IF I EVER SEE THIS GOALKEEPER IN AN OUTDOOR MARKET I WILL IGNORE HIM SO HARD THAT A POTATO WILL ROT IN HIS HAND!!!!!!!!!!!!

8. 74 LASHES FOR A GRAB ASS GOAL CELEBRATION -- THIS IS AN UNJUST PUNISHMENT!!!!!!!!!!!!! WHIPPING PEOPLE IS CRUELTY AND UNCREATIVE!!!!!!!!!! WHAT HAPPENED TO HAVING DRAGONS MELT PEOPLE'S FACES OR ELVES MESSING WITH YOUR EARS WHILE YOU SLEEP!?!!?!?!?! SERIOUSLY!!!!!!!! WHAT HAPPENED TO THAT?!??!?!!?

9. MY IDIOT NEIGHBOR DAN WYKOWSKI -- SO I WAS EATING A BIALY MADE WITH ASBESTOS AND GARLIC WHEN I DECIDED TO GO TO THE LIBRARY!!!!!!!!!!!!! I WASN'T SURE LIBRARIES STILL EXIST ANYMORE SO I WAS VERY SURPRISED WHEN I FOUND THAT THEY DO!!!!!!!! THERE WERE BOOKS EVERYWHERE!!!!!!!!!!!!! I READ ABOUT THINGS THAT MAKE MY MIND MORE DANGEROUS THAN A PIG FILLED WITH ILLITERATE LEPRECHAUNS!!!!!!!!!!!!!! THIS STORY HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH MY IDIOT NEIGHBOR DAN WYKOWSKI OR EITHER OF HIS GOOBER KIDS BUT HE IS STILL AN IDIOT FOR REASONS THAT I CANNOT EVEN BEGIN TO ENUMERATE!!!!!!!!!! I LEARNED THAT WORD AT THE LIBRARY!!!!!!!!!!!! AHHHHHHHHHHH I WISH WORDS COULD ACTUALLY CAUSE PHYSICAL DAMAGE AND UNCONTROLLABLE NOSE BLEEDING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I AM ARTUR BORUC AND THIS HAS BEEN MY RAGE LIST. SEE YOU NEXT WEEK! GOD BLESS!!!!!!

Photo: Getty