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Dirty Tackle

Artur Boruc’s Friday Rage List

Brooks Peck
Dirty Tackle

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AAAAHHHHHHHH I AM ARTUR BORUC AND THIS IS A LIST OF THINGS THAT MADE ME ANGRY THIS WEEK:

1. BREATHING FIRE -- AHHHHHHHHHHHHH WHY CAN'T I DO IT?!!?!??!??!?!?!?!

2. PEOPLE ATTACKING REFEREES -- GET A GRIP!!!!!!!!!!!! BEING A REFEREE IS A THANKLESS JOB AND YES THEY DO MAKE MISTAKES SOMETIMES BUT THAT'S BECAUSE THEY ARE HUMAN LIKE YOU!!!!!!!!!! IF PEOPLE KEEP ATTACKING THEM THEY WILL JUST REPLACE REFEREES WITH ROBOTS THAT HAVE TASERS IN THEIR MOUTHS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! THE ROBOTS WILL THEN TURN ON US AND USE PEOPLE WHO ATTEND FOOTBALL MATCHES AS SWEATSHOP WORKERS!!!!!!!!! IS THIS WHAT YOU WANT?!?!??!?!??! IS THIS WHAT YOU WANT?!?!?!?!??!??!?!?!?

3. MESSI'S NEW LOGO -- WHY DOES HE GET A LOGO AND I DON'T!?!?!?!?!?!? MIND WOULD BE SO MUCH BETTER!!!!!!!!! IT WOULD FEATURE A PICTURE OF ME TEACHING AN OLD MAN HOW TO READ WHILE STABBING A DRAGON IN THE FACE WITH A COMPUTER!!!!!!!!!! AHHHHHHHHHH IT'S EVEN HARDER TO DRAW THAN IT SOUNDS!!!!!!!!!!

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4. CORN -- I FOUND POPCORN IN MY LAWN SO I BURNED THE WHOLE YARD!!!!!!!!!! AHHHHHHHHHH THE KERNELED MENACE KNOWS WHERE I LIVE AND HAS PROBABLY SEEN WHERE I DEFECATE!!!!!!!!!!!!

5. THE MARIO BALOTELLI LOOKALIKE AT WWE RAW -- I WENT TO A WWE EVENT ONCE BUT I HAVE SINCE BEEN BANNED FOR LIFE BECAUSE I TRIED TO PARTICIPATE IN SEVERAL OF THE MATCHES WITH A SLAB OF WOOD WRAPPED IN BARBED WIRE I CARRY WITH ME EVERYWHERE!!!!!!!!!!! AHHHHHHHHHHH IT'S NOT MY FAULT THAT THEY DON'T MAKE IT ABUNDANTLY CLEAR THAT THIS IS FROWNED UPON!!!!!!!!!!

6. THE FOOTBALLER WHO NAMED HIS KID "TRENDY" -- WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT?!??!?!!?!?!? CHILDREN DESERVE STRONG NAMES LIKE "BRUCE" OR "SHANIA"!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AHHHHHHHHHHH NO ONE WOULD EVER MESS WITH BRUCE BORUC!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

7. PETR CECH'S HEADGEAR -- IT'S NOT FAIR!!!!!!!!!!!!! WHENEVER I TRY TO WEAR A HORNET'S NEST ON MY HEAD WITH A WORKING CANNON ATTACHED TO IT THE REFS MAKE ME TAKE IT OFF!!!!!!!!!!!!! IT'S NOT MY FAULT MY SKULL IS INCAPABLE OF BREAKING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

8. RONALDO GIVING BOSNIA FANS THE FINGER -- I WOULD DO THE SAME THING!!!!!!!!! EXCEPT I WOULD GIVE THEM THE FINGER IN THE FORM OF A HEADBUTT TO THEIR COLON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! COLONBUTT!!!!!!!!!!

9. MY IDIOT NEIGHBOR DAN WYKOWSKI -- SO I WAS OVER AT MY IDIOT NEIGHBOR DAN WYKWOSKI'S HOUSE ON TUESDAY TELLING HIM AND HIS TWO GOOBER KIDS ABOUT THE GUY WHO NAMED HIS KID "TRENDY" AND SNAPPING ALL HIS PLASTIC SILVERWARE JUST BECAUSE I'M STRONG ENOUGH TO DO THAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! THE GOOBER KIDS THEN ASKED ME IF I THOUGHT THEIR NAMES WERE BETTER THAN "TRENDY" AND AT THAT MOMENT I REALIZED THAT I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT THEIR STUPID GOOBER NAMES ARE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! INSTEAD OF ADMITTING THIS I SCREAMED LOUD ENOUGH TO IMPREGNATE A RACCOON THEN I TURNED ON THEIR BLENDER AND STUCK MY HAND IN IT!!!!!!!!!!!!! I THOUGHT THAT WOULD SERVE AS A DIVERSION BUT IT TURNS OUT THEIR BLENDER HAS A SAFETY FEATURE THAT AUTOMATICALLY SHUTS IT OFF WHEN SOMEONE STICKS THEIR HAND IN IT!!!!!!!!!!!! IT WAS AWFUL!!!!!!!!!!!! SO INSTEAD I TOLD THE GOOBER KIDS THAT THEIR NAMES SHOULD BE "BEAUTIFUL" AND "GENIUS" BECAUSE THEY'RE BOTH SO WONDERFUL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! THEY LIKED THAT!!!!!!!!!!!! AHHHHHHHHHHH I HOPE REALIZED THAT I WAS LYING JUST BEFORE THEY FELL ASLEEP THAT NIGHT AND USE IT AS A REASON TO BETTER THEMSELVES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I AM ARTUR BORUC AND THIS HAS BEEN MY RAGE LIST. SEE YOU NEXT WEEK! GOD BLESS!!!!!!

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