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Dirty Tackle

Artur Boruc’s Friday Rage List

Brooks Peck
Dirty Tackle

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Artur has a think. (Getty)

AAAAHHHHHHHH I AM ARTUR BORUC AND THIS IS A LIST OF THINGS THAT MADE ME ANGRY THIS WEEK:

1. THINKING ABOUT THINGS -- AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2. ARSENAL PLAYERS DOING BALLET -- SO WHAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! IT'S BEEN SEVERAL YEARS SINCE I COMBINED BALLET WITH MY OWN BRAND OF MARTIAL ARTS TO CREATE A LETHAL YET ELEGANT DANCE STYLE!!!!!!!!!!!!! IT'S CALLED "CANKER SORE" AND NO I DIDN'T KNOW THAT WAS AN ACTUAL MEDICAL CONDITION UNTIL AFTER I ALREADY FILED THE PAPERWORK TO NAME SO STOP ASKING ALREADY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

3. WOJCIECH SZCZESNY PRETENDING TO DRINK A BEER THROWN DURING A MATCH -- THIS KID HAS LEARNED NOTHING FROM ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! NOTHING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! IF SOMEONE THROWS A BOTTLE IN YOUR DIRECTION YOU IMMEDIATELY BREAK IT OVER YOUR HEAD WHILE SCREAMING UNTIL BLOOD SHOOTS OUT OF YOUR ADAM'S APPLE AND THEN YOU CHUG A GALLON OF THE PAINT THINNER YOU KEEP IN YOUR SOCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AHHHHHHHH THIS IS EXACTLY WHY POLAND STILL NEEDS ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!

4. CORN --SPEAKING OF POLAND I'M GLAD THEY FINALLY LISTENED TO ME AND BANNED GENETICALLY MODIFIED DEVIL CORN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! NOW DO YOU SEE WOJCIECH!?!?!?!??!!??!?? WHEN PEOPLE LISTEN TO ME LIVES GET SAVED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AND SOMETIMES EYEBALLS POP OUT OF THEIR HEADS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AHHHHHHHHHH EYEBALLS POP OUT OF THEIR HEADS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

5. CARLES PUYOL GETTING HIS FACE STAPLED - THIS IS NOT IMPRESSIVE AT ALL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! A REAL MAN USES A NAIL GUN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

6. FELIPE BALOY TAKING PICTURE WITH KIDS AND NUDIE MAGAZINES -- WHEN HE DOES THIS EVERYONE THINKS ITS FUNNY BUT WHEN I GIVE A YOUNG FAN MY NAIL GUN AND TELL HIM TO TAKE HIS BEST SHOT EVERYONE FREAKS OUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! SORRY EVERYONE!!!!!!!!!!!! EXCEPT I'M NOT AT ALL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! OK I AM A LITTLE BIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AHHHHHHHHH STOP LOOKING AT ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

7. FULHAM'S TRAINING GROUND CHICKENS -- CHICKENS EAT CORN!!!!!!!!!!!! CHICKENS EAT CORN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

8. DORTMUND'S MASCOT PEEING ON BAYERN'S BUS -- THIS IS A LIST OF THINGS I HAVE URINATED ON IN THE LAST TWO DAYS ALONE: 17 WALLS!!!!!! A GRILL!!!!!! MY GROCERY LIST!!!!! AN ENTIRE HAM!!!!!!!!! A PICTURE OF ANTARCTICA!!!!!!!! AND A HAIR STRAIGHTENER!!!!!!!!! THAT LAST ONE WAS AN ACCIDENT THOUGH AND I'M STILL UPSET ABOUT IT SO DON'T YOU DARE TALK ABOUT IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AHHHHHHHHH I JUST REALIZED I PROBABLY SHOULDN'T BE URINATING THAT MUCH IN JUST TWO DAYS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

9. MY IDIOT NEIGHBOR DAN WYKOWSKI -- SO I WAS TRYING TO CELEBRATE EASTER IN MY OWN PRIVATE WAY BY CONTINUOUSLY HEADBUTTING THE EARTH SINCE THAT'S THE CLOSEST I CAN GET TO FIGHTING PONTIUS PILATE FROM THURSDAY THROUGH SUNDAY LAST WEEK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! BUT AT SOME POINT DURING MY CELEBRATION MY IDIOT NEIGHBOR DAN WYKOWSKI CAME INTO MY HOUSE EVEN THOUGH I NEVER GAVE HIM PERMISSION TO DO SO AND HE SHOULD KNOW THAT I HATE IT EVEN THOUGH I HAVE NEVER GIVEN HIM ANY SIGNS THAT THAT IS TRUE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! HE ASKED IF I WANTED TO HAVE EASTER DINNER WITH HIM AND HIS GOOBER KIDS SO I POLITELY SAID "OF COURSE I WOULD LOVE TO DO THAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" EXCEPT I SAID IT IN A WAY SO HE WOULD KNOW THAT HE IS ABOUT 36 TIMES WORSE THAN PONTIUS PILATE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! SO I WENT TO HIS HOUSE AND HAD DINNER WITH THE GOOBERS AND WE LAUGHED ALL NIGHT UNTIL ALL THE HEADBUTTING FINALLY CAUGHT UP TO ME AND I BLACKED OUT INSIDE THE WASHING MACHINE!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AHHHHHHHH I LOVE HOLIDAYS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I AM ARTUR BORUC AND THIS HAS BEEN MY RAGE LIST. SEE YOU NEXT WEEK! GOD BLESS!!!!!!

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