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Dirty Tackle

Artur Boruc’s Friday Rage List

Dirty Tackle

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Artur Boruc making his "happy" face. (AP)

AAAAHHHHHHHH I AM ARTUR BORUC AND THIS IS A LIST OF THINGS THAT MADE ME ANGRY THIS WEEK:

1. BALL -- COME BACK HERE!!!!!!!!!!! COME BACK HERE RIGHT NOW!!!!!!!!!! AHHHHHHHHH IF MY LEG STOPS WORKING FROM BENDING LIKE THIS I'M GOING TO USE IT TO BEAT THE CRUD OUT OF RODRIGO PALACIO'S CAR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2. PLAYING THE CHAMPIONS LEAGUE ANTHEM AT A WEDDING -- THIS IS NOT ACCEPTABLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!! IT'S NOT ACCEPTABLE AT ALL!!!!!!!!!!!!!! THE ONLY WAY TO PROPERLY MARK A SACRED OCCASION LIKE A WEDDING IS BY SCREAMING INTO A FIRE HYDRANT AS IT BLASTS THE WEDDING GUESTS INDISCRIMINATELY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AHHHHHHHH I MISS YOU SO MUCH GRANDMA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

3. GERMAN FANS USING ARROWS TO POINT OUT THE GOAL -- WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?!?!?!???!! THIS PUTS THE OPPOSING GOALKEEPER AT AN UNFAIR DISADVANTAGE AND SHOULD BE PUNISHABLE WITH APPLESAUCE TORTURE!!!!!!!!! AHHHHHHHHH I DON'T KNOW WHAT THAT IS YET BUT WHEN I FIGURE IT OUT IT WILL BE HORRIFYING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

4. CORN -- WHAT DO YOU GET WHEN YOU CROSS CORN WITH MORE CORN!?!?!??!?!?!? A DEVASTATING FORCE THAT WILL MAKE YOU LIVE ON A ROW BOAT AND PERFORM DEMEANING PUPPET SHOWS THAT IT WON'T EVEN ENJOY!!!!!!!!!!!!!! STAY VIGILANT!!!!!!!!!

5. MILAN FANS' PAC-MAN BANNER -- IS IT MOVING FOR ANYONE ELSE?!??!?!?! HOW IS THE PAC-MAN MOVING LIKE THAT?!?!??!?!?! AHHHHHHHHH CHUGGING PAINT THINNER CAN GET WEIRD SOMETIMES!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'M GOING TO DROPKICK A PAPOOSE INTO MONGOLIA!!!!!!!!!

6. IKER CASILLAS PICKING HIS NOSE THEN RUBBING HIS HAND ON A MASCOT'S FACE -- WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?!?!?!?!??! WHAT!!!!!!!!! IS!!!!!! WRONG!!!!!!!!! WITH!!!!!!!!!! YOU?!?!??!?!?!?!?!?

7. SERGIO AGUERO'S "STUPID" INJURY -- ONE TIME I GOT A STUPID INJURY BY LOCKING MYSELF IN A BANK SAFE WITH A MOUNTAIN LION!!!!!!!!!!!! I GOT A PAPER CUT BETWEEN MY TOES FROM A ENVELOPE I TRIED TO THROW LIKE A NINJA STAR AND IT HURT REALLY BAD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! EVEN THE MOUNTAIN LION FELT SORRY FOR ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!! HE DIDN'T SAY THAT HE DID BUT YOU COULD TELL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! YOU COULD TELL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

8. SCHALKE FANS COMPARING FOOTBALL TO PHONE SEX -- I DON'T CARE HOW MUCH TICKETS COST!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! FOOTBALL IS NOTHING LIKE PHONE SEX!!!!!!!!!!! IF YOU START CRYING AT A FOOTBALL MATCH NO ONE THERE WILL TALK TO YOU ABOUT HOW INSPIRATIONAL YOU FIND THE CHARACTER OF FLOUNDER FROM THE LITTLE MERMAID!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

9. MY IDIOT NEIGHBOR DAN WYKOWSKI -- SO I WAS RUBBING BUTTER ON MY ROOF SO I COULD JUMP OUT OF A TREE AND SLIDE DOWN THE SIDE OF MY HOUSE WHEN MY IDIOT NEIGHBOR DAN WYKOWSKI CAME OVER AND ASKED WHAT I WAS DOING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I TOLD HIM I WAS RUBBING BUTTER ON MY ROOF SO I COULD JUMP OUT OF A TREE AND SLIDE DOWN THE SIDE OF MY HOUSE EXCEPT I SAID IT IN A WAY SO HE WOULD KNOW THAT IT WAS GOING TO BE THE MOST FUN THING EVER AND I WOULD RATHER PUNCH A RABBIT IN THE EARS THAN LET HIM PARTAKE IN SOMETHING SO ENJOYABLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! HE SAID IT DIDN'T SOUND LIKE A VERY GOOD IDEA ESPECIALLY FOR SOMEONE WHO MAKES THEIR LIVING AS A PROFESSIONAL ATHLETE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! THAT'S WHEN I THREW THE BUTTER AT HIS HEAD AND HE JUST LAUGHED AND WALKED AWAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AHHHHHHHHH I HOPE HE GETS SOME KIND OF BUTTER BACTERIA THAT MAKES HIM FEEL SLIGHTLY ILL FOR SEVERAL MINUTES BEFORE GOING ON WITH HIS DAY LIKE NOTHING EVER HAPPENED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I AM ARTUR BORUC AND THIS HAS BEEN MY RAGE LIST. SEE YOU NEXT WEEK! GOD BLESS!!!!!!

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