Dirty Tackle

Artur Boruc’s Friday Rage List

Brooks Peck
Dirty Tackle

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Artur Boruc waiting for the fire to come out. (Getty)

AAAAHHHHHHHH I AM ARTUR BORUC AND THIS IS A LIST OF THINGS THAT MADE ME ANGRY THIS WEEK:

1. AHHHHHHHHHH -- THROW THE GRAPES IN MY MOUTH NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! DO IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! DO IT NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2. MRS. DROGBA COOKING FOR IVORY COAST FANS -- WHEN I DRESS LIKE A WOMAN AND COOK FOR FANS THEY SAY IT'S "WEIRD" AND REFUSE TO EAT THE RUST MUFFINS I MAKE FOR THEM BUT WHEN DIDIER DROGBA'S MOTHER DOES IT EVERYONE THINKS IT'S GREAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I SEE HOW IT IS!!!!!!!!!!

3. SCORPION KICK GOAL FROM DISTANCE -- THIS IS LIKE A SICK JOKE!!!!!!!!!! ANOTHER SICK JOKE: WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD!?!?!?!?!? TO VOMIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

4. CORN -- I FOUND A CORN SEED IN MY SHOWER!!!!!!!!!!!!! THE CORN HAS INFILTRATED MY HOME AND IS TRYING TO GET CLEAN IN MY SHOWER!!!!!!!!!! I POURED DIRT IN THE SHOWER TO THWART ITS EFFORTS TO GET CLEAN BUT I THINK THAT MIGHT HAVE ACTUALLY HELPED IT!!!!!!!!!! AHHHHHHHHHHHHH THE CORN IS TOO SMART FOR US!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

5. CASH REWARD FOR A TOOTH LOST DURING A MATCH -- I ALWAYS WANTED TO FIRE TEETH OUT OF MY MOUTH LIKE BULLETS FROM AN ASSAULT RIFLE!!!!!!!!!!! NOW THAT IS SOMETHING I WOULD OFFER A REWARD FOR!!!!!!!!!

6. THE GUY WHO HANDCUFFED HIMSELF TO A GOALPOST -- I WOULDN'T HAVE LET THE POLICE CUT HIM FREE AND INSTEAD I WOULD'VE TICKLED HIM UNTIL HIS CHIN TURNED TO BUTTER!!!!!!!!!!!! THAT'S THE ONLY WAY HE WILL LEARN!!!!!!!!!!!!

7. BREST FANS SUPPORTING PORNOGRAPHY -- PORNOGRAPHY IS WRONG!!!!!!!!! IT NEVER WORKS LIKE THAT!!!!!!!!!!

8. SANDRO'S MARTIAL ARTS DEMONSTRATION -- WHY CAN'T WE BE FRIENDS?!?!?!?! I WONDER IF HE LISTENS TO TAYLOR SWIFT TOO!!!!!!!

9. MY IDIOT NEIGHBOR DAN WYKOWSKI -- SO I WAS MINDING MY OWN BUSINESS AND WEARING A MOTORCYCLE HELMET JUST IN CASE THE FORK I THREW INTO THE EARTH'S ATMOSPHERE LAST WEEK HAPPENED TO LAND ON MY HEAD AT AN INCREDIBLY HIGH RATE OF SPEED WHEN MY IDIOT NEIGHBOR DAN WYKOWSKI SENT ME AN EMAIL!!!!!!!!!!!! IT WAS ACTUALLY FROM HIS TWO GOOBER KIDS AND IT ASKED IF I WANTED TO WATCH THE SUPER BOWL AT THEIR HOUSE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AFTER CURSING MY SPAM FILTER FOR FAILING ME YET AGAIN I USED MY TYPING FISTS TO REPLY "NO THANK YOU"!!!!!!!!!!!!! EXCEPT I WROTE IT IN A WAY SO THEY WOULD KNOW THAT I WOULD NEVER STAY UP THAT LATE AT NIGHT JUST TO WATCH A SPORT WHERE THAT INVOLVES SO MUCH PADDING AND MEMORIZATION!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AHHHHHHHHHHH I HOPE THOSE GOOBER KIDS ARE INCREDIBLY TIRED IN SCHOOL ON MONDAY AND REALIZE THE IMPORTANCE OF SLEEPING WITH YOUR EYES OPEN FOR AT LEAST 17 HOURS A DAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I AM ARTUR BORUC AND THIS HAS BEEN MY RAGE LIST. SEE YOU NEXT WEEK! GOD BLESS!!!!!!

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