Artur Boruc’s Friday Rage List

Brooks Peck

AAAAHHHHHHHH I AM ARTUR BORUC AND THIS IS A LIST OF THINGS THAT MADE ME ANGRY THIS WEEK:

1. WAITING -- I HATE WAITING FOR THINGS!!!!!!!!!!!! I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT I'M WAITING FOR BUT IT'S ALREADY AWFUL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AHHHHHHHHH THIS INVISIBLE CHAIR IS OFFERING ME NO BACK SUPPORT AT ALL!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2. SEVILLA'S HOT DOG BENCHES -- MAKING PLAYERS AND COACHES SIT INSIDE A MEAT TUBE IS DEMEANING!!!!!!!!!! THEY WOULD NEVER PUT HOT DOGS INSIDE OF PLAYERS DURING A MATCH SO DON'T PUT PLAYERS INSIDE A HOT DOG!!!!!!!!!!! ANYWAY IT WOULD BE COOL IF THERE WERE ACTUAL DOGS MADE OF FIRE!!!!!!!!!!!!! I WOULD NAME MINE HERBIE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

3. THE ATHENS DERBY FIRES -- DOGS MADE OF FIRE ARE GREAT BUT DERBIES MADE OF FIRE ARE NOT!!!!!!!!!!! THERE IS A DIFFERENCE!!!!!!!!!!!!! ALTHOUGH CREATING SOMETHING CALLED THE HERBIE DERBY WOULD BE HILARIOUS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! HAHAHAHAHAHA I AM LAUGHING AND PUNCHING AT THE SAME TIME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

4. CORN -- I CAN'T REMEMBER IF WE HAVE A SECRET CODEWORD THAT WE WILL USE TO WARN THE OTHERS IF AND WHEN THE CORN LAUNCHES ITS FINAL ATTACK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WAS IT "BANANAS"?!?!???! "CHICKENPOX"?!??!?!??!!? AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH I CAN'T REMEMBER!!!!!!!!!!! WHY DIDN'T I THINK OF "HERBIE DERBY" SOONER?!?!?!?!??!!??

5. CHELSEA SACKING A YOUTH TEAM PLAYER FOR SETTING OFF A SMOKE GRENADE -- PEOPLE NEED TO LIGHTEN UP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ONE TIME I SET OFF A SMOKE GRENADE INSIDE A BOUNCY CASTLE AND EVERYONE FREAKED OUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! BUT THAT'S THE RISK YOU TAKE WHEN YOU CARRY SMOKE GRENADES EVERYWHERE YOU GO AND I'M NOT GOING TO STOP CARRYING THEM JUST BECAUSE ONE BOUNCY CASTLE MELTED WITH A BUNCH OF PEOPLE INSIDE IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

6. A LIVERPOOL THEMED WEDDING -- EVERYBODY KNOWS THAT THE ONLY ACCEPTABLE WEDDING THEME IS COLONOSCOPY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! GET CHECKED EVERYBODY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

7. REAL MADRID RESORT ISLAND -- THE ARTUR BORUC RESORT ISLAND WOULD BE NOTHING LIKE THIS AT ALL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! THERE WOULD BE CONFUSED POLAR BEARS AND HOTELS MADE OF HUMAN HAIR AND POOLS OF PAINT THINNER THAT YOU COULD DRINK WHILE YOU SWIM IN IT!!!!!!!!!!!! AND TAYLOR SWIFT WOULD PERFORM THERE EVERY NIGHT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AHHHHHHHHHHH I WANT TO GO THERE SO BAD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

8. WAYNE ROONEY BREAKING A 9-YEAR-OLD'S WRIST WITH A SHOT -- THIS IS WHY GOAL SCORERS ARE THE DEVIL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! A KEEPER WOULD HAVE PROTECTED THIS CHILD INSTEAD OF SNAPPING HIS FRAGILE BONES LIKE A BREADSTICK!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AHHHHHHHHHHH IF I WERE HIS PARENTS I WOULD HAVE ALL OF HIS BONES REPLACED WITH TITANIUM AND RAISE HIM TO BE A CYBORG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ONLY CYBORGS CAN DEFEAT THE CORN MENACE AND THAT IS A FACT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

9. MY IDIOT NEIGHBOR DAN WYKOWSKI -- SO I WAS SCREAMING AT AN IPAD 2 UNTIL IT TURNED INTO AN IPAD 3 WHEN A PACKAGE WAS DELIVERED TO MY HOUSE THAT WAS ACTUALLY FOR MY IDIOT NEIGHBOR DAN WYKOWSKI!!!!!!!!!!!!! THE DELIVERY MAN SAID I HAD TO SIGN FOR IT SO I WROTE MY NAME SO LARGE THAT HALF OF IT ENDED UP ON MY WALL WHICH MADE HIM REALLY UNCOMFORTABLE FOR SOME REASON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WHEN DAN CAME TO PICK IT UP HE THANKED ME FOR SIGNING FOR IT AND I TOLD HIM IT WAS NO PROBLEM AT ALL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! EXCEPT I SAID IT IN A WAY SO HE WOULD KNOW THAT PLUMS ARE DELICIOUS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ANYWAY THAT WAS TERRIBLE STORY AND I ALREADY REGRET TELLING IT!!!!!!!!!!!! AHHHHHH I HOPE DAN'S PACKAGE CONTAINED AN ALARM CLOCK HUMIDIFIER!!!!!!!!!!! YESSSSSSSSSSS THAT WAS THE CODEWORD!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ALARM CLOCK HUMIDIFIER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ALARM CLOCK HUMIDIFIER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I AM ARTUR BORUC AND THIS HAS BEEN MY RAGE LIST. SEE YOU NEXT WEEK! GOD BLESS!!!!!!