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Artur Boruc’s Friday Rage List

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Artur Boruc flying. (Reuters)

AAAAHHHHHHHH I AM ARTUR BORUC AND THIS IS A LIST OF THINGS THAT MADE ME ANGRY THIS WEEK:

1. AHHHHHHHHHHH -- MY BODY IS GOING IN EVERY DIRECTION AT ONCE!!!!!!!!!!!!! I FEEL LIKE A HEMOGLOBIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2. RONALDO'S BACKHEEL -- THIS IS WITCHCRAFT OF THE HIGHEST ORDER!!!!!!!!!!!!! IT'S EVEN WORSE THAN THE TIME I PUT BLOOD THROUGH A WATER FILTER AND IT ACTUALLY CAME OUT AS WATER!!!!!!!!!! DON'T ASK ME WHERE THE BLOOD WAS FROM JUST FOCUS ON HOW THE FILTER IS A BLACK MAGIC DEVICE THAT I HAVE SINCE DESTROYED WITH FOREARM PUNCHES AND NINJA STARS!!!!!!!!!!!

3. CELEBRATING SO HARD THAT YOU POKE YOURSELF IN THE EYE -- THIS IS NOTHING!!!!!!!! NOTHING!!!!!!!!!! I OFTEN CELEBRATE WITH SUCH PELVIS CRUSHING FORCE THAT I END UP ELBOW DEEP IN MY OWN EYEBALL!!!!!!!!!! AHHHHHHHH I HOPE THAT DOESN'T LEAD TO CATARACTS LATER IN LIFE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

4. CORN -- LET'S TALK ABOUT SOMETHING ELSE SO THE CORN DOESN'T KNOW THAT WE'VE CAUGHT ON TO ITS EVIL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! RIGHT NOW I WILL START TALKING ABOUT HOW INTERIOR DECORATING IS AN UNDERRATED ART FORM THAT REQUIRES BOTH SKILL AND BLOWTORCHES AND AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH THE CORN MUST DIE BEFORE IT TURNS OUR CHILDREN INTO HYPERACTIVE PILES OF TURKEY MEAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!

5. LOUIS SAHA SAYING THAT FOOTBALLERS PREFER PROSTITUTES -- THIS IS A LIE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I HAVE NEVER ONCE PAID A HOOKER FOR ANYTHING OTHER THAN WILD RICE RECIPES AND THE RESULTING RICE WAS BOTH DISGUSTING AND NOT AT ALL WILD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! HOOKERS ARE OVERRATED!!!!!!!!!!!!

6. BRAZIL PLAYING AGAINST THEMSELVES -- I WOULD BEAT THE PUSS OUT OF MYSELF IF I EVER PLAYED AGAINST ANOTHER ARTUR BORUC!!!!!!!!!!!!! BUT BY DOING THAT I WOULD ALSO BE BEATING THE PUSS OUT OF MYSELF SO THAT MEANS THAT AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH MY BRAIN IS LEAKING OUT OF MY TOENAIL AGAIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!

7. ANOTHER WIND ASSISTED OWN GOAL -- THE WIND IS IN LEAGUE WITH THE CORN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WHICH ELEMENT WILL JOIN THE AXIS OF KERNELED EVIL NEXT?!!?!??!??! MY GUESS IS INDIGESTION!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

8. ANDRES INIESTA VOICING A CARTOON PIRATE -- WHY CAN'T I DO THAT?!?!?!??!?!?!? I HAVE THE PERFECT VOICE FOR THIS KIND OF WORK!!!!!!!!!!!! I COULD PLAY A PIRATE THAT YELLS EVERYTHING HE SAYS AND GETS KILLED BY HIS SHIPMATES BECAUSE EVEN I THINK THAT WOULD GET ANNOYING AFTER SEVERAL MONTHS OF SAILING TOGETHER!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WHY DON'T THEY MAKE MOVIES ABOUT THAT?!?!??!?!?!?!??!

9. MY IDIOT NEIGHBOR DAN WYKOWSKI -- SO I HAVE GOTTEN TO THE POINT WHERE MY IDIOT NEIGHBOR DAN WYKOWSKI AND HIS TWO GOOBER KIDS IRRITATE ME TO THE EXTENT WHERE I WANT TO PROJECTILE VOMIT EVEN WHEN I'M NOT AROUND THEM!!!!!!!!!!!!!! OF COURSE THIS MIGHT ALSO HAVE SOMETHING TO DO WITH THE AMOUNT OF ASBESTOS I'VE BEEN SNACKING ON LATELY BUT I'M PRETTY SURE IT'S MOSTLY BECAUSE OF THE WYKOWSKIS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! SO LAST NIGHT I DROPKICKED THEIR BAY WINDOW TO GAIN ENTRY INTO THEIR HOME AND WAKE THEM ALL UP AT THE SAME TIME BECAUSE I'M EFFICIENT LIKE THAT!!!!!!!!! WHEN THEY CAME DOWNSTAIRS DAN ASKED ME WHAT I WANTED SO LATE AT NIGHT AND I SAID I CAME TO GIVE THEM A FREE TRIP TO MIAMI EXCEPT I SAID IT IN A WAY SO THEY WOULD KNOW THAT I THINK "TOMORROW NEVER DIES" IS A TERRIBLE MOVIE!!!!!!!!!!!!! THEY ALL THANKED ME FOR MY GENEROSITY AND SAID THEY COULDN'T WAIT TO LEAVE!!!!!!!!!! AHHHHHHHHHHH I HOPE THEY GET LOST IN THE BERMUDA TRIANGLE AND THEN FIND THEIR WAY OUT SO THEY CAN TELL ME WHAT IT'S LIKE IN THERE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I AM ARTUR BORUC AND THIS HAS BEEN MY RAGE LIST. SEE YOU NEXT WEEK! GOD BLESS!!!!!!

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