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Dirty Tackle

Artur Boruc’s Friday Rage List

Dirty Tackle

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Artur Boruc expresses his ideas in a calm and quiet manner. (Getty)

AAAAHHHHHHHH I AM ARTUR BORUC AND THIS IS A LIST OF THINGS THAT MADE ME ANGRY THIS WEEK:

1. YELLING AT PEOPLE -- AHHHHHHHHHHHH I DON'T THINK THIS REFEREE IS FOCUSING ON WHAT I AM SAYING TO HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WHY ARE HIS SIDEBURNS SO LONG?!??!?!??!! WHAT TIME DOES THE BUILD A BEAR WORKSHOP CLOSE?!??!?!?! WHY IS MY HAIR COVERED IN LIGHTER FLUID!??!?!?!?!

2. PAOLO GUERRERO'S FOUL ON ONE OF MY BROTHERS IN GOALKEEPING -- I WILL HEADBUTT THAT LOWER BACK TATTOO RIGHT OFF OF YOUR BODY PAOLO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I WILL HEADBUTT IT SO HARD THAT YOUR KIDNEYS WILL TURN INTO POLYESTER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

3. PARK JI-SUNG DRINKING FROG JUICE -- WHY DIDN'T I THINK OF THIS??????????????? WHY DIDN'T I THINK OF THIS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

4. CORN -- I'VE STARTED DESTROYING YELLOW CRAYONS JUST IN CASE THEY ARE ACTUALLY BABY CORNS TRYING TO TRICK US!!!!!!!!!!!!! IF YOU THINK THIS SOUNDS STUPID THEN YOU ARE CLEARLY UNDERESTIMATING THE KERNELED MENACE AND I WILL NOT WEEP FOR YOU WHEN YOU BECOME PROPERTY OF THE CORN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! INSTEAD I WILL WEEP FOR OTHER THINGS LIKE SPANDEX AND PAN FLUTE MUSIC!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

5. SUING A CHURCH FOR RUINING YOUR CHANCE TO PLAY FOR MAN UNITED -- HOW ABOUT I SUE YOUR FACE WITH A PIECE OF CANDY THAT FELL ON THE FLOOR AFTER IT WAS LICKED?!?!?!?!??!!??!? AHHHHHHHHH THAT DIDN'T MAKE AS MUCH SENSE AS I HOPED IT WOULD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

6. SENDING A PLAYER OFF FOR DIVING WHEN HE'S UNCONSCIOUS -- ONE TIME I DOVE INTO A PLASTIC POOL FULL OF HORSERADISH WHILE I WAS UNCONSCIOUS!!!!!!!!!!! WHEN I WOKE UP I WAS WEARING A PARTY HAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I HAVE NO IDEA HOW THAT HAPPENED!!!!!!!!!!!! MOSTLY BECAUSE I WAS UNCONSCIOUS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

7. THROWING A BEER AT DAVID BECKHAM -- STOP THROWING THINGS AT PEOPLE!!!!!!!!!!! UNLESS IT'S A BOX FULL OF RABBITS AND THE PERSON INSISTS ON TALKING ABOUT BIRD FLU!!!!!!!!!!!!

8. HARPS -- THEY SOUND SO BEAUTIFUL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

9. MY IDIOT NEIGHBOR DAN WYKOWSKI -- SO LAST WEEK I SENT MY IDIOT NEIGHBOR DAN WYKOWSKI AND HIS TWO GOOBER KIDS ON AN ALL EXPENSE PAID TRIP TO MIAMI JUST SO I WOULDN'T FEEL LIKE USING MY ADAM'S APPLE AS A TABLE SAW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! BUT WHILE THEY WERE GONE I STILL FELT LIKE USING MY ADAM'S APPLE AS A TABLE SAW!!!!!!!!!!!!! AHHHHHH WHY IS THE GRASS ALWAYS GREENER ON THE OTHER SIDE?!?!?!?!?! WHEN THEY GOT BACK THEY THANKED ME FOR THE TRIP AGAIN AND SAID THEY HAD SO MUCH FUN!!!!!!!!! THEN THEY GAVE ME A SOUVENIR SHOT GLASS THEY GOT ME AS A GIFT!!!!!!!!!! I SAID IT WAS VERY THOUGHTFUL OF THEM BUT I SAID IT IN A WAY SO THEY WOULD KNOW THAT IT DEFINITELY WAS NOT!!!!!!!!!!! ANYWAY THEY ARE BACK NOW AND THEY WANT TO PLAY CHARADES!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'M GOING TO ACT OUT TURKEY SYPHILIS!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I AM ARTUR BORUC AND THIS HAS BEEN MY RAGE LIST. SEE YOU NEXT WEEK! GOD BLESS!!!!!!

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