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Dirty Tackle

Artur Boruc’s Friday Rage List

Dirty Tackle

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Artur Boruc, defying the sun. (FORUM/Maciej Figurski)

AAAAHHHHHHHH I AM ARTUR BORUC AND THIS IS A LIST OF THINGS THAT MADE ME ANGRY THIS WEEK:

1. VIDEO CAMERAS -- IF THERE IS A VIDEO CAMERA BEHIND ME RIGHT NOW THEN I AM NOT GOING TO BE HAPPY!!!!!!!!!!!!! IF THERE IS NOT A VIDEO CAMERA BEHIND ME RIGHT NOW THEN I AM NOT GOING TO BE HAPPY!!!!!!!!!

2. EVER BANEGA RUNNING HIMSELF OVER -- ONE TIME MY CAR BACKED OVER ME BUT IT DIDN'T KNOW WHO IT WAS MESSING WITH!!!!!!!!! SO INSTEAD OF IT BREAKING MY ANKLE I BROKE ITS ANKLE!!!!!!!! AND THEN I REALIZED CARS DON'T HAVE ANKLES AND THAT MY LEG WAS BENT AT A 57 DEGREE ANGLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! IT WAS SO MUCH FUN!!!!!!!!!!

3. FILIPPO ASKING INTER NOT TO LOSE -- CHILDREN SHOULD NOT TEASE OTHER CHILDREN!!!!!! ESPECIALLY NOT ABOUT WHAT CLUB THEY SUPPORT!!!!!!!!!!!! WHEN I WAS A KID I WAS TEASED BECAUSE I ALWAYS SCREAMED EVERYTHING I SAID!!!!!!!!!!! SO I SCREAMED LOUDER AND THEY ALL CRIED!!!!!!!!!!! THEN I SCREAMED LOUDER AND I STARTED TO CRY BUT THAT WAS BECAUSE OF A TOTALLY UNRELATED OCCURRENCE!!!!!!!!!

4. CORN -- AHHHHHHHHH THE CORN IS NOW DISGUISING ITSELF AS NOVELTY SEATING!!!!!! THE END IS NEAR!!!!! THE END IS NEAR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

5. THE LIONEL MESSI HAIR CARVING -- THIS IS EXACTLY WHAT HAPPENED WHEN I WANTED TO GET HOPE SOLO CUT INTO MY HAIR!!!!!!!!!! THE WORLD'S BARBERS ARE CLEARLY CONSPIRING WITH THE CORN!!!!!!!!!!! AHHHHHHHHH I HATE THE CORN SO MUCH!!!!!!!!!!!!!

6. THIERRY HENRY'S 40-FOOT FISH TANK -- I WOULD PUT A WHALE IN IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

7. GHANA USING WITCHCRAFT AGAINST EACH OTHER -- I TRIED WITCHCRAFT ONE TIME BUT I WAS ONLY ABLE TO TURN IKEA FURNITURE INTO ICE CREAM!!!!!!!!! IT WAS BOTH INFURIATING AND DELICIOUS!!!!!!!!!!! AND NOW I NEED A NEW END TABLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!

8.  DISNEY WORLD -- WHY CAN'T IT BE IN MY KITCHEN?!?!?!?!!

9. MY IDIOT NEIGHBOR DAN WYKOWSKI -- SO I WAS RUNNING ON THE TREADMILL WHILE PUNCHING THE SKY AND SPITTING OLIVE OIL MADE OF BRAVERY ONTO THE WALL WHEN ONE OF MY IDIOT NEIGHBOR DAN WYKOWSKI'S GOOBER KIDS APPEARED BEHIND ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I DID NOT EXPECT THIS!!!!!!!!!!! I ASKED HER IF SHE WAS A DEMON AND SHE SAID SHE WASN'T BUT THAT IS EXACTLY WHAT A DEMON WOULD SAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! THEN SHE ASKED ME IF I WANTED TO COME TO THEIR OSCAR PARTY THIS WEEKEND AND THAT IS EXACTLY WHAT A DEMON WOULD SAY TOO!!!!!!!!! I SAID "OF COURSE I WOULD LOVE TO ATTEND YOUR PARTY!!!!!!!!!!!" BUT I SAID IT IN A WAY SO SHE WOULD KNOW THAT I PLAN ON BRINGING A TABLE SAW AND THROWING A VESPA INTO THE CEILING FAN WHEN I FIND OUT THE LITTLE MERMAID DIDN'T WIN FOR BEST PICTURE AGAIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AHHHHHHHHHHH I HOPE THEY HAVE NO MORE THAN TWO CHEESES AT THIS PARTY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I AM ARTUR BORUC AND THIS HAS BEEN MY RAGE LIST. SEE YOU NEXT WEEK! GOD BLESS!!!!!!

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