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Dirty Tackle

Artur Boruc’s Friday Rage List

Brooks Peck
Dirty Tackle

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AAAAHHHHHHHH I AM ARTUR BORUC AND THIS IS A LIST OF THINGS THAT MADE ME ANGRY THIS WEEK:

1. WHAT IS HAPPENING -- I FINALLY GOT OFF OF SOUTHAMPTON'S BENCH FOR THE FIRST TIME IN A MONTH AND IT WAS LIKE MY BODY FORGOT HOW TO DO ANYTHING!!!!!!!! MY HANDS COULDN'T HOLD THE BALL MY TEAMMATE DARED TO SCORE AN OWN GOAL ON ME AND AT ONE POINT MY EYEBALLS TRIED TO ESCAPE FROM MY HEAD WITHOUT EVEN APPLYING PRESSURE TO MY TEMPLES TO MAKE THEM DO SO WHILE VIDEOTAPING IT WITH MY PHONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! THE FANS ACCUSED ME OF BEING DRUNK BUT EVEN WITH A REDUCED TOLERANCE DRINKING A PLASTIC BAG FULL OF PAINT THINNER BEFORE THE MATCH COULDN'T DO THAT ME!!!!!!!!!!!!! AHHHHHHHHHH 2013 IS ALREADY SHAPING UP TO BE THE WORST YEAR SINCE THE ONE WHERE I TRIED TO SLIP AND SLIDE INTO THE FUTURE BUT ENDED UP IN THE AIR DUCT OF A POST OFFICE FOR 11 MONTHS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2. IKER CASILLAS GETTING BENCHED -- ONCE AGAIN I WILL ASK "WHAT IS HAPPENING?!?!?!?!?!?!??!?!?!!" THE ORDER OF THE GOALKEEPING UNIVERSE IS COMPLETELY OUT OF WHACK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! IT'S LIKE WE'VE ENTERED ANOTHER DIMENSION WHERE EVERYTHING IS WRONG AND PEOPLE ARE ACTUALLY POLITE TO EACH OTHER IN THE STREETS!!!!!!!!!!! WELL I DON'T WANT TO LIVE IN THAT SOCIETY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I DON'T WANT TO LIVE IN THAT SOCIETY AT ALL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

3. MESSAGES ON UNDERSHIRTS -- WHY DOES EVERY FOOTBALLER HAVE A MESSAGE ON THEIR UNDERSHIRTS THESE DAYS?!?!?!?!?!?!!? INSTEAD OF WASTING TIME MAKING THOSE THINGS THEY SHOULD BE ABLE TO SCREAM LOUD ENOUGH FOR EVERYONE TO HEAR EVERYTHING THEY SAY!!!!!!!!!!!! FOR EXAMPLE I AM NOT TYPING THIS LIST I AM JUST SCREAMING SO LOUD AT MY NEPHEW'S COMPUTER THAT THE WORDS ARE SOMEHOW SHOWING UP ON IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AND IF IT DOES ANY TYPOS I WILL BEAT THIS COMPUTER TO DEATH WITH MY PROTRUDING EYEBALLS LIKE I DID TO THE OTHER 17 COMPUTERS OF HIS THAT I RUINED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

4. CORN -- AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH I CAN SENSE IT GROWING STRONGER WITH EACH PASSING DAY AND IF WE DON'T TAKE ACTION SOON IT WILL SEIZE CONTROL OF THE PLANET AND REDUCE HUMANS TO LIVES OF GROWING FACIAL HAIR AND SINGING KARAOKE!!!!!!!!!!!!!! THE NEXT TIME YOU SEE AN EAR OF CORN YOU BETTER PUNCH IT IN THE COB OR THIS COULD BE YOUR FUTURE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

5. SWEDEN ADDING A WORD FOR ZLATAN -- WHY DON'T I GET A WORD?!?!?!?!?!?!?! FIRST POLAND KICKED ME OFF THE NATIONAL TEAM THEN THEY DIDN'T GIVE ME MY OWN WORD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! THIS IS AWFUL!!!!!!!!!!!! HOW ABOUT THIS FOR A NEW WORD: "ARTURICAL"!!!!!!!!!!!! IT MEANS "TO PUNCH SOMETHING UNTIL IT DEVELOPS A SENSE OF SHAME AND EMPATHY FOR SQUIRRELS WITH LEARNING DISABILITIES"!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AHHHHHHHHH HOW IS THERE NOT ALREADY A WORD FOR THAT?!!!!???!?!?!?!?!?!?!??

6. RONALDINHO IN AN ANIMATED FILM -- WHY DON'T I GET AN ANIMATED FILM?!!??!?!?!?!?!?!?!?! RONALDINHO FIGHTING ALIENS WITH HIS FOOTBALL ABILITY IS A STUPID IDEA FOR A MOVIE BUT ARTUR BORUC FIGHTING CORN WITH HIS HEADBUTTS AND ABILITY TO QUOTE THE LITTLE MERMAID WOULD WIN ALL OF THE OSCARS FOREVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! STOP BEING SHORT AND MAKE THIS HAPPEN TOM CRUISE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

7. CALENDARS -- NOBODY NEEDS THEM ANYMORE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

8. CHRISTMAS -- SITTING ON THE BENCH ALL THAT TIME MADE ME COMPLETELY FORGET THAT IT WAS CHRISTMAS RECENTLY SO I WAS UNABLE TO SAVE IT AS I NORMALLY DO AND THIS RUINED IT FOR EVERYONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I BET YOU DIDN'T EVEN GET ONE SHIRT MADE OUT OF DARTS AND ADAM'S APPLES THIS YEAR DID YOU?!?!?!?!???!?!! I'M SORRY I LET YOU ALL DOWN BUT NOT PLAYING FOOTBALL MAKES THE DAYS ALL RUN TOGETHER FOR ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AHHHHHHHHHH MAYBE CALENDARS ARE MORE USEFUL THAN I PREVIOUSLY THOUGHT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

9. MY IDIOT NEIGHBOR DAN WYKOWSKI -- WITH ALL THIS AWFULNESS GOING ON I HAD TO EVICT MY NEIGHBOR STEVE PHILBIN FROM HIS HOUSE EVEN THOUGH I HAD ABSOLUTELY NO RIGHT TO DO SO JUST SO I COULD HAVE MY OLD IDIOT NEIGHBOR DAN WYKOWSKI AND HIS TWO GOOBER KIDS MOVE IN NEXT DOOR TO ME AGAIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AFTER DOING SO I FELT A MOMENT OF RELIEF FOLLOWED BY WEEKS OF INTENSE REGRET AND SKIN IRRITATION THAT HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH DAN OR HIS GOOBER KIDS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ONCE THEY WERE ALL SETTLED IN EACH ONE OF THEM SAID THEY MISSED ME EVER SINCE I LEFT FLORENCE AND I SAID I MISSED THEM TOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! EXCEPT I SAID IT IN A WAY SO THEY WOULD KNOW THAT EXPRESSING MY TRUE FEELINGS MAKES ME WANT TO KICK MY OWN HEART INTO A FARMER'S MARKET!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AHHHHHHHHHHHHH I HOPE STEVE PHILBIN DOESN'T KNOW THAT THERE IS SUCH A THING AS A LEGAL SYSTEM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I AM ARTUR BORUC AND THIS HAS BEEN MY RAGE LIST. SEE YOU NEXT WEEK! GOD BLESS!!!!!!

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