Dirty Tackle

Artur Boruc’s Friday Rage List

Brooks Peck
Dirty Tackle

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Artur Boruc calmly projects his ideas.

AAAAHHHHHHHH I AM ARTUR BORUC AND THIS IS A LIST OF THINGS THAT MADE ME ANGRY THIS WEEK:

1. I STILL DON'T HAVE A CLUB -- AHHHHHHHHH THE TRANSFER WINDOW HAS CLOSED AND I STILL DON'T HAVE A NEW CLUB OR A HAMSTER THAT CAN BITE PEOPLE ON COMMAND!!!!!!!!!!!!! I ALMOST SIGNED FOR QPR BUT THEY DECIDED THEY WOULD RATHER HAVE A GOALKEEPER WHO CRIES AT EVERYTHING INSTEAD OF ONE THAT CAN BATHE IN A VAT OF ACID WITHOUT FLINCHING BUT STILL WEEP WHEN KING TRITON TAKES ARIEL'S PLACE AS URSULA'S PRISONER IN THE LITTLE MERMAID!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AHHHHHHHHHHHH I FORGOT TO SAY "SPOILER ALERT" BEFORE THAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2. CRISTIANO RONALDO BEING SAD -- EVERYONE GETS SAD SOMETIMES BUT PLAYING GAMES WITH THE MEDIA WHERE YOU TELL THEM YOU ARE SAD BUT REFUSE TO SAY WHY DOES NOT HELP ANYONE!!!!!!!!!!!! THE BEST WAY TO STOP BEING SAD ABOUT SOMETHING IS TO ROUNDHOUSE KICK STREET SIGNS IN TOWN AND THEN WHEN SOMEONE ASKS YOU WHY YOU'RE DOING THAT OR TELLS YOU TO STOP YOU YELL "FREE HAMMERS FOR EVERYONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" EVEN IF YOU DON'T ACTUALLY WANT TO GIVE AWAY THE HAMMERS YOU HAVE ON YOU!!!!!!!!!!! IT WORKS EVERY TIME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

3. PAOLO DI CANIO PUBLICLY BERATING HIS GOALKEEPER -- I GENERALLY LIKE THE WAY PAOLO DI CANIO CARRIES HIMSELF BUT I DRAW THE LINE AT INSULTING A FELLOW GOALKEEPER IN PUBLIC!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! IF DI CANIO DID THIS TO ME I WOULD HAVE CHALLENGED HIM TO AN EPIC BATTLE OF MIND BODY AND LOOFAHS!!!!!!!!!!!! IT WOULD HAVE LASTED FOR WEEKS AND WOULD HAVE ONLY ENDED AFTER ONE OF US DELIVERED A LOOFAH DEATH BLOW TO KILL THE OTHER WITH UNSPEAKABLE CLEANLINESS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AHHHHHHHHHHH I WISH THIS WOULD HAPPEN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

4. CORN -- THE CORN CONTINUES TO SABOTAGE MY JOB HUNT AND I WILL NOT STAND FOR IT ANY LONGER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! IF I DON'T FIND A NEW CLUB SOON I WILL TAKE A JOB AT A FARMER'S MARKET JUST SO I CAN HEADBUTT ALL THE KERNELED DEMONS INTO A HOT TUB ON THE SUN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AHHHHHHHHHHH I'M WRITING MY WRITING MY COVER LETTER AS SOON AS THIS IS OVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

5. COLOGNE FANS DRIVING KEVIN PEZZONI OUT OF THE CLUB WITH VIOLENCE -- THIS IS ABSOLUTELY DESPICABLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! IF I'VE YELLED IT ONCE I'VE YELLED IT A THOUSANDS TIMES!!!!!!!!!! VIOLENCE IS NOT THE ANSWER!!!!!!!!!!!!!! UNLESS IT IS IN RESPONSE TO A BUNCH OF THUGS WHO CALL THEMSELVES SUPPORTERS AND BY "VIOLENCE" YOU MEAN HUGGING THEM UNTIL THEY REALIZE THAT THEIR DEAD GRANDMOTHERS ARE WATCHING THEM TOUCH THEMSELVES AT NIGHT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! DEAL WITH THAT THUGS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! DEAL WITH THAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

6. FIORENTINA WANTING COMPENSATION FOR BERBATOV'S PLANE TICKET -- THE CLUB STILL OWES ME THOUSANDS OF EUROS FOR ALL THE MEDIEVAL TORTURE DEVICES I BOUGHT WITH MY OWN MONEY TO REPLACE THE USELESS MODERN GYM EQUIPMENT THEY HAD SO YOU CAN JUST GIVE THAT MONEY TO ME DIMITAR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! JUST KEEP YOUR FREAKY COUSIN AWAY FROM ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

7. THE U.S. TEAM'S MOTIVATIONAL SPEAKER -- OHMYGOD I WANT TO DO THAT SO BAD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I HAD NO IDEA THAT PEOPLE ARE WILLING TO PAY YOU TO WEAR A TRACK SUIT AND YELL AT THEM AND BEND FRYING PANS INTO BURRITOS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AHHHHHHHHHHHHH THIS IS THE GREATEST DAY OF MY LIFE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! FREE HAMMERS FOR EVERYONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

8. NAPOLI BANNING SEX TO PREVENT INJURIES -- FORGET SEX THEY SHOULD BAN WEARING BLENDERS AT HATS TWO DAYS BEFORE MATCHES INSTEAD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I CAN'T TELL YOU HOW MANY TIMES I'VE INJURED MYSELF DOING THAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! IT IS A CHEAP WAY TO GET AN EXCELLENT HAIRCUT THOUGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

9. MY IDIOT NEIGHBOR DAN WYKOWSKI -- SO I WAS PLANTING FLOWERS BY PUNCHING THEM INTO THE GROUND ON TUESDAY WHEN MY IDIOT NEIGHBOR DAN WYKOWSKI CAME OVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AT THIS POINT I KNOW EXACTLY WHAT HE'S GOING TO SAY BEFORE HIS STUPID MOUTH CAN INHALE TO SPEAK SO I PREEMPTIVELY SAID "NO DAN I DID NOT SIGN FOR A NEW CLUB YET!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" EXCEPT I SAID IT IN A WAY SO HE WOULD KNOW THAT WHEN MY NEWLY PLANTED FLOWERS GROW STRONG I WILL GIVE HIM SOME TO KEEP IN HIS HOME SO HIS GOOBER KIDS CAN LOOK AT THEM AND FEEL SPECIAL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! HE SAID "OK" AND THEN HE GAVE ME A BANANA BREAD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! LATER THAT NIGHT I POURED PAINT THINNER ON THAT BANANA BREAD AND ENJOYED IT LIKE NO OTHER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AHHHHHHHHHHH I HOPE PAINT THINNER BANANA BREAD NEVER GOES EXTINCT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I AM ARTUR BORUC AND THIS HAS BEEN MY RAGE LIST. SEE YOU NEXT WEEK! GOD BLESS!!!!!!

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