Dirty Tackle

Artur Boruc’s Friday Rage List

Brooks Peck
Dirty Tackle

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(arturboruc.com)

AAAAHHHHHHHH I AM ARTUR BORUC AND THIS IS A LIST OF THINGS THAT MADE ME ANGRY THIS WEEK:

1. I'M IN ENGLAND -- I'M EXCITED AND I'M NERVOUS AND I'M SWEATING FOR NO REASON AND NOTHING IS ON FIRE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WHY IS NOTHING ON FIRE?!?!?!??!?!??!?!!? AHHHHHHHHHH I BROUGHT ALL THIS CHOCOLATE FOR NOTHING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2. DINAMO ZAGREB PLAYER FINED €100,000 FOR OPENING A BEER ON THE BUS -- WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?!?!?!??!?!?!?!? DRINKING BEER ON THE TEAM BUS IS UNPROFESSIONAL AND UNACCEPTABLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! EVERYONE KNOWS YOU ONLY INDULGE IN SOFT DRINKS LIKE PAINT THINNER AND AN ASSORTMENT OF VARNISHES WHEN YOU'RE TRAVELING WITH YOUR TEAM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ONE TIME I HAD A BATHTUB FULL OF BEER AND DO YOU KNOW WHAT I DID WITH IT?!?!?!?!??!?! I KICKED IT IN HALF AND THE BEER WENT EVERYWHERE!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I NEVER GOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT BACK ON THAT PLACE!!!!!!!!!!!!!

3. FOOTBALLERS BEING FORCED TO TAKE A LIE DETECTOR TEST -- THIS IS BAD!!!!!!!!!!! BUT IF YOU JUST MAKE YOUR WHOLE BODY SHAKE AND THINK ABOUT PUPPIES THE MACHINE WILL EXPLODE AND EVERYONE WILL JUST STARE AT IT AND THEN YOU CAN GO HOME AND DO WHATEVER YOU WANT!!!!!!!!!!!!! INCLUDING BOARD GAMES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

4. CORN -- I WENT AROUND SOUTHAMPTON THIS WEEK TO SEE JUST HOW MUCH CONTROL THE CORN HAS IN THIS TOWN!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WHAT I FOUND WAS NOT REASSURING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! NOW I HAVE BUY A SWORD!!!!!!!!!!!!!! A CORN SWORD!!!!!!!!!!!!! AND THEY DON'T SELL THOSE JUST ANYWHERE THESE DAYS!!!!!!!!!!!!!

5. A THIEF AT CHELSEA'S TRAINING COMPLEX -- IF ANYONE STEALS MY CORN SWORD I WILL ELBOW THEM INTO ANOTHER DIMENSION WHERE CAKE TASTES LIKE ONIONS!!!!!!!!!!!!! WHERE CAKE TASTES LIKE ONIONS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

6. MIROSLAV KLOSE TELLING THE REFEREE TO DISALLOW HIS GOAL -- THIS IS THE GREATEST THING THAT HAS EVER HAPPENED EVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! IT'S LIKE IF THE LITTLE MERMAID WERE REAL LIFE AND EVERYONE COULD BE FRIENDS AND NO ONE EVER HAD TO GO TO THE BATHROOM AGAIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH MY EYES ARE BLEEDING WATER AGAIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WHAT IS HAPPENING RIGHT NOW?!!??!?!?!?!?!??!?!?!

7. GIANT ZIDANE HEADBUTT STATUE IN PARIS -- I KEEP PETITIONING THE MUSEUMS IN WARSAW TO BUILD A STATUE OF ME PUTTING A GIRAFFE IN A SLEEPER HOLD BUT THEY REFUSE TO DO IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! HOW CAN YOU NOT WANT A STATUE OF ME PUTTING A GIRAFFE IN A SLEEPER HOLD?!?!?!?!?!?!??!?! THAT'S JUST NOT NATURAL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

8. MAN UNITED PLAYER'S DAD WINNING £10,000 ON HIS FIRST TEAM DEBUT -- I BET THAT THE APOCALYPSE WILL HAPPEN WHEN I COUGH SNEEZE AND BURP AT THE SAME TIME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I HOPE THAT HAPPENS NOT SO MUCH BECAUSE I WOULD WIN BUT MORE BECAUSE IT WOULD JUST BE AWESOME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

9. MY IDIOT NEIGHBOR DAN WYKOWSKI -- SO I'VE BEEN LOOKING FOR A PLACE TO LIVE IN SOUTHAMPTON THAT HAS AN ALLIGATOR PIT AND EASY ACCESS TO THE FINEST ORGANIC MEATS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! IN SEARCHING FOR THIS UTOPIA I REALIZED I WILL BE SUBJECTED TO A NEW NEXT DOOR NEIGHBOR WHO WILL PROBABLY BE EVEN MORE HORRIBLE THAN MY PREVIOUS IDIOT NEIGHBOR DAN WYKOWSKI AND HIS TWO GOOBER KIDS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! THE WEIRD THING IS THAT AS SOON AS I THOUGHT ABOUT THIS MY PHONE RANG AND IT WAS DAN!!!!!!!!!!!!! HE ASKED ME HOW THE MOVE WAS GOING AND I SAID IT WAS GOING GREAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!! EXCEPT I SAID IT IN A WAY SO HE WOULD KNOW THAT I JUST BROKE A CHILD'S SIZE SUPERMAN COSTUME AND I KNEW I WAS GOING TO HAVE TO PAY FOR IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AHHHHHHHHHHH I HOPE THAT WHEN I FIND AN ALLIGATOR PIT IT ALSO HAS A HOT TUB IN IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I AM ARTUR BORUC AND THIS HAS BEEN MY RAGE LIST. SEE YOU NEXT WEEK! GOD BLESS!!!!!!

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