Artur Boruc’s Friday Rage List

Brooks Peck
Dirty Tackle

AAAAHHHHHHHH I AM ARTUR BORUC AND THIS IS A LIST OF THINGS THAT MADE ME ANGRY THIS WEEK:

1. THROWING -- AHHHHHHHHHHH I AM THROWING THIS BALL AT SUCH AN INCREDIBLE RATE OF SPEED THAT IT WILL PROBABLY DISINTEGRATE BEFORE IT HITS THE GROUND!!!!!!!!!!! THE FACT THAT IT HIT THE GROUND WITHOUT DISINTEGRATING BEFORE I EVEN FINISHED SAYING THAT SHOULD NOT DIMINISH THE POWER OF MY WORDS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2. THIS WEEK -- THIS WEEK WAS UNFATHOMABLY BORING!!!!!!!!!!! WHY DOESN'T SOMEONE DO SOMETHING?!?!?!?!??!?!!? I TRIED SETTING MYSELF ON FIRE AND RUNNING THROUGH A VETERINARY HOSPITAL BUT NO ONE PAYS ATTENTION WHEN I DO THAT ANYMORE!!!!!!!!!! THEY JUST GIVE ME A SHOT FOR RABIES AND SEND ME ON MY WAY!!!!!!!!!!! WHICH WORKS OUT BECAUSE I USUALLY DO HAVE RABIES WHEN I DO THAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

3. MARTIN KEOWN GETTING HIT IN THE HEAD WITH A BALL -- IF I WAS ON TELEVISION AND SOMEONE DID THIS TO ME I WOULD PUNCH THEM WITH A TOASTER!!!!!!!! AND THEN I WOULD TURN TO THE CAMERA AND SAY SOMETHING WITTY LIKE "HOW ABOUT SOME BUTTER WITH THAT TOAST?!!?!??!?!?!" DON'T STEAL THAT!!!!!!!!!!

4. CORN -- I THOUGHT I HEARD SOMEONE SAY THE CORN KIDNAPPED THEIR HUSBAND AND WAS HOLDING HIM RANSOM FOR THE UNITED STATES' NUCLEAR CODES BUT IT TURNED OUT THEY ACTUALLY JUST SAID THAT THEY SAW A CUTE GOLDEN RETRIEVER PUPPY!!!!!!!!!!!!! AHHHHHHHH I WISH I SAW IT TOO!!!!!!!!!!!!

5. THIERRY HENRY SCORING IN HIS ARSENAL COMEBACK -- IS THAT HOW IT IS?!?!?!?!?! THINGS JUST HAPPEN LIKE THAT?!?!?!?!?!?!? THAT'S STUPID!!!!!!!!! IF I EVER GO BACK AND PLAY FOR CELTIC AGAIN I'M NOT GOING TO SCORE A MATCH WINNING GOAL LIKE A DOOFUS I'M GOING TO DO A BACKFLIP SO INTENSE THAT 90-YEAR-OLD WOMEN GET PREGNANT AND PIES SHOOT OUT OF THE EARTH!!!!!!!!!!!

6. SNEAK ATTACK GOAL -- THIS IS HORRIFYING!!!!!!!!!!! ABSOLUTELY HORRIFYING!!!!!!!!! IF MY TEAMMATES LET THIS HAPPEN TO ME I WOULD TELL THEM ALL TO GROW MUSTACHES ON THEIR NECKS AND THEN LAUGH AND LAUGH WHEN THEY DID IT AND REALIZED HOW STUPID IT LOOKS!!!!!!!!!!!!! I WOULD ALSO USE THAT BUTTER WITH THE TOAST LINE AGAIN BECAUSE IT WORKED SO WELL BEFORE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

7. ONLY ALLOWING CHILDREN TO ATTEND AN AJAX MATCH -- NO ONE WILL SURVIVE!!!!!!!!! NO ONE!!!!!!!!!!

8. SPORTING'S "VIOLENT" WALLPAPER -- THIS WALLPAPER IS NOT VIOLENT!!!!!!!!!!!! I HAVE WALLPAPER MADE OUT OF LIVE PORCUPINES AND ROBOT SHARKS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! THAT IS VIOLENT!!!!!!!!!!

9. MY IDIOT NEIGHBOR DAN WYKOWSKI -- THIS WEEK WAS SO BORING THAT I JUST SLEPT THROUGH MOST IF IT SO MY IDIOT NEIGHBOR DAN WYKOWSKI DIDN'T HAVE A CHANCE TO DO ANYTHING TO ANNOY ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! BUT IF I WAS AWAKE I KNOW HE WOULD'VE DONE SOMETHING AWFUL LIKE SAY "HI ARTUR" OR WAVE TO ME WHEN I HAPPEN TO BE OUTSIDE ASSAULTING MY FRONT LAWN JUST AS HE HAPPENS TO PULL INTO HIS DRIVEWAY!!!!!!!!!!!!! AHHHHHHHHHHHHH JUST THINKING ABOUT THAT MAKES ME SO ANGRY!!!!!!!!!!! I'M GOING TO BUY HIM AN IPAD JUST SO HE AND HIS GOOBER KIDS DON'T LEAVE THE HOUSE FOR A WHILE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I AM ARTUR BORUC AND THIS HAS BEEN MY RAGE LIST. SEE YOU NEXT WEEK! GOD BLESS!!!!!!