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Dirty Tackle

Artur Boruc’s Friday Rage List

Brooks Peck
Dirty Tackle

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Artur Boruc feeling confused. (Getty)

AAAAHHHHHHHH I AM ARTUR BORUC AND THIS IS A LIST OF THINGS THAT MADE ME ANGRY THIS WEEK:

1. IT'S NOT FRIDAY -- I STARTED CELEBRATING ST. PATRICK'S DAY EARLY AND THE NEXT THING I KNOW JUVENTUS SCORED FIVE GOALS ON ME AND I'M WEARING MY OLD CELTIC SHIRT AND AND IT'S NOT FRIDAY ANYMORE AND A BUG FLEW IN MY MOUTH AND MY SOCKS ARE FILLED WITH PAINT THINNER JELLO SHOTS AND MY TONGUE IS AN EVEN DARKER GREEN THAN USUAL AND I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT IS GOING ON RIGHT NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AHHHHHHHHH I'M JUST GOING TO SCREAM AND PUNCH UNTIL EVERYTHING MAKES SENSE AGAIN!!!!!!!!!!!!

2. THE CRYING MAN CITY FAN -- STOP CRYING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! SOMEONE SCORING A GOAL IN A FOOTBALL MATCH IS NEVER A VALID REASON TO CRY!!!!!!!!!!! EVERYONE KNOWS THAT MEN ARE ONLY SUPPOSED TO CRY WHEN THEY BREAK THEIR PERSONAL RECORD FOR EATING CHICKEN WINGS OR THAT PART IN THE LITTLE MERMAID WHEN URSULA DECLARES HERSELF RULER OF ATLANTIC AND USES TRITON'S TRIDENT TO MAKE HERSELF A POWERFUL GIANT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AHHHHHHHHHH EVEN MY TEARS ARE GREEN FOR SOME REASON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

3. LIONEL MESSI AS A GOALKEEPER -- STOP DOING THINGS YOU MAGICAL LITTLE HERMIT CRAB!!!!!!!!!!!!!! YOU'RE MAKING PEOPLE FEEL BAD ABOUT THEMSELVES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! STOP LOOKING AT ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!! LET'S SEE YOU STOP A SHOT FROM ANDREA PIRLO WITH HIGHLY FLAMMABLE GOOP BETWEEN YOUR TOES!!!!!!!!!!!!! STOP LOOKING AT ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

4. CORN -- ST. PATRICK'S DAY IS JUST A RUSE OF THE CORN TO GET US ALL DRUNK AND STUPID AND EASY TO CONTROL WITH ITS STRINGY HUSKS!!!!!!!!!!!! WHAT DO YOU THINK IS ONE OF THE KEY INGREDIENTS OF GREEN FOOD COLORING?!???!! CORN STARCH!!!!!!!!!! OH GOD WHAT HAVE I DONE?!?!?!??!!?!??!?!

5. POLISH FANS BRINGING FLARES TO A U-8 INDOOR MATCH -- THAT'S RIGHT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

6. A MOTHER KICKING A BALL IN HER CHILD'S FACE -- THAT KID SHOULD HAVE KICKED IT RIGHT BACK AT HER AND THEN TOLD HER THAT HE NOW CONSIDERS HIS DAD'S SPECIAL FRIEND DIANE TO BE A FAR SUPERIOR MOTHER TO HER!!!!!!!!!!!!!! INSTEAD HE DID NONE OF THAT AND NOW HE IS GOING TO HAVE BIZARRE INTIMACY ISSUES FOR THE REST OF HIS LIFE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AHHHHHHHHH I ALREADY TOLD YOU TO STOP LOOKING AT ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

7. NIGEL DE JONG TRYING TO CARRY AN INJURED OPPONENT -- THIS GUY IS TOTALLY DETACHED FROM THE REST OF HUMANITY!!!!!!!!! I BET HIS MOTHER KICKED BALLS IN HIS FACE ALL THE TIME WHEN HE WAS A KID!!!!!!!!!!

8. ITALIAN FOOTBALLER WHO INTENTIONALLY MISSED A PENALTY BECAUSE HE THOUGHT HE DIDN'T DESERVE IT -- I WOULD HAVE SAVED IT ANYWAY!!!!!!!!!! AND THEN I WOULD HAVE THANKED HIM FOR BEING SO THOUGHTFUL!!!!!!!!!!!!!

9. MY IDIOT NEIGHBOR DAN WYKOWSKI -- SO I WAS DRAWING A MAP OF MY NIGHTMARES WHILE SCREAMING ITALIAN LOVE SONGS WHEN MY IDIOT NEIGHBOR DAN WYKOWSKI ASKED ME WHY I WAS DOING BOTH OF THOSE THINGS WHILE BROWSING IN A CANDLE SHOP!!!!!!!!!!!! I TOLD HIM "BECAUSE I FEEL LIKE IT!!!!!!!!!" AND ASKED WHAT HE WAS DOING THERE!!!!!!!!!!!! HE SAID HE WAS SHOPPING FOR CANDLES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I SAID "THAT'S NICE!!!!!!!!!!!!" EXCEPT I SAID IT IN A WAY SO HE WOULD KNOW THAT I DID NOT THINK IT WAS NICE AND ALSO THAT MY NIGHTMARE MAP WAS STARTING TO LOOK LIKE MY GUEST BEDROOM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ANYWAY DAN BOUGHT A CANDLE THAT SMELLS LIKE APPLES AND I GOT MYSELF BANNED FROM YET ANOTHER SHOP IN FLORENCE!!!!!!!!!! PRETTY SOON I'M GOING TO HAVE TO HANG OUT IN THIS ONE GELATO SHOP EVERY DAY AND THAT WOULD JUST BE EMBARRASSING!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AHHHHHHHHHHH I HOPE DAN'S CANDLE SMELLS LIKE GREEN APPLES INSTEAD OF THOSE VILE RED ONES!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I AM ARTUR BORUC AND THIS HAS BEEN MY RAGE LIST. SEE YOU NEXT WEEK! GOD BLESS!!!!!!

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