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Dirty Tackle

Artur Boruc’s Friday Rage List

Dirty Tackle

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AAAAHHHHHHHH I AM ARTUR BORUC AND THIS IS A LIST OF THINGS THAT MADE ME ANGRY THIS WEEK:

1. YESSSSSSSSSSSS -- I AM KING OF THE RAFT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! BOW BEFORE ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AHHHHHHHHHHH I STILL FEEL INFERIOR BECAUSE I'M NOT WEARING A HEAD SCARF THOUGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2. OFF THE POST AND IN THE FACE SHOT -- THIS IS THE GREATEST THING I HAVE EVER SEEN!!!!!!!!!! NOT ONLY DOES HE NOT SCORE BUT HE SMASHES HIS OWN TEAMMATES IN THE FACE WITH HIS SHOT!!!!!!!!!!! AHHHHHHHHHHHH WHY ARE MY DREAMS HAPPENING IN REALITY?!?!?!?!?!!??!?!?

3. THIERRY HENRY'S LAME RED CARD -- SO HE PUSHED THE BACK OF AN OPPONENTS HEAD A LITTLE THAT IS NOT WORTH A RED CARD!!!!!!!!!!!!!! THE ONLY OFFENSES THAT SHOULD GET FOOTBALLERS SENT OFF ARE DECAPITATIONS AND TELLING SECRETS!!!!!!!!!!!!!! NO ONE LIKES PEOPLE WHO TELL SECRETS!!!!!!!!!! AHHHHHHHHH STOP LAUGHING AT ME WHILE YOU WHISPER!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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4. CORN -- I DIDN'T SEE ANY EVIDENCE OF THE CORN CONSPIRACY THIS WEEK WHICH MEANS EVERYONE SHOULD BE ON HIGH ALERT!!!!!!!!!! THE CORN IS CLEARLY TRYING TO MAKE US FEEL COMFORTABLE WHILE IT PLOTS ITS KERNELED TERROR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! HIDE YOUR FAVORITE BATH SPONGE!!!!!!!!!

5. FIGHTING AFTER THE COPA LIBERTADORES FINAL -- HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO SAY THAT VIOLENCE IS NOT THE ANSWER?!?!?!?!????!? FIGHTING WON'T CHANGE WHO GETS THE TROPHY!!!!!!!!! UNLESS THE TROPHY IS FOR FIGHTING!!!!!!!!!!!! THEN YOU SHOULD USE YOUR CHIN AS A STABBING DEVICE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

6. PLAYER SENT OFF FOR PENIS PIERCING -- THIS IS DISGUSTING!!!!!!!!!!!!! I WOULD NEVER PIERCE THAT PART OF MY BODY!!!!!!!!!!!! ONE TIME I PIERCED MY STOMACH WITH A FLAG POLE BUT THAT WAS PURELY ACCIDENTAL AND ONLY BECAUSE I JUMPED OUT OF A COMMERCIAL FLIGHT BECAUSE IT WAS FLYING TOO SLOW!!!!!!!!!!! AHHHHHHHHHH I ASKED IF I COULD DO IT AGAIN AND THEY SAID NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!

7. LEEDS BANNING A PITCH-INVADING GREAT GRANDMOTHER -- A GREAT GRANDMOTHER AT 63?!?!?!?!??! A GREAT GRANMOTHER AT 63!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

8. JOEY BARTON MEETING MORRISSEY -- IF MORRISSEY WAS TAYLOR SWIFT AND JOEY BARTON WAS ME I WOULD BE FREAKING OUT RIGHT NOW!!!!!!!!!!!! INSTEAD I AM JUST CONVULSING WHILE SCREAMING MADE UP SWEAR WORDS AT A STRANGE CAT THAT WANDERED INTO MY HOUSE!!!!!!!!!!!!! AHHHHHHHHHHHH ITS COLLAR SAYS "KITIER KATBA"!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

9. MY IDIOT NEIGHBOR DAN WYKOWSKI -- SO I WAS TRYING TO STOMP COINS INTO DUST WHEN I HEARD A KNOCK ON MY DOOR!!!!!!!!!!! AT FIRST I THOUGHT IT WAS A DOOR TO DOOR SALESMAN BUT THEN I REMEMBERED THAT I DON'T LIVE IN 1947!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! SO I ANSWERED IT TO FIND MY IDIOT NEIGHBOR DAN WYKOWSKI STANDING THERE WITH HIS TWO GOOBER KIDS!!!!!!!!!!!!! DAN ASKED ME HOW MY OFFSEASON WAS GOING AND I SAID "MORE FANTASTIC THAN YOU WILL EVER KNOW DAN!!!!!!!!!!" BUT I SAID IT IN A WAY SO HE WOULD KNOW THAT I WISHED HE WOULD GET HEAD LICE THAT CARRY RABIES AND FEEL UNCOMFORTABLE FOR AT LEAST A WEEK!!!!!!!!!!!! HE THEN ASKED IF I WOULD LIKE TO GO ON A TRIP WITH HIM AND HIS KIDS SINCE I HAVE SOME FREE TIME!!!!!!!!!!! I ASKED "WHERE?!?!?!??!!???!?!?!" AND HE SAID ZURICH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I KNEW THAT FIFA HEADQUARTERS IS IN ZURICH SO I AGREED!!!!!!!!!!!! WE LEAVE ON TUESDAY!!!!!!!!!!!!! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH I HOPE DAN DOESN'T MAKE ME SIT NEXT TO THE BOY GOOBER KID ON THE WAY THERE!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I AM ARTUR BORUC AND THIS HAS BEEN MY RAGE LIST. SEE YOU NEXT WEEK! GOD BLESS!!!!!!

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