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Dirty Tackle

Artur Boruc’s Euro 2012 closing ceremony

Brooks Peck
Dirty Tackle

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Giant trophy or tiny stadium? (Getty)

AHHHHHHHHHH I AM ARTUR BORUC AND THIS IN NOT MY FRIDAY RAGE LIST!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I HAVE BEEN WORKING VERY HARD ON CHOREOGRAPHING A CLOSING CEREMONY FOR EURO 2012 BUT SINCE THE FINAL WAS IN UKRAINE AND NOT POLAND THEY WOULDN'T LET ME DO IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! TO BE FAIR POLAND SAID THEY WOULDN'T HAVE LET ME DO IT IF THEY WERE HOSTING IT EITHER THOUGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ANYWAY I DECIDED TO HOLD MY CLOSING CEREMONY REGARDLESS OF WHAT THEY THINK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! TAKE THAT EURO ORGANIZING COMMITTEES AND I'M SORRY FOR BEING ON THE VERGE OF MAKING YOU LOOK TERRIBLE BY COMPARISON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WITHOUT FURTHER ADO ENOY THE SHOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

TO BEGIN WITH A BANG AND GET EVERYONE INVOLVED WE START WITH A FUN SINGALONG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! IF YOU DO NOT SING ALONG I WILL SMASH YOUR FACE WITH A PAIR OF JEAN SHORTS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

NOW THAT WE'RE WARMED UP LET'S GET AWESOME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

NEXT WE GET EDUCATIONAL AND TEACH YOU HOW TO MAKE POLISH SAUSAGES!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AHHHHHHHH YOU WILL LEARN SOMETHING AND YOU WILL LIKE IT!!!!!!!!!!!!

AND JUST TO BE FAIR TO OUR CO-HOSTS HERE IS THE UKRAINE NOT WEAK GUY FROM THAT ONE EPISODE OF SEINFELD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

AND AS SOMETHING EXTRA SPECIAL FOR THIS MAJOR EVENT HERE IS AN EXCLUSIVE PERFORMANCE OF A SONG ABOUT BEING 15 YEARS OLD FROM THE ONE AND ONLY TAYLOR SWIFT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! IF YOU LOSE INTEREST AT ANY POINT DURING THIS SONG YOUR HAIR WILL BE COVERED IN A RARE VIRUS AND I WILL DROPKICK YOUR EARRINGS ONTO JUPITER!!!!!!!!!!!!! BUT IF YOU DON'T HAVE ANY EARRINGS THAN YOU ADMITTEDLY HAVE LESS TO WORRY ABOUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

FINALLY WE WILL FINISH THE WAY ALL GREAT CEREMONIES SHOULD FINISH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! BY HAVING A STARING CONTEST!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! IF I LOSE I WILL CHANGE YOUR CAR'S OIL IN THE MOST MENACING WAY POSSIBLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!! IF YOU LOSE YOU WILL IGNORE THE TIMES THAT I TRY AND SHAKE YOUR HAND WHEN YOU TRY TO GIVE ME A HIGH FIVE AND WE END UP DOING AN AWKWARD HALF SHAKE HALF HIGH FIVE THAT JUST FEELS UNCOMFORTABLE FOR BOTH OF US!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! THEN THE WINNER GOES AGAINST MY PAINTING OF THE POPE IN THE FINALS!!!!!!!!!!!!! HE HAS NEVER BEEN DEFEATED!!!!!!!!!!!!!! READY?!?!?!?!?!??!?!?!?! GO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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(Piotr Kucza)

AHHHHHHHHHHH I AM ARTUR BORUC AND I HOPE YOU HAVE ENJOYED MY CLOSING CEREMONY FOR EURO 2012!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! GOD BLESS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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