Artur Boruc’s Asmir Begovic Goal Rage List

Brooks Peck
Dirty Tackle

AHHHHHHHH I AM ARTUR BORUC AND THIS IS A LIST OF THINGS THAT MADE ME ANGRY AT EXACTLY 3:00:12 ON SATURDAY AFTERNOON!!!!!!!!!!!

1. ASMIR BEGOVIC'S GOAL — HOW COULD THIS HAPPEN TO ME?!?!?!?!?!?!??!! THE MATCH HAD BARELY EVEN STARTED!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I WAS STILL GOING THROUGH MY OPENING KICKOFF ROUTINE OF ATTEMPTING TO MELT THE OPPOSING STRIKERS' EYEBROWS WITH MY MIND SO THEY WOULD BE SELF CONSCIOUS FOR THE REST OF THE GAME!!!!!!!!!! BUT JUST AS THEY WERE ABOUT TO START LIQUIFYING THE BALL WAS COMING MY WAY AND MY TEAMMATES BACKED OFF IT AND IT BOUNCED OVER MY HEAD AND AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH TELEKINESIS IS SUPPOSED TO BE EASY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2. MY TEAMMATES — THANKS GUYS!!!!!!!!!!! JUST STAND THERE AND WATCH WHILE OLD ARTUR GETS OWNED BY A BALL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! OWNED BY A BALL!!!!!!!!!!!!!! THE LEAST YOU COULD HAVE DONE WAS GIVE ME A BOOST SO I COULD JUMP 80 FEET INTO THE SKY AND FALCON PUNCH THE BALL INTO SPACE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! THAT WOULD HAVE BEEN SO FANTASTIC!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! THE ASTRONAUTS WOULD NOT HAVE KNOWN WHAT WAS HAPPENING BUT INSTEAD THEY'RE PROBABLY LAUGHING AT ME ON THE MOON NOW!!!!!!!!!!!! AHHHHHHHHH STOP LAUGHING AT ME ASTRONAUTS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

3. THE WIND — I KNEW YOU WOULD BETRAY ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AFTER ALL THOSE YEARS OF BEING THERE FOR YOU WHEN EVERYONE ELSE HATED YOU FOR BREAKING THEIR UMBRELLAS AND BLOWING LEAVES ALL OVER THEIR YARDS THIS IS HOW YOU REPAY ME?!?!?!?!?!?!??!?!?!! I CAN'T BELIEVE I BROKE ALL THE WINDOWS IN MY HOUSE JUST SO YOU COULD COME IN AND HANG OUT WHENEVER YOU WANTED TO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I TRUSTED YOU WIND!!!!!!!!!!!! I TRUSTED YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

4. CORN — WE ALL KNOW THAT THE WIND WASN'T SMART ENOUGH TO COME UP WITH THIS EVIL PLAN ON ITS OWN!!!!!!!!!!!!!! THERE HAD TO BE KERNELED MASTERMIND BEHIND IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! THE CORN KNEW I WAS GETTING CLOSE TO UNRAVELING ITS INTERNATIONAL CONSPIRACY FOR WORLD DOMINATION SO THIS IS HOW IT KEEPS ME AT BAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WELL NICE TRY CORN BUT IT TAKES A LOT MORE THAN ONE DEVASTATING GOAL THAT WILL HAUNT ME FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE TO STOP ME FROM DESTROYING YOUR VILE SCHEMES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

5. REMEMBERING THINGS — I KEEP CHUGGING PAINT THINNER BUT IT'S DOING NOTHING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! NOTHING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

6. MATCHING – AS IF SCORING A GOAL ON ME IN 12 SECONDS WASN'T BAD ENOUGH BEGOVIC ALSO HAD TO WEAR THE EXACT SAME THING AS ME SO WE LOOKED LIKE GOALKEEPER TWINS ALL DAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I HATE WHEN PEOPLE WEAR THE SAME CLOTHES AS ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I HATE IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! THE ONLY DIFFERENCE BETWEEN OUR KITS NOW IS THAT MINE IS IN FLAMES IN MY MICROWAVE AND HIS IS PROBABLY JUST ON THE "POPCORN" SETTING IN HIS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AHHHHHHHHHHH I HATE THE CORN SO MUCH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

7. FORGETTING THINGS AND THEN REMEMBERING THEM AGAIN — MEMORIES ARE HARDER TO DELETE THAN COMPUTER VIRUSES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! NO MATTER HOW CLOSE I SIT TO THE TV SCREEN WHILE "MEN IN BLACK" IS ON THE MEMORY ERASER THING JUST WON'T WORK ON ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! THIS IS HORRIBLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

8. MY IDIOT NEIGHBOR DAN WYKOWSKI — SO WHEN I GOT BACK FROM THE MATCH I JUST WANTED TO GO INSIDE AND BOARD UP MY WINDOWS TO KEEP THAT TURDFACE THE WIND OUT AND THEN LISTEN TO TAYLOR SWIFT ALL NIGHT AND SCREAM AT A LAMP BUT AS SOON AS I WALKED IN THE DOOR MY IDIOT NEIGHBOR DAN WYKOWSKI WAS RIGHT THERE WITH HIS TWO GOOBER KIDS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! THEY SAID THEY SAW THE MATCH AND WANTED TO KNOW HOW I WAS DOING!!!!!!!!!!!! I TOLD THEM I WAS FINE BUT I SAID IT IN A WAY SO THEY WOULD KNOW THAT THE ASTRONAUTS ARE MOST DEFINITELY STILL LAUGHING AT ME EVEN THOUGH YOU CAN'T HEAR LAUGHTER IN SPACE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! THEY SAID THEY WANTED TO CHEER ME UP BY INVITING ME OVER AND COOKING ME DINNER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I AGREED TO GO JUST BECAUSE THEIR HOUSE HAS MORE STUFF TO BREAK AND THEN REPLACE WITH BETTER STUFF OF EQUAL OR GREATER VALUE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! THEY MADE WAFFLES FOR DINNER AND IT WAS DELICIOUS BUT THEN WE PLAYED MONOPOLY FOR LIKE FOUR HOURS AND IT WAS HORRIBLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

9. FORGETTING THINGS AND THEN REMEMBERING THEM AGAIN AND THEN FORGETTING AGAIN AND THEN REMEMBERING AGAIN — AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH WHEN WILL IT END?!?!?!??!?!?!?!?!?!?!?

I AM ARTUR BORUC AND THIS HAS BEEN MY RAGE LIST FOR 3:00:12 ON SATURDAY AFTERNOON. GOD BLESS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!