Not impressed by Arsenal beating Hull City to win the FA Cup and end the nine-year trophy drought that everyone thought was soOOOooooo hilarious? Well WA-BAM! How about stomping the Premier League champions 3-0 to win the Community Shield? Is that a good enough start to the season for you? Trophy drought demolished! And I've gone ahead and bought every cabinet at the Wembley Ikea for Jose Mourinho to assemble for me because this is only the beginning.
Cups are nice, but we've gone all Game of Thrones on everyone and now we've got shields. "Oh, it's just a glorified friendly and it doesn't really matter," says everyone who didn't just win the Community Shield. Well tell it to the shiny plate currently reflecting me giving everyone the finger.
It's like I've taken a trophy laxative and now they're all flowing out of me with the force of one of those hydro jet packs. My players are even winning World Cups when they're on break from winning trophies with me. Remember when Olivier Giroud first came to Arsenal and couldn't finish to save Fernando Torres' life? Well now he's doing this...
If you still haven't caught on to the theme here, it's that you're done. I am now a silverware hoarder and no reality show on the planet is going to make me stop. I will not be satisfied until Alexis Sanchez has to jump over a pile of super cups to score a goal at the Emirates. All of the stadium's toilets will be replaced with Capital One Cups and instead of flushing them, we'll just tell visitors to throw them in the direction of Tottenham so we'll have space for the next ones.
As you might have figured out by now, I am a very sick man. I've got a fever. And the only prescription is more trophies.
Prepare yourselves for the season of Arsene. This is the year of the puffy coat.
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