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Dirty Tackle

Arsene Wenger defends himself and his fellow managers

Brooks Peck
Dirty Tackle

(Getty)

So apparently everyone got together and decided it's time to blame the managers for everything again. Roberto Di Matteo gets sacked six months after winning Chelsea's first Champions League title, Roberto Mancini gets dumped on for not doing well in Europe after winning City's first Premier League title in, like, eight million years and in Paris Carlo Ancelotti is getting fitted for a noose since he hasn't won the league in December.

Not to mention the fact that I'm getting slapped around -- again -- because Arsenal have two wins in nine matches after I led us back from 4-0 down to Reading in the Capital One Cup a few short weeks ago for the greatest comeback in the history of anything ever. I'm sorry every match can't be perfect, except I totally did that one time. The Invincibles. But since that season didn't happen within the last 18 seconds you probably forget that too.

Newsflash, simpletons -- being a football manager is weird. I know you all think it's as easy and enjoyable as urinating in the street when you're too drunk to feel your neck, but it's not. You win everything all the time always in your Football Manager video game? Congratulations, Rumplestinkskin. That's all numbers and formulas and a fantasy hole where things follow logical expectations and don't deviate too much so as to ensure your fun times and inflated self-confidence. In real life, sometimes even the right decision can turn out wrong and actual human beings never do what you want them to because they are awful. Except for Thierry Henry. And if you say one disparaging word about him, I will swallow you whole with my coat.

It's easy to blame the manager. Every one of us makes mistakes and there's always someone who thinks we're incompetent for them. It's just one solitary old man standing on the touchline, wearing a debonair puffy coat, and uselessly waving his arms at the players. It's a lot harder to also blame all the beloved players, who, by the way, don't know any of your names or birthdays. And when there isn't an identifiable owner to point the finger at, you can't make misspelled death threats against an entire faceless board. You need that scapegoat or two to take the fall for everyone else because complex and nuanced emotions are too hard. Yeah, I get it...and Thierry is judging you for it. Good luck getting an after-life now.

Stuff kind of goes wrong for a while with players leaving and new signings not panning out after life was like a prolonged sex dream for year after year? Lets cry about it. Not satisfied with qualifying for the Champions League all the time because you don't get a physical trophy for it that you will never keep in your house anyway? Call up Gandhi's nephew and have a protest march in the streets.

Oh, and you better start taking notes, Manchester United. Because as soon as Alex Ferguson retires, you're going to be down here in the sewers with everyone else as your next 20 managers get crushed under that dead-eyed new statue of his. Anyway, in conclusion, have some perspective and loosen up your distribution of blame. Except for Rafa Benitez, who definitely deserves everything he gets.

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