Dirty Tackle

Arsene Wenger rubs in Arsenal’s League Cup win against Reading

Brooks Peck
Dirty Tackle

"I got this." (Getty)

Down 4-0 at Reading in the Carling Coca-Cola Capital One Cup? An own goal from Laurent Koscielny? Arsenal fans singing "We want our Arsenal back" and walking out early? Everyone saying I obviously don't care about the competition because I put out a second-choice side? Yeah, cool story bro.

First, Theo Walcott scores just before halftime -- but nobody pay attention to that. Just keep laughing and making your brilliant jokes. Hahahahahaha. Hahahahahaha. Meanwhile, in the dressing room, I deliver a team talk so profound that it brings the mighty beast -- the Gunnersaurus -- back from extinction. This is just the setup.

In the 62nd minute I put in Olivier Giroud and before you can say, "Oh he's been so terrible what a waste of a substit-" Wabam! He scored in the 64th minute to make it 4-2. So what? It's still over. The game's passed old man Wenger by. He can't bring this team back from the dead. Especially when it's the 88th minute and it's still 4-2. Then Wabam! Laurent Koscielny makes up for his own goal by scoring in the 89th minute. So what? There's just injury time left and it's still 4-3. Well how about this: Theo Walcott scores again in the sixth minute of injury time! WA-BAM! Or was it Carl Jenkinson? It doesn't matter -- but WA-BAM for that too. "But there were just four minutes added how could he score in the sixth?" Because Arsene Wenger! That's why, fool!

So it's 4-4 going into extra time. How can this match possibly get any more insane? Both sides are probably just going to hold on for penalties and finish it there. Guess again, punk. MAROUANE CHAMAKH SCORES IN THE 103RD MINUTE. "But he hasn't scored a goal in 13 earth months!" Well, he's been waiting until now like the freaky-haired ninja that he is. 5-4 Arsenal and my body is tingling like a virgin on a porn set.

Oh, but wait. Reading score in the 116th minute to make it 5-5. Surely that will take the wind out of our sails. That's depressing after a comeback that was to be written about in a new edition of religious texts. Or is it? 121st minute and Theo Walcott scores again! It's 6-5. Oh and then what's this? Kiss your grandmother on the mouth because Chamakh scores AGAIN to make it 7-5 in the 123rd minute! You can't make this up! But I can do it for real.

Theo Walcott scoring all over the place. Olivier Giroud coming off the bench to do what he's supposed to. Marouane Freaking Chamakh with a brace to melt your face. And Andrei Arshavin running around and actually doing stuff. All while I turn a financial profit for the club! A financial profit, you ingrates! What now?! No one can top this! Greatest match of all time! I will make my own trophies out of confidence and power! I am Arsene Wenger and I am the king of football! Puffy coat for life! 7-5!

Never doubt me again.

Full match highlights here.

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