Before another 20 million people have a panic attack about why I'm not spending the cruise ship buffet of money Ivan Gazidis said was available to me this summer, I figured I should explain my transfer strategy. So here it is: Shut up. That's my transfer strategy. Shut. Up.
Look, in case you haven't figured it out by now, I'm a bit of a rebel. A debonair maverick. A man who should have a dense and powerful mustache, but doesn't just to keep you on your toes. When everyone started getting obsessed with trophies and spending money, I veered off in another direction, said "Been there, done that!" and laughed. Mostly because I brought my collection of Garfield comics with me. Garfield is the best. I love that cat as much as he loves lasagna. And in case you're unfamiliar with Garfield, he f***ing loves lasagna.
But this isn't about Garfield, John Arbuckle or even that punk Odie. This is about not bowing under pressure. Take my puffy coat for example. Everyone mocks it and makes their jokes, but instead of getting rid of it, I just keep making it bigger and long and bigger and longer. I even tried wearing it in the warmer months because I can take the heat. And when I woke up in a hospital after passing out from dehydration who knows how many days earlier, the doctor said, "Arsene, you can't keep wearing that coat." Then I grabbed him by the collar and said, "Watch me." I was treated for dehydration 38 more times that summer. Do you think I care? No.
I realize that might raise more questions than it answers, so I'll put it another way: Every time I see a journalist question my reluctance to spend or hear a fan beg for some overpriced shirt salesman, I grab a handful of the giant amount of cash the Arsenal board gave me and I burn it. I literally burn it, bake the ashes into a souffle and flush that souffle down the toilet. My plumber says that dumping all those souffles down the toilet is ruining my pipes. I told him I'll just start going in the woods.
Liverpool won't sell Luis Suarez for £40,000,000? They want £50,000,000? I'll offer £40,000,001 that's already in flames in my bathtub. Mario Balotelli style. Deal with it.
I built the Invincibles. Undefeated in the 2003/04 season. Such an impressive feat that the Premier League commissioned a special gold trophy just for us. Gold. Who wants the stupid normal one again after that? Maybe one of the other guys who went undefeated and won it, but not me. Oh wait, there are no other guys who went undefeated and won it. Anyway, once you do something so great that the Premier League has to invent at trophy for it, spending money to win another title just seems like cheating. And unlike Robin van Persie playing solitaire, I don't cheat.
Maybe I'll buy players and maybe I won't. Maybe I'll stop using the same disposable razor I've had since 1986 and maybe I won't. Maybe the league will make me another special trophy out of frankincense and myrrh when I win with the cheapest and most profitable team in the top four and maybe they definitely will. Either way, all the transfer obsessives need to do is shut up because I'm not going to do whatever I feel like not doing.
- Sports & Recreation