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Dirty Tackle

Arsene Wenger explains the sale of Robin van Persie to Manchester United

Brooks Peck
Dirty Tackle

"Adios, stinkwaffle." -- Arsene Wenger (Getty)

So, Van Persie's gone Manchester City. Or United. Whatever. I honestly don't care. Yes, he scored 40 percent of Arsenal's goals last year, but the rest of the team scored 60 percent. A clear majority. Plus he always used way more towels than one person could possibly need.

I can't tell you how many times other players would come up to me and complain that there were no more towels and every single time Robin would have a giant pile. So have fun with that, Ferguson. You just paid £24 million to lose all your towels. Maybe you'll learn how to run a football club when you're 71.

It's a good thing Van Persie said he wanted to leave this summer because the second he showed up at that first preseason training session with more gray hair than me I was ready to sell him to a KFC. What is that? The guy's 29 years old. Maybe he has some kind of weird aging disorder. It would explain why he used to break his hip on a weekly basis and is now chasing trophies like they're ice cream vans.

Van Persie really is injury-prone, though. Like, even more than most Arsenal players. So you probably shouldn't get too excited about that partnership with Wayne Rooney. We've already seen what Man United do with Golden Boot winners (Dimitar Berbatov) and they don't play with Rooney. They sit on the bench. Also, when the papers have weekly stories about Chicharito and Danny Welbeck wanting more playing time, I'm going to laugh harder than I do at Garfield. And I f***ing love Garfield.

Anyway, the fact that my captains keep leaving is kind of messed up. Patrick Vieira, Thierry Henry, Fabregas, Van Persie. William Gallas stayed long enough to be stripped of the captaincy but that's probably not a good thing. Maybe I should make Andrei Arshavin captain next and hope a Manchester club or Barcelona take the bait.

But, again, I don't care about those disloyal twits. I replaced Robin before he even left. Lukas Podolski. A French guy called Olivier. That's classier than being named after a little circus acrobat who hung out with Batman. Podolski scored 18 goals for his boyhood club before leaving for a second time when they got relegated. It'll be nice to finally have a player who walks the walk when it comes to loyalty.

In closing, I hope the Mayans were right.

Arsenpocalypse 2012.

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