Dirty Tackle

  • NASL club unveils new mascot with delightfully bizarre halftime presentation

    Brooks Peck at Dirty Tackle1 day ago

    Team mascots are almost always strange abominations of nature that have the ability to elicit joy from a crowd while also stealing souls through the eyes of non-believers. So it's only fitting that the unveiling of a new mascot capture this odd concoction of menace and glee.

    The NASL's San Antonio Scorpions, who you might remember as the club that recently bought a striker for free lodging and transportation, managed to pull this off at halftime of their home opener against Minnesota United. After teasing fans with a "mystery egg" featured in a slick advertising campaign that featured the photoshopped image of the club's president sitting atop a giant egg (below), the Scorpions delivered with a spectacle that is unlikely to be matched in this lifetime.

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  • Future News: Tottenham declare that it would be nice if Real Madrid just gave Gareth Bale back to them

    Brooks Peck at Dirty Tackle1 day ago

    Spurs have announced that they're not asking for Real Madrid to give them back Gareth Bale, but if the Spanish giants decide to do it on their own, it would be very, very nice of them. This comes after Bale scored the winning goal against Barcelona in the Copa del Rey final in dramatic fashion, while Tottenham hope to retain sixth place in the Premier League.

    "We're not proposing that Real Madrid return Gareth to us in exchange for their money back because we've already spent all of the money on seven lottery tickets," Spurs chairman Daniel Levy mumbled to himself while eating his breakfast this morning. "So that's out. But if Real Madrid would like to just give Gareth Bale back to us as a gift, it would be impolite to refuse. And we certainly wouldn't want to be rude to such a kind, generous, understanding and dare I say handsome club."

    Spurs have regressed this season without the star who scored seven match-winning goals for them last year. The seven players brought in last summer with the money raised from the record sale haven't managed to make up for the loss of Bale, perhaps giving the club a twinge of seller's remorse.

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  • Cristiano Ronaldo consoles Lionel Messi after the Copa del Rey final

    Brooks Peck at Dirty Tackle2 days ago

    Hey bud. You OK? I'm sorry you lost, but, you know, someone had to. And I'm glad it wasn't us. So that's...a...tough one.

    It's a shame we couldn't play tonight. Oh, you did play? Well good for you! Maybe I was just watching my teammates and the players who scored goals too closely. That's probably why I didn't see you out there. By the way, do you like my hat? I'm trying to make suits with a baseball cap the new thing. I'm pretty sure it's working. I'd say you should try it, but then you would look like you're trying to copy me. Maybe you should do a fedora with a tracksuit. It's just an idea, but it could work for you. Think about it. Not right now, of course, but sometime within the next day or so.

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