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Barcelona are closing in on a deal that will send midfielder Cesc Fabregas to Coupe de France winners Bordeaux. The move is a result of new testing from Dr. Xavi, Barcelona's leading scientist in the field of why Jose Mourinho is terrible, that proves that Fabregas never had Barcelona DNA as previously thought when he joined Barca from Arsenal in 2011.

"Upon hearing the fans jeer Cesc Fabregas this season, I decided to order a new round of testing on his DNA," said Dr. Xavi on the condition of anonymity. "And the findings were incredible. He actually has 100 percent Bordeaux DNA. So in accordance with UEFA's nonexistent club DNA bylaws, Cesc will be sold to the French club immediately. I have no idea how this mix-up occurred, but it had to be Jose Mourinho's fault somehow because he is terrible and both I and Barcelona are perfect. Be sure you write that."

Arsenal retained the right to first refusal after selling Fabregas to Barcelona, but manager Arsene Wenger said the club will

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Spanish tax authorities have accused Lionel Messi and his father of tax fraud over a four-year period totaling €4 million. The fraud allegedly began when Messi, who is now one of the highest paid athletes in the world, was still underage and had his father in charge of his finances. But Messi took to his Facebook page, with its 46 million "likes," to deny any wrongdoing from either him or his father.

From the Guardian:

A complex network of companies based in Britain, Switzerland, Belize and Uruguay were allegedly used to keep his income out of the sight of tax authorities.

"The initiative to commit fraud came from his father," tax authorities said, according to Spain's EFE news agency.

Tax prosecutors have lodged a writ at a court in Gava, the Mediterranean beachside town outside Barcelona where Messi lives.

The court has yet to decide whether it will open a case against the man who has been Fifa's world player of the year for a record-breaking four seasons in a row.

According to the

Feeling buoyant after Australia's resplendent 4-0 win over Jordan on Tuesday — which leaves the Socceroos three points away from automatic qualification to next year's World Cup Finals — manager Holger Osieck decided to treat journalists at a post-match press conference to the words of fourth-century archbishop St Ambrose: "Mulieres taceres in ecclesia."

Apropos of nothing, and with a large grin on his face, he translated the Latin phrase as "women should shut up in public."

The manager, who was Franz Beckenbauer's assistant when Germany won the World Cup in 1990, was still smirking when he claimed the quote would make him "the darling of all Australian wives," but the grin disappeared when he was forced to issue an apology. The Daily Mail reports:

'To everyone who may feel offended by that, I offer a sincere apology,' Osieck said today.

'It was off the record, it was more a funny remark.

'It was nothing against any women or whatever. Definitely just a complete misunderstanding.'

It's

For Franck Ribery, the best way to wind down after Bayern Munich's epic treble-winning season is to re-enact his favorite scenes from Miami Vice on his speedboat. Teammate Manuel Neuer, however, will spend the summer as a filmstar, as his voice acting talents have been utilized in Die Monster Uni, the German dubbing of Disney Pixar's Monsters University.

In the prequel to 2001's Monsters, Inc. — released on June 21st — the goalkeeper plays "Frightening" Frank McCay, a character portrayed by The Office star John Krasinski in the English language version. Judging by the super-scary monster impression he does in the trailer above, Neuer must have been a shoo-in for this role.

The German shot stopper isn't the first international football star to lend his voice to feature-length animation: last year Andres Iniesta was an albino pirate in the Spanish dubbing of Aardman's The Pirates!.

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The United States beat Panama 2-0 in front of more than 40,000 loud and delightful fans in Seattle. They are now on top of the CONCACAF World Cup qualification table with a game in hand on Mexico. Just to be clear, they are not Spain and they have not cemented their World Cup qualification just yet. But after this latest performance, USA fans should feel something they're not used to feeling: Contentment with the state of the team.

Over the last two weeks, the United States has played four matches and the improvement from game to game has been consistent and as clear as a Jermaine Jones yellow card. First, they played a friendly against Belgium and were simply outplayed by a very talented team, losing 4-2. Four days later, they played a friendly against a second-choice Germany squad and got off to a great start before defensive errors forced the team to scramble to hold on for a 4-3 win.

Five days after that, the USA again got off to a very comfortable start in their World Cup qualifier

Argentina midfielder Javier Mascherano earned one of the more bizarre red cards you'll see when he kicked the driver of the injury cart that was transporting him off the pitch during his side's World Cup qualifier in Ecuador. The incident happened in the 87th minute with the score at 1-1 after two goals were scored early in the first half. Mascherano was laying on a stretcher in the back of the cart as it headed towards the tunnel. It's unclear what upset the Barcelona player, but he lashed out and kicked the driver twice before getting out of the cart. Apparently the effects of his injury disappeared once the anger took hold.

The referee then showed him a straight red card, which shocked the notoriously short-tempered Mascherano. The match ended in a 1-1 draw.

UPDATE: Mascherano has explained himself and apologized. From ESPN:

Reflecting on the incident, Mascherano said: "I feel ashamed. You must always be against violence. The truth is I made a mistake. It is not nice that you get

Zlatan Ibrahimovic scored both goals in Sweden's 2-0 World Cup qualifier win against the Faroe Islands, but he felt their incessant complaining to the referee throughout the match required further punishment. At one point during the match, Zlatan spoke to the referee with Faroe Islands defender Atli Gregersen. Goalkeeper Gunnar Nielsen decided to approach the trio to add his thoughts, but Zlatan shut him up before he could say anything by casually tossing the ball off his face without looking.

Ibrahimovic was lucky not to get booked for the incident, benefiting from the fact that the ref was distracted by his notebook. Of course, if the referee did try to show him a yellow card, he probably would've just thrown the ball off his face next. Such is the wrath of Zlatan.

Haiti shocked Italy by coming up with equalizer in the second minute of injury time to earn a 2-2 draw in Rio. It was Italy's final warm-up match before they take part in the Confederations Cup and though they started with a very experimental line-up, manager Cesare Prandelli still called the result "an embarrassment."

For Haiti, it's a feel-good moment for a country that hasn't had many in recent years. Playing all six of their matches away from home this year, three years on from the earthquake that ravaged Haiti's capital, they had yet to get a result. Losing 2-1 to world champions Spain in Miami on Sunday provided Haiti with a confidence boost and their determination didn't waver, even after Italy scored within 20 seconds of kick-off and went up 2-0 in the 73rd minute. Haiti pulled one back with a penalty in the 85th minute and then a long ball from their own half to Jean Phillipe Peguero, who sped past Italy backline, led to the equalizer.

Haiti rejoiced, and Prandelli could only lament the result. From Football Italia:

“It is certainly a bad result and an embarrassing one, as a draw with Haiti is an embarrassment,” the Coach told Rai Sport.

“We arrived yesterday and made many changes. We should’ve been different in terms of spirit today."

Both this friendly and the one against Spain raised money that will go towards building a new stadium in Port-au-Prince and the general redevelopment of Haiti, so this means far more than just a morale boost. Speaking of which, here's Haiti's Jeff Louis showing up two Italian defenders with a bit of local flair earlier in the match...