After starting the first leg of their Champions League quarterfinal against PSG with no true strikers on the pitch, Chelsea finished the second leg with three and it paid off in the form of an 87th-minute Demba Ba goal that sent them to the semifinals. Jose Mourinho has often bemoaned his options up top this season, so now might be a good time to reintroduce the club's strikers.
Name: Demba Ba
Appearances this season: 23
Goals: 6 (3 in the Champions League)
What has he been up to? Doing promotional work for the NBA, going on syrup binges to numb the pain of being ignored, waking up in strange places, considering puppetry as a new hobby only to decide against it, shaving odd body parts just to see how it feels, biding his time, thinking positively, telekinesis.
Name: Samuel Eto'o
Goals: 11 (3 in the Champions League)
What has he been up to? Developing age-based comedy bits, occasionally saying hello to Ashley Cole so he doesn't feel so alone, inventing new smoothie flavors and asking people to make them for him, collecting "Keep Calm and Carry On" throw pillows, getting lost on away trips, just being happy he no longer plays for Anzhi Makhachkala, wishing he was still being paid as much as he was by Anzhi Makhachkala.
Name: Fernando Torres (a.k.a. Fernando Gingerbead)
Goals: 9 (four in the Champions League)
What has he been up to? Letting people make jokes about him if they still feel like it even though it kind of just feels mean at this point, costing £50 million, doing less than he did at Liverpool, defending the Blueberry Kingdom from the new red menace: the dastardly Mr. Pearl Teeth, admiring his extensive collection of trophies and winner's medals, looking sad.
Name: Romelu Lukaku
What has he been up to? Being on loan at Everton, scoring goals, generally being what Chelsea have needed all season, making Jose Mourinho curse his name and shake his fist at the sky (not necessarily in that order), cutting his hair, breaking Playstation controllers, being used as a tool to try and take Mourinho down a peg, getting hugged by Roberto Martinez, avoiding hugs from Roberto Martinez, telling people his name isn't "Didier," origami.
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