Occupying the coveted space on the Venn diagram where football nous, likeability and utter mentalness overlap, Balotelli is the greatest footballer of all time. And quite possibly the greatest person of all time. With Super Mario in power, children all over the world would go unbullied, players facing disciplinary action would have to spend varying amounts of time locked in his "firework room", FIFA's Swiss headquarters would be converted into a go-kart track and Michel Platini would constantly live in fear of having darts plunged into his stupid French face.
Like Sepp, she's used to getting paid tremendous amounts for doing very little, and you can be assured she wouldn't get involved in any kind of corruption (it's hard to accept a bulging brown envelope when there are E! cameras in your face all day). There would also be no danger of her remaining in power for 600 years like Mr Blatter — as soon as that big check clears, she's leaving quicker than a Mancini at a Tevez birthday party.
As readers of his Sun column will be aware, 'Arry has all the correct and indisputable answers to the thorny issues in the game. The Spurs manager's appointment could also be a huge cost cutting measure: his wife Sandra could replace half the committee ("Even my Sandra could do a better job at running that CONCACAF!"), the other half could get their expensive suits replaced by some of Jamie's cheap shiny ones, and there'd be no need for FIFA headquarters as Redknapp only gives interviews and statements from the front seat of his car.
As an experienced FIFA committee member, a potential future world leader with unshakable scruples and a impressive past as an anti-Apartheid activist, he's pretty well qualified. But who cares about that — his name is Tokyo Sexwale! Even if his tribute song points out the disappointingly correct pronunciation, who could possibly disagree with a decision made by a governing body led by a man with a handle like that?
Boo the dog
As a horrifically exploited Pomeranian dog without political experience, the ability to speak or any concept of what football actually is, Boo is still better qualified than Blatter to safeguard the beautiful game for future generations. Plus, he looks so cute wearing people clothes!
He might be sexist and racist, though. It's hard to tell.
- Mario Balotelli