2014 World Cup must-own merchandise, Vol. 1

Brooks Peck
Dirty Tackle
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(Photo by Mario Tama/Getty Images)

When World Cup fever strikes, there's only one thing FIFA wants you to do: spend money. Well, that and watch the matches exclusively through the channels made available by official broadcast partners. But until the matches begin, all you can really do is spend money on World Cup related merchandise. So to help you in that endeavor, we've picked out a few wonderful items that you simply must own.

Official 2014 World Cup Passion men's and women's fragrances

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Forget the balls and shirts and scarves — what you need more than anything is to smell like a World Cup. For just $30, you can arouse the nasal passages of potential lovers with the official FIFA World Cup scents. So what do they smell like? Probably a heady mix of laundered money and the tears of newly homeless children.

Versace Loves Brazil T-shirt

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Want to spend way too much money on a T-shirt that shows what the 2014 World Cup might look like to someone who just took way too much mescaline? Then this £417 ($513) 100 percent cotton abomination conjured up by the haunted discotheque imagination of Donatella Versace herself is exactly what you're looking for. Sized small to 3XL, here's how Versace's website describes the shirt:

To celebrate the 2014 FIFA World Cup in Brazil, Donatella Versace has created a special t-shirt that combines the passions of football with the vivid iconography of the Versace DNA. A brand new Versace baroque print is created using the colors of a Brazilian carnival, decorated with repeated images footballs and flowers. Gold chains and leopard print add luxury, while silhouettes of football players connect the glamour of Versace with the sportsmanship of Brazil. At the heart of the t-shirt is the iconic Medusa head, with a special Versace rock twist.

If you stare at it long enough, you can see a fully nude Sepp Blatter covered in goat's blood.

Colavita World Cup limited edition extra virgin olive oil

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If Italy can match Brazil's record of five World Cup titles, celebrate by dumping this all over yourself for just $19.99. You should probably put a tarp down first, though.

England '66 onesie

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Let's face it, you're probably going to suspend even the loosest standards of personal hygiene during the month long celebration of football and corruption. So remember England's only World Cup title in 1966 as they attempt to navigate their way past group-stage opponents Italy, Uruguay and Costa Rica in this onesie priced at £29.99. Includes a hood and pockets to fill with the booze and tissues that will be necessary if they fail to reach the knockout stage.

World Cup trophy beer glass

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This is actually pretty great. A beer glass in the shape of the World Cup trophy. For $13.22, you can feel like a winner every time you get a drunk or want to suck down 300ml of orange juice.

Pele hair diamonds

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Though not specifically a World Cup item, there truly is no better way to celebrate the tournament than by buying a diamond made from the hair of a man who won it three times. Yes, these are actually diamonds made from the carbon in Pele's hair and mounted with a golden statue of Pele executing his famous overhead kick against Belgium in 1968. They are limited to just 1,283 pieces (one for each of his record number of goals). The only currency of a future football obsessed dystopian society can be yours for $7,500 per diamond (proceeds benefit a pediatric charity).

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Brooks Peck is the editor of Dirty Tackle on Yahoo Sports. Have a tip? Email him or follow on Twitter!