Christmas is still three months away, but that didn't stop organizers of the London Olympics from starting a holiday push for its official 2012 merchandise back in July. If you're one of those people who likes to get their shopping done super early with swag from an event that's more than 700 days away, you're in luck. Today, we present Fourth-Place Medal's official guide to what not to buy at London's official Olympic store:
1. Wenlock stuffed animal
For the child in your life you want to terrify.
2. Rhythmic Gymnastics Taxi
That sounds like a failed pilot for Lifetime, and the image on the top of the taxi looks like something out of the kama sutra. So far there are die-cast taxis for the following Olympic sports: judo, wheelchair basketball, track cycling, boxing, shooting, badminton and artistic gymnastics. The one for modern pentathlon must be on the way.
3. Pillows. Lots and lots of pillows.
I love swag. A closet full of hats and T-shirts from NCAA tournaments, U.S. Opens and golf tournaments sponsored by now-extinct banks can testify to that. I like to remember sporting events I attend by buying useless junk that I only see when I move apartments. But what would ever possess anyone to buy a pink pillow with the Pangea Olympic logo superimposed over the Union Jack? That's not even ironically kitschy.
4. Wenlock poster
Somewhere, a London version of Andy Dufrense will use this poster to hide his planned escape from Shawshankshire Town Prison.
It's going to be a disappointing Christmas for all those kids who put London 2012 Union Jack bed linens on the top of their lists.