Tyler Seguin is naked on a machine that's not a Zamboni, loves his rubber ducky

  • Oops!
    Something went wrong.
    Please try again later.
In this article:
  • Oops!
    Something went wrong.
    Please try again later.
ESPN
ESPN

The annual ESPN Body Issue is out, which means another collection of naked athletes that can make us all curse our metabolism and lethargy while marveling at their muscle tone. 

As we mentioned earlier, Tyler Seguin of the Dallas Stars is our hockey representative in this year’s issue, and it’s a little change of pace. Instead of the Adonis poses of Ryan Kesler and Zdeno Chara, ESPN captures the whimsy of being a 23-year-old multi-millionaire hockey player, posing Seguin naked on a machine that is not a Zamboni but an "ice resurfacing machine."

As well as giving him the ultimate goofball sports star pose: Having him hold something in front of his penis. (See also: Gronkowski, Robert.)

ESPN
ESPN

This is honestly the most oddly arousing episode of SESAME STREET we’ve ever seen…

There's also a video of the photo shoot, which gives us this GIF for the rest of our lives:

Here's some Seguin from the Body Issue, in which we find out maybe too much about him:

I've gotten addicted to cryotherapy. I stand in this tank, which goes down to like minus-184 degrees Fahrenheit; it goes up to your neck and you're just wearing underwear and socks. It jump-starts your nervous system. I'll do a morning skate at the rink, then I'll do cryotherapy in the chamber, come home, eat, and go to sleep until I have to get to the game. That's pretty much my game-day routine.

A couple of years ago, I lost 17 pounds in one season. Guys are different; some put on weight during the season, some stay normal, I lose weight. It's something I've been trying to figure out, but it's just how my body is. I spent the whole summer last year trying to put on more fat. By the end of the year, I was down to 3 percent body fat.

I want to see a kangaroo. I've been everywhere in North America and to Europe a few times but never Australia. There's zero hockey going on over there, and I feel like it would be another world.

These photos are awesome. Not just because they show off Seguin’s personality, but because it reveals a body that rivals that of the hot guy at your local auto body shop. Which is to say almost a “boy next door” vibe, if the boy next door was someone your parents told you to avoid except you sneak out with him at night during the summer and hang out with him and his weird friend Jamie who’s super shy. And you head down to the quarry and drink Shiner and talk about life and your fears and cryotherapy and maybe he’s marriage material if you could tame him but can you every really tame someone like him and oh my god it’s nearly dawn and mom and dad are going to be SUPER PISSED but you never want this night to end and ...

See more of the ESPN Body Issue athletes here. We look forward to seeing a post-Gary Roberts health regimen Phil Kessel in the issue next season with a six pack. Of, like, muscles, we mean.