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Teemu Selanne’s epic new milk commercial: An analysis

Greg Wyshynski
Puck Daddy

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Eyes up here, please.

Eyes up here, please.

Teemu Selanne’s playing career may continue next season with Jokerit, the Finnish team which gave him his start.

But whether he plays or retires, Teemu’s status as a hockey icon in his homeland means the endorsements will keep pouring in ... like milk into a pint glass. 

Teemu Selanne is in a great new commercial for Valio, the official milk product of future Hockey Hall of Famers named Teemu. It's an inspirational hockey fable, brought to life by one of our game's most cherished players.

Here's Teemu's new ad:

We don’t speak Finnish, so we’re taking our best guess at the plot synopsis. Here goes nothing:

Teemu Selanne portrays Teemu Selanne, a former National Hockey League star who made the terrible, regrettable decision to retire when he clearly could have played another season in the League; potentially depriving Winnipeg of its most amazing moment since that time portable electric heaters debuted in local stores. Which we believe was in 2007.

‘Why did I do this bad thing? Why did I take my talents to Jokerit?’ laments Teemu, who has nothing to do but stare at the ice since Jokerit is on the road and he only plays home games. He can hear the dulcet tones of Doc Emrick in his head, despite the fact that none of the teams he played for in the NHL were ever featured on NBC.

He watches in frustration as a young player clangs a puck off the post, and for a moment he believes it’s Dany Heatley. The young player skates over to Teemu, who offers life-altering advice to the young lad: Look at what you’re doing, stupid.

The young player does just that, and Teemu turns and walks away, having atoned for his sin of leaving the NHL after being one of its most beloved stars for 20 years. His job is done.

And by that we mean he dies.

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His LL Bean jacketed body is bathed in the white light of the afterlife as he takes one last lingering glimpse at the rink he so loved, before ascending into the Finnish version of heaven …

… which is a milk bar that only shows Teemu Selanne highlights.

The bartender, whom we assume is St. Peter, pours Teemu a tall one, and slides it down the bar, where it’s intercepted like a Mathieu Perreault pass.

Who would dare prevent Teemu from enjoying his calcium-enriched beverage of choice?

You guessed it …

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Blaine, the villain from a 1980s sex comedy about a ski academy!

Wait, no, it’s the young player Teemu helped at the rink.

And he’s there with all his teammates, because they all died too, in some gruesome accident on a catastrophic scale.

Enjoy milk everyone!

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Again, this is just our best guess. We’ve also heard a theory that this is a clever callback to a classic 1994 commercial in which Teemu Selanne visits a bar and baffles everyone by ordering milk instead of booze.

Oh man, Lil’ Teemu. We just want to put him in the pocket of our overalls and carry him wherever we go…

s/t Janne Virtanen

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