(As the NCAA hockey season is done, our own Ryan Lambert needed something on which to opine. Say hello to a special series from yer boy RL, PUCK LISTS, in which he arbitrarily lists hockey things.)
The 2016 Western Hockey League Bantam Draft was held this week, and once again has provided a startling glimpse into the naming conventions for modern day parents. Here are the 60 most ridiculous names in 2016 WHL bantam draft:
Dead last. Matthew Robertson, D, Edmonton (7th overall)
Whoa whoa whoa. Hey, Matt, do you not understand the concept here?
The WHL bantam draft is exclusively for children named things Lukahs, Carsynn, and Koldlan. Get outta here with your normal-sounding name.
Now if you name had been Mathyeiu, it would be a different story. And the last name too! Where are the Zs? The double-vowels? The symbols? It doesn't look like the email password of a particularly cautious security software engineer at all.
What are you, a middle-manager at a mid-sized company in a mid-sized city? Can't have it. But this is far too normal. Please stop it.
59. Jackson Van de Leest, D, Calgary (16th)
58. Brandon MacKenzie-Kochen, D, Kelowna (152nd)
57. Jesse Mistelbacher, F, Prince George (126th)
56. Xavier Cannon, G, Tri-City (196th)
Now this is closer to what I'm talking about. Xavier is, technically, a perfectly normal name for a human being, but like, a human being in an early-2000s WB teen drama. Cannon, though? That's WHL all the way.
55. Carson Dyck, F, Swift Current (26th)
54. Graeme Bryks, C, Seattle (172nd)
The last two have regular old words turned WHLish by the inclusion of a Y. Decent.
53. Chad Smithson, D, Swift Current (136th)
Where did this name come from? The 2005 WHL bantam draft.
52. Jayden Lee, D, Kelowna (202nd)
This is perhaps the most standard of the Ayden/Aiden/Jayden/Kaden/Kaydon/Brayden names in the draft. Points off for lack of imagination.
51. Kade Olsen, D, Vancouver (178th)
50. Nakodan Greyeyes, C, Seattle (117th)
Putting this here because it is an awesome First Nations name.
49. Jerzy Orchard, F, Kamloops (110th)
48. Kjell Kjemhus, LW, Regina (77th)
This might be one of those picks we look back on years from now and say, “This is when the K trend really became the 'Kj' trend.” If only god is willing.
47. Callum Fortin
46. Tyus Gent, C, Victoria (88th)
This name is what carpet remnants must feel like.
45. Carter Woodside, G, Kootenay (111th)
44. Boston Bilous, G, Edmonton (80th)
Alliterative and named after a city. Not bad, but definitely room for improvement.
43. Judd Caulfield, F, Portland (207th)
42. Holden Kodak, F, Portland (229th)
What a moment for this kid! Okay, I'm logging off now.
41. Logan Rawlyk, D, Prince Albert (233rd)
I'm back. This was one of six Logans in the draft. There were, however, no alternative spellings, which I don't understand. Give me Lohgyhn or give me death. Please, give me death.
40. Reece Newkirk, C, Portland (53rd)
39. Harrison Blaisdell, LW, Vancouver (31st)
38. Rhett Rhinehart, D, Prince Albert (13th)
37. Jalen Price, F, Medicine Hat (63rd)
36. Aiden Bulych, LW, Prince Albert (189th)
35. Kishaun Gervais, F, Portland (185th)
I didn't so much pick Gervais here for the name as this extremely WHL video from when he was like 10:
Just a very young kid in a big windy field doing tricks with a ball hockey ball in nearly full pads. Sure. Why not.
34. Brayden Travey, F, Moose Jaw (21st)
33. Bowen Byram, D,
He could have been Bowyn. It would have been great.
32. Cyrus Toth, D, Spokane (127th)
31. Callan Sandquist, G, Portland (141st)
30. Carter Cockburn, LW, Brandon (197th)
Funny story: There was a right wing for Northern Michigan University whose name was Bryce Cockburn, also a good WHL Name (makes sense, because he was from British Columbia), in the early 2000s. Cockburn swore to everyone his name was pronounced “Coburn” and we all just had to go along with it. Doesn't seem fair to me.
Carter is more of a 2016 WHL Name, though, for sure. No word on pronunciation of surname at press time.
29. Elan Bar-Lev-Wise, C, Victoria (132nd)
I mentioned hyphenates earlier. This is the rare double-hyphenate. Victoria's equipment manager is likely counting all his blessings that even with two hyphens, this kid's name tops out at 12 character. That's manageable.
28. Colton Kitchen, D, Kootenay (177th)
27. Ryker Evans, D, Regina (209th)
26. Jagger Prosofsky, C, Kamloops (235th)
Smooth skater, from what I understand. Skilled on the puck. Has a lot of moves.
Okay, okay, logging off again.
25. Nicksha Eric, D, Kamloops (257th)
Nicksha is an uncommon name, to say the least. It would need to be Nycksha to be truly WHL-y, though.
24. River Fahey, F, Red Deer (74th)
23. Konor Campbell, D, Moose Jaw (131st)
Conor with one N is good. Konnor with two Ns is good. Konor is perfect. But because his last name is Campbell, all his teammates are just gonna call him “Soup” anyway, so it doesn't matter.
22. Keegan Craik, F, Prince George (98th)
21. Layton Ahac, D, Seattle (66th)
20. Aidan Barfoot, F, Vancouver (113th)
19. Killian Kiecker-Olson, F, Kelowna (188th)
This is a wonderful combination of a K where a C should be, plus a hyphenate. We're getting closer.
18. Kolton Shindle, Brandon (285th)
17. Jakin Smallwood, F, Moose Jaw (92nd)
16. Corson Hopwo, C, Medicine Hat (138th)
15. Neithan Salame, D, Brandon (152nd)
Going “EI” instead of “A” in Nathan is a power move.
14. Cael Zimmerman, F, Calgary (44th)
One of the joys of the WHL bantam draft is trying to figure out how some kids pronounce their names in the first place.
Is this one, like, “Kale” as in the okay salad thing/former NHLer Cale Hulse (by the way, Cale Hulse played in.... you guessed it, the WHL)? Is an anglicized spelling of the Kryptonian “Kay-el?” Or is it, as I very much hope with all of my heart and my soul, an insane-o spelling of a name pronounced “Kyle?”
I hope to never know the answer so that this can continue in my brain as a sort of Schrödinger's Pronunciation Of A Bonkers-Ass Name.
13. Kash Rasmussen, F, Tri-City (95th)
12. Timber Lewis, D, Brandon (219th)
11. Edge Lambert, C, Prince George (143rd)
Okay these last two literally aren't even names. Timber and Edge. I mean come on.
This Edge kid though, there's something about him that just seems so smart and funny and cool and good, isn't there?
10. Tarun Fizer, F, Tri-City (69th)
9. Jacson Alexander, D, Swift Current (17th)
One letter off from a Seinfeld actor, and also one letter off from a perfectly run of the mill young person name.
Taking the very anti-WHL step to actually REMOVE a K from a name, though? That's as WHL as it gets.
8. Kyrell Sopotyk, F, Kamloops (103rd)
7. Kabore Dunn, D, Kootenay (70th)
See what I mean about unnecessary Ks? By the way, though, Kabore?
6. Ryden Fedyck, D, Medicine Hat (55th)
5. Deegan Mofford, C, Kelowna (45th)
4. Kaedan Korcazk, D, Kelowna (11th)
In many other years, this would be the perfect WHL Name. However, this is a strong draft class and having some wacky spelling of a WHL Name as basic as Kayden won't cut it.
3. Peyton Krebs, LW, Kootenay (1st)
What a blessing it is to have this wonderful WHL Name also be the first pick in the draft. What a true blessing.
2. Paycen Bjorklund, RW, Tri-City (24th)
Wow did Peyton get ever his doors blown off here.
1. Mkyllan Couture, D, Prince Albert (167th)
What even is that first name? McEllan or something? Good lord.
Honestly, this list could have been 100 names long, no question about it. Whatever goes on in the Pacific Northwest and the prairie provinces results in some preposterous names.
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