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Greg Wyshynski

Pittsburgh Penguins: The Stanley Cup Musical

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In our travels around the YouTube universe, we couldn't help but notice that Pittsburgh Penguins fans have a real talent for creating original and parody songs for their beloved team. OK, "talent" in some cases is a stretch, but they're nothing if not prolific. So we've hastily cobbled together an off-off Broadway musical from some of the selections from the Penguins' online jukebox. A few of these videos offer rather funny visuals; others are just about the music, brother. We'll begin clearing space on the mantle for our Tony Awards. Enjoy.

ACT ONE: The overture blares from the band as the curtain rises to reveal a clean sheet of ice, with a giant Stanley Cup Finals 2008 banner casting a shadow over it. Skaters wearing the distinctive black and gold of the Pittsburgh Penguins filter out for a practice. There's laughing, there's joking; there's Crosby striking a pose for the cameras, there's Ruutu spearing a punching bag in the corner as if he's parrying against Inigo Montoya. Confidence is high. A spotlight hits MySpace folk rock icon Jimmy T, sitting in the penalty box with an acoustic guitar. He warbles through "Penguins Cup Song 2008" like he's the love child of Bright Eyes and Wayne Coyne of The Flaming Lips:

Practice ends, as our jovial heroes return to the bench, goofing on Sidney's (Zac Efron ... gotta get the teen girls through the turnstiles somehow) tough-kid-in-the-boy-band beard and listening to Coach Michel Therrien (we're hoping for Liam Neeson, but we'll settle for the fat guy from "Pee-Wee's Big Adventure"). "I'm glad you jokers are taking this so seriously. You know the Red Wings are super tough, right? Chelios actually fought in the Battle of Thermopylae."

"We can take'em, coach!" And with that the Penguins begin trading verses on the rocking declaration of confident defiance known as "Pittsburgh Penguins 2008 Stanley Cup Song," to the tune of Def Leppard's "Photograph." (What, no "Pour Some Scuderi on Me?")

And the curtain falls on Act One.

ACT TWO: Curtain rises, and we see the City of Pittsburgh. Hustling, bustling, eating artery-clogging food at an alarming rate and speaking in the unmistakable accent of the Steel City. "Yinz think the Pens are gonna win the Cup this year?"

"If Big Ben is for the Pens, then yinz is for the Pens!" And with that, Matthew Perry, a girl with a rather angelic voice and the Ghost of Joey Ramone appear to sing a Penguins fight song to the tune of the theme from "Friends."

"Yinz know why we're gonna win the Cup? Because yinz got something Detroit doesn't have."

"Several seasons of pathetic losing in order to secure high draft picks?"

"Consistent sellouts in the playoffs?"

"A backup goalie named ConkBlock?"

"No, no and no. They don't have Georges Laraque and Gary Roberts."

The Penguins' tough guys (portrayed by Corey Glover of "Living Color" and Robert Patrick from "Terminator 2") emerge from a storefront to find an entire city block about to engage in an elaborately choreographed song in their honor. Think Janet Jackson's "Alright" video, minus the Cab Calloway. Thus begins "Laraque ‘n Roberts," to the tune of "Rockin' Robin," before the end of Act Two.

ACT THREE: Curtain rises to reveal the visitors' locker room at Joe Louis Arena. Nerves have replaced the joyful atmosphere of pre-series practices. Even Laraque and Roberts, previously seen dancing through the streets of Pittsburgh, are sullen. The Penguins have started to believe that they're not in the Red Wings' class, thanks to nearly every editorial employee of The Hockey News picking Detroit to win the Stanley Cup. Ruutu (Flea from the Chili Peppers) has seen enough. "Don't you see? It was never about the media falling in love with the Penguins. The magic's been inside each of us the entire time! Somehow we forgot that ... so I invited someone who'll make us remember."

The locker room doors fly open in a cloud of smoke, neon-covered dancers and strobe lights cutting through the fog. Kanye West appears, and an electronic voice announces, "Pittsburgh Penguins/Will win the Cup/They are better, faster, stronger."

"Hey, that guy with the Next Day Blinds glasses is right! We can win this thing!" the Pens exclaim in unison.

Inspired by Kanye's surprise appearance, and relieved that his performance didn't involve any of the skits that make his albums nearly unlistenable, the Penguins regain their confidence. They lace up their skates, grab their sticks and begin to filter out of the locker room for Game 1 of the Finals, trading lyrics on our closing number, "Pittsburgh Penguins Stanley Cup Song" by BrittIron Rebel; an inspirational rock anthem that could have been a B-side from the "Rent" soundtrack. Brooks Orpik takes the first verse as he walks through the locker room door: "It's been a long time since we made it to the Stanley Cup/We beat the Rangers and the Flyers but it's not enough..."

The puck drops and the curtain falls. And we immediately sell the film rights to Baz Luhrmann.

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