My friends at The Dagger tell me you’re really good at basketball. I can’t tell you how impressive that is, what with the sport’s seemingly unattainable prerequisites of (a) being freakishly tall and (b) the ability to bounce a ball without looking down. They also told me you’re a freshman sensation at Syracuse, a university that has produced so many of our greatest nebbish sports broadcasters.
But here’s the thing, my friend: You’re not Tyler Ennis.
This is Tyler Ennis:Nathan Gerbe, but he’s an established professional hockey name.
So when we saw “TYLER ENNIS” trending on Twitter last night, we were excited, knowing that he had tied the Sabres' game against the Flyers. Alas, that feed was clogged with references to you, Tyler Ennis, a college basketball player, in a sport that exists solely so we can build office pools around it.
To quote the Bard (and by the Bard we mean The Big Lebowski), “this will not stand, man.”
There can be only one Tyler Ennis in the sports world. And he plays in Buffalo for the National Hockey League.
So change your name, FauxEnnis.
Here’s the thing, Tyler: You know this is right. You’re from Brampton, for the love the loonie.
“Everybody asks if I play hockey and I say, no,” you said last year to USA Today.
This is because you’re not Tyler Ennis. This is Tyler Ennis:
We can’t think of anything more Canadian than for you to change your name: It would be humbly polite and would be done for the betterment of hockey. The only way it could be more Canadian is if you changed your name to a Rush song title.
Is that it? Is it, to quote the Bard (and by the Bard we mean Julia Roberts’ best friend in “Pretty Woman), “the pressure of a name?”
If that's the case, we’ve taken the liberty of entering “Tyler Ennis” into several online name generators for you.
Pirate Name: Bloody Gus Dregg
Benedict Cumberbatch Name: Beezlebub Upperclass
Wu-Tang Name: Tuff Mercenary
Hobbit Name: Falco Loamsdown
We’re of course partial to Beezlebub Upperclass, but that might be better for your “crazy Ron Artest” phase.
Look, we’re not losing this name to another sport. Mike Brown and Jason Williams never had a chance. We’ve barely hung onto Tim Thomas. And go ahead and try to go through life as “MICHAL JORDAN” like that poor bastard with the Charlotte Checkers. We dare you.
This isn’t a request, soon-to-no-longer-be-Tyler-Ennis. This is a demand.
The real Tyler Ennis didn’t spend four long years in Medicine Hat to become “No, The Other Tyler Ennis.”
Do what’s right. For god’s sake, you live in Syracuse: Can’t you even take an iota of pity on a guy stuck in Buffalo?
Frankly we don’t understand how there are two guys named “T. Ennis” in sports and neither has played Wimbledon.
Puck Daddy. (No, the other one.)
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