By Chuck and Pants from What's Up, Ya Sieve?
It's NHL Playoffs time and you know what that means…
As women and lovers of all things hockey and manly, this is the time of year when we rejoice. Not only because it is the start of the playoffs and the journey to Lord Stanley's Cup, but it is also a time when we get to gaze upon the plethora of fuzzy and furry facial accoutrement that players will be sporting over the next two months.
While some beards are just divine and represent all that is good and wonderful about facial hair (we're looking at you, Patrick Sharp), there are some that, well, are just in a league all their own.
So with that, we thought it was time for our NHL Playoff Beard Guide to get you up to speed with the different sorts of follicle finery that you may see during the playoffs.
The Salty Sailor - A bushy, scraggly beard that looks and feels its best when caught the salty sea spray from the bow a ship. Bonus points for length and overall fullness. It should look like you've just come off a cargo ship after three months at sea. Example: Lanny McDonald, Paul Mara, Max Talbot. The Caveman - As the name implies, this is a beard fit for a club-wielding, prehistoric man. For maximum effect, it should also be paired with a hair style that defies all explanation (and helmets). Example: Scott Hartnell, Mike Commodore. The Ginger - Obviously, a beard that is ginger. Unless you're Claude Giroux, in which case your beard is neon. Examples: Claude Giroux, Kris Draper, Brian Campbell.
The MG Beard (Mysteriously Ginger Beard) - A beard so ginger on a man decidedly not ginger that it frightens and confuses us. If you're Claude Giroux, it's no surprise that your beard comes in looking like Animal from The Muppets (and has its own Facebook page). If you're not… you're these guys. Example: James Neal, Martin Havlat. The Casper - Hopes and dreams... and peach fuzz. Maybe next year, boys. When you're older. Example: Evegni Malkin, Patrick Kane, Jonathan Quick. The Maybe Don't - These beards are out to prove they're not the Casper. We appreciate their enthusiasm, but beards are not for everyone. Examples: Sidney Crosby, Marc-Andre Fleury, Valtteri Fillpula.
The Amish - A beard whose idea of a good time is barn-raising parties and chicken races with horses & buggies. Examples: Jordan Staal, Jonathan Toews.The Silver Fox - Grown by an elder statesmen of the NHL, this beard is distinguished. It does not need to be salt and pepper, but it helps. Examples: Niedermeyer Brothers, Martin St. Louis, Mark Recchi. The PermaBeard - Also known as the "Interview with a Vampire" Beard -- it's just unstoppable. If you have a five o'clock shadow by lunch, this is hardly a fair fight. Examples: Patrice Bergeron, Kris Letang. The BAMFB - A beard so dark and terrifying that you would not want to meet in a dark alley. Also, this beard's slapshot has been clocked at over 100 mph. Examples: Shea Weber, Zdeno Chara.
Read much more from Chuck and Pants on What's Up, Ya Sieve?, one of our favorite blogs for irreverent bits of awesome on the world of puck.
- Claude Giroux