Jersey Fouls is our ongoing exploration of the rules and etiquette for proper hockey jersey creation and exhibition. If you spot what you think may be a foul in your arena, email a photo to us at firstname.lastname@example.org for inclusion in future installment.
Oh now that's just mean.
Yes, Brad Marchand of the Boston Bruins does have a rather prominent proboscis. It's not one that reaches Brind'Amourian equine levels, but it's there.
Fans of opposing teams have noticed. Hockey cartoonists have noticed. Hell, even Max Pacioretty has noticed, calling Game 5 of the 2011 Stanley Cup Playoff series between the Montreal Canadiens and the Bruins "longer than marchands (sic) nose."
But c'mon: Pinocchio?
Why, because occasionally he flops down to the ice like someone cut his strings?
Because the Bruins can be the NHL equivalent of the Island of Misfit Toys?
Because Jack Edwards may, in fact, be a wise old cricket?
This Foul is offensive for two reasons. First, because He Is A Real Boy. Second, because his official olfactory nickname is Nose Face Killah. If you're going to waste your money mocking his beak, at least go with the preferred nomenclature, dude. (Thanks to Ian Bissonnette for the image.)
Coming Up: New Jersey Devils and Minnesota Wild pass-or-fails; punny Ducks fan; Dallas Stars protest jersey; a Kraft-work jersey; NHL jersey in the NFL; a terrible '69' sweater and Mike Fisher gets numerical.
And here … we … go.
This is like the punchline to a joke you'd find in, like, an "NHL For Kids" magazine.
"What does Corey Perry get when he kicks an opposing goaltender during a scramble for the puck?"
"A game miscon-Duck!"
For a moment, we were hoping this Anaheim Ducks fan had actually purchased a "Miss Con Duck" jersey, and was either a felon on the lam or out on bail/fresh outta jail/California dreamin'.
(Thanks to PumperNicholl for the image.)
Here's a Minnesota Wild Foul caught by Jeremy Woods:
First time writing in. I saw this at the Bruins/Wild game. This was in a high season ticket holder section. Usually I just laugh at the Mighty Ducks/ Connoly jersey someone wears there (not that night) but this one took its place.
Pass or Fail for the retro logo on the back of the Wild jersey? I say fail...
Well, yes, and mostly because it looks stupid. But had this been a meticulously crafted FrankenJersey combining the team's heritages … then we'd have something.
Speaking of the Wild …
One of the lamest things ever done by a pro sports franchise was the Wild's cornball move to retire #1 in honor of their fans - before they had ever played a single game. not even giving their "great" fans a chance to properly earn the honor by doing something great like selling out every game for a decade. Even then, it still would have been a horribly cornball move.
But to put that on a jersey and get it wrong by going with "Everyone" and not "Wild Fans" makes the foul even more foul.
We'll place this in the Pass or Fail category, because it does get into some interesting territory with the retirement of "No. 1" for the fans. It's a bit like the Wayne Gretzky and Jackie Robinson (in baseball) conundrums — if No. 99 and No. 42 are retired around their respective leagues, why isn't it cool for any fan to snag one of their sweaters for his or her team?
The Puck Daddy Institute on the Refinement of Jersey Foul Bylaws continues its round-the-clock research into this matter.
Other Fouls are a little more obvious.
Via Travis Hughes of Broad Street Hockey, this may be our ultimate "WTF?" sweater in this edition.
Bobby Clarke's name is misspelled on a jersey he's never worn. But please, by all means, frame it. We must protect this precious piece of hockey history from such dangers such as sun glare, dust mites and a flamethrower.
Our old friend Bill Hoppe of Buffalo sends in this one from a Buffalo Bills game over the weekend: a Mike Foligno tribute on a football jersey.
Again, this falls under the jurisdiction of the Subversive Punk Rock Jersey rule, in which it's cool to hockey-ize other sports' jerseys but not to put other sports' athletes on hockey sweaters. So an Ovechkin Redskins jerseys is punk rock, while an RGIII Capitals jersey is kindling.
From world juniors, Keith snagged this image of TrumpetGuy.
Is there any way Kris Versteeg could change his number to an eighth note?
Two fouls from the New Jersey Devils. First comes this Pass Or Fail one from Ryan: That's David Clarkson's jersey, with the No. 3 signed by the Devils' retired No. 3, Ken Daneyko. Which is a little weird, potentially a Foul, but also a tacit endorsement of Clarkson's game by Mr. Devil. So we're confused.
Via Adriatik Selimaj:
Bankruptcy one was from after the 4-1 win over the Rangers at a bar across the arena. Too many Jack & Gingers to remember the name.
Hey, give Jeff Vanderbeek time! In this economy, in this NHL economic system and with that arena people are afraid to walk three blocks from ...
Please notice the hat. Rangers fan. Ouch.
An absolutely delicious Foul from the Alaska Aces, via Mathew Line:
Had some time to kill in Anchorage, so I took in an Alaska Aces game. Assume "Mac-n-Chez" is some sort of affectionate nickname, but even if that's true I wouldn't want it on my jersey. And why not trade the '-N-' for an ampersand and then at least get two E's in your weird nickname."
Look, all we know is that if this lady can find two Aces fans with "Bacon" and "Lobster" jerseys, we're having them for dinner. Uh, we mean "over for dinner." This book is titled "How To Cook For Humans."
Here's Jen with a fantastic Dallas Stars protest jersey:
This one made me laugh. Stopped the guy in the concourse so I could get a good shot of it. He accused me of wanting a pic of his ass. Clearly not the case.
Ironic, consider what happens when you assume.
Alas, this jersey needs an update, given that Adam Burish is now with the San Jose Sharks. There isn't currently a No. 16 on the Dallas roster. Hopefully it's someone with a manageable name.
This is just … here's Steve K:
I saw this guy outside Staples Center after the Hawks/Kings game Saturday night. As a Blackhawks fan I am ashamed to admit this douche is a member of our fan base. The double foul of using "69" and then combining it with a profane reference to prove that he is usually under the influence of something and really needs us all to know about it was astonishing. Jersey foul indeed.
On a side note, my brother-in-law got me tickets for both Hawks games this weekend as a Christmas gift. After seeing my beloved Hawks get outscored 7-1 and outshot 68-38, using this in your next jersey fouls post would go a long way towards mending my fragile hockey ego.
We do what we can, sir.
But what do you mean "profane"? Were this jersey profane, we doubt the merchandise store would have created it, let alone would the arena have granted this fan admittance. In fact, we highly doubt we could run such a profane jersey on a family-oriented site such as this.
Henceforth, we must all agree that the jersey must be an abbreviation for Fordham University College Department of Urban Policy. Obviously …
Finally, from reader Paul Nicholson:
It's a Mike Fisher Nashville Predators jersey that looks like with a sequel to "SE7EN" or a Prince song title. From Paul:
This Foul is not the most egregious violation ever, but the sheer stupidity and poor execution is what hurts me most. "F12HER" would have been bad, but forgivable. But for some reason this guy not only put "12 in place of just the "I" instead of the "IS", but whatever back alley he had to go to have this created did a horrible job faking the font on the "S" so that this starts to look like a cutout ransom note.
Everything he says is true.