Eulogy: Remembering the 2012-13 St. Louis Blues

(Ed. Note: As the Stanley Cup Playoffs continue, we're bound to lose some friends along the journey. We've asked for these losers, gone but not forgotten, to be eulogized by the people who knew the teams best: The bloggers who hated them the most. Here is Los Angeles Kings blogger The Royal Half, fondly recalling the St. Louis Blues. Again, this was not written by us. Also: This is a roast and you will be offended by it, so don't take it so seriously.)

By The Royal Half

It's been said that you have to know the past in order to understand the present. And for the 2012-13 St. Louis Blues, this has never been more true. The Blues entered the NHL as part of the 1st wave of expansion in 1967 when the league doubled the number of teams from the Original Six. (Not to be confused with NBC Sports' Original Two.)

Boy, they sure played the game differently back then.

This is not a visual representation of NHL expansion in 1967 but rather the total amount of goals the Blues scored against the LA Kings in the 1st Round of 2013.

Truthfully, the St. Louis Blues only came into existence in the NHL because the father of one of the worst human beings of all time, Chicago Blackhawks owner Arthur Wirtz, needed to get rid of an old, neglected and run-down structure in St. Louis. At the time, little did the NHL know that "old, neglected and run-down" would not only become a symbol for the fate of the Blues franchise... but also for the city of St. Louis itself!

Never change, St. Louis. Never change.

Once the St. Louis Blues were up and running only because of a backdoor deal with a vastly superior and rival Midwest city... the Blues surprised everyone by heading to the Stanley Cup Finals during their first 3 seasons in the NHL. Here are some highlights of those Stanley Cup appearances from 1968-1970.

Wow, what a play by Berenson!

The St. Louis Blues were swept in all three of their Stanley Cup Final appearances during their first 3 NHL seasons. And they haven't come anywhere close since.

Most. Unrealistic T-Shirt. Ever.

Basically, they are the Corey Feldman of the National Hockey League.


I mean, seriously... what sort of two-bit NHL Franchise doesn't win a Stanley Cup within its first 45 seasons?!?

44 seasons, bitch.

Besides being swept in Stanley Cup Finals, the St. Louis Blues are known for another hockey achievement over the past 45 seasons... developing incredible young talent and then getting rid of them so that player can win a Stanley Cup with another franchise.










I know, I know... Keith Tkachuk never won a Stanley Cup... but him in a Thrashers jersey is easily the funniest thing in this eulogy.

Okay... maybe the 2nd funniest thing.

I'm just looking forward to what the future brings for some of the Blues most talented young players!

Ugh... this is easily the worst TJ Oshie photoshop I've ever seen.

I stand corrected.

I mean, come on... the St. Louis Blues even traded for the greatest hockey player of all time... paired him with a consistent 40-goal scorer on the wing... surrounded him with former teammates from his glory years... and even then, this worthless hockey franchise couldn't win the Stanley Cup.

Oh, this is awkward.

So why is it important to know all this history of the St. Louis Blues? Well, it turns out that the Blues, who are currently the worst NHL franchise when it comes to the playoffs and winning, decided that in order to make it deep into the 2013 Playoffs... they were missing one thing and one thing only...

...the currently worst NHL player when it comes to the playoffs and winning.

That's right, instead of addressing the fact that David Backes and TJ Oshie had scored 13 goals combined during the regular season or that Chris Stewart was their leading goal scorer... Blues GM, Doug Armstrong, decided that what his team needed the most heading into the playoffs was a non-physical defenseman that hadn't made the post-season in 764 games.

To be fair... the hype over Jay Bouwmeester being a soft player that lacks physicality is a bit overblown. He was one of Calgary's most consistent hitters.

I was going to start a blog called "Non-Threatening Photos of Jay Bouwmeester"...

...but then I realized that it already exists.

To be fair... Jay Bouwmeester did win two more games this NHL postseason than the Vancouver Canucks.

As we've learned from their history, the St. Louis Blues were extremely prepared to lose four games in a row during the NHL Playoffs. But just a few days after the start of their off-season... there is already blame being placed upon every aspect of the organization. The fact that the Blues are fighting with each other now really surprises me considering they made one of the classiest moves I've ever seen in a series-ending handshake.

They sent out the only guy who showed up for the series.

After losing four straight to the Los Angeles Kings during last year's playoffs... and then losing four straight to the Los Angeles Kings again this postseason... I wish there was some way to visually represent what St. Louis Blues fans must look like right now.




Nailed it.

Much thanks to Indiana Matt and Ironsight Design for their photoshopping greatness.