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Eulogy: Remembering the 2012-13 Los Angeles Kings

Greg Wyshynski
Puck Daddy

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AP

(Ed. Note: As the Stanley Cup Playoffs continue, we're bound to lose some friends along the journey. We've asked for these losers, gone but not forgotten, to be eulogized by the people who knew the teams best: The bloggers who hated them the most. Here are Laura Astorian and Brad Lee of St. Louis Game Time, fondly recalling the Los Angeles Kings. Again, this was not written by us. Also: This is a roast and you will be offended by it, so don't take it so seriously.)

By Laura Astorian and Brad Lee, St. Louis Game Time

Greetings, oh wise and optimistic commenters of Puck Daddy!

We at St. Louis Game Time were welcomed back to the Eulogy party this year despite getting edited by the bosses up the ladder with Yahoo! Sports last year when we wrote a proper and scathing roast of the Detroit Red Wings.

These things are supposed to be mean. So we were mean. And then you fine people who leave comments wished debilitating mental illness upon us and our loved ones. It was a fun, life-affirming experience. We welcome your constructive criticism again this year.

We learned three things from that experience.

1. Just mentioning a former player who is confined in a wheelchair will be edited out.

2. Making a joke about the mental capacity of the one of the all-time greats of the game will be left in.

3. Only one in 20 in the comments will get it. No wonder Wyshynski asks others to write these things even though I’m convinced he writes them all. He might be writing this right now even though he’s not. (Ed. Note: I'm not.)

And for the record, yes we realize that the Kings have eliminated the Blues for two straight years. We were there. Nope, haven’t forgotten. But that doesn’t mean we can’t give them a hard time for losing this year or for having one shining moment since the late 1960s.

If you ever stop by our site or read our paper that we sell outside Blues home games, you know we like to have fun with Top 11 lists (Top 10s are for hacks). And we thought it would be fitting to write a screenplay for a Kings Eulogy. It’s so Hollywoody.

The only other idea we had was a séance because our team died at the hands of the Kings. Again. But you probably wouldn’t have liked that either.

Also, we’re not that good at making bad Photoshop jokes either like some unoriginal eulogies that may have taken our own criticisms of the Blues and used them against our team. Allegedly.

So here, crap on this stuff.

Top 11 Reasons The Kings Didn’t Repeat As Champs

11. Jonathan Quick’s success went to his f@#!ing head.

10. Playing hockey for Brent Sutter isn’t as fun as they thought. It’s Brent, right? Or Dwayne? The Sutters all look alike to me.

9. Because none of the forwards enjoy the nightlife too much or have a closet drinking problem. Nope, none.

8. Maybe Jack Johnson was the key to the defense after all.

7. Drew Doughty has a personal policy of not touching anyone else. Ever. At least that’s what he told the police detectives and the prosecuting attorney.

6. The series with the Blues, the best team the Kings have played in the playoffs before losing to the eventual Stanley Cup runner-up, was physically taxing and it left the Kings drained and vulnerable. Two rounds later…ok this one was a total reach.

5. Dustin Brown tried really hard to be a smart hockey player. He failed.

4. Winning a lockout Cup is like winning 55 percent of a normal Cup. And who wants that?

3. Lightning only strikes the same place once.

2. Columbus didn’t make a lopsided, team-changing trade that benefitted the Kings this year.

1. One lucky season doesn’t change a franchise’s history.

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And Now, a Brief Scene Capturing the Essence of Los Angeles as a Hockey Town

It’s a bright spring morning in Southern California in early April. The camera fades in to a trendy, upscale salon and plastic surgery center. Women with fake bosoms and blond hair have Italian coffee while wearing beauty parlor capes. They all have designer handbags. Well, the ones that are real. Chatter is about cheating husbands and alimony payments.

The manager walks in and gets the attention of two employees.

Manager: Courtnall, Corolla, can you come to my office for a minute.

Both are in all black. The man has the skinniest jeans he could slide into this morning. His tank top and vest show off his one and a half sleaves of tattoos. The girl has two full sleaves and some metal poking out creating dimples in her cheeks. Her shirt says “If You’ve Heard Of My Favorite Band, It Now Sucks.”

Manager: Congrats you guys, you both tied for employee of the month!

Squeals of excitement come from both.

Manager: Now we don’t normally give out two of these prizes, but you both sold the triple play this month. Courtnall, you booked Dame Judy Dench for the boob lift, botox injections and rejuvenation of a certain unmentionable area. And Corolla, you got Courtney Love to do the same. Granted, she has it every year, but you were the lucky girl who booked it this year.

Corolla: One of those women should do one of those procedures every six months. I’m not going to say which person.

Manager: We’re anything if not discreet.

Corolla: Her nickname is Dame Chunnel.

Manager: Graphic. Moving on, I’d like you two to figure out who gets which prize. One of them is a free Papa John’s Pizza.

The employees have blank looks.

Manager: Hey, it’s supposed to be my pizza. I know it’s horrible. It’s from Detroit. It’s not quite as good as pizza from Chicago, which is totally overrated, but I personally donated it because you guys are so deserving. The other is a pair of sports tickets.

Courtnall: Lakers??!! Dude, I want to go to the Lakers! I know they’re not very good, but everyone in Hollywood goes. I’m going to get discovered and become the actor you all know I will be.

Manager: It’s not the Lakers. It’s the-

Corolla: Dodgers! Sweet. I saw Alyssa Milano at a game one time. We got there way early, like in the second inning and she was already there. Hopefully she’ll follow me back on Twitter soon.

Manager: Great story. We don’t have Dodgers tickets. We do have-

Courtnall: I love that one guy who dunks over cars! I’d never be caught dead riding in a Kia, but that guy is a beast. And the Clippers are OK I guess. But Blake Griffin, he’s my boy! Or is it the Angels? I bet that Pool Holes guy is doing awesome! I’ll just need to leave downtown by noon to make the 7 p.m. game out there in Orange County. I can still get in if I’m not a real housewife, right?

Manager: I’m so glad you two are enthusiastic. But no, it’s a pair of Kings tickets. Maybe you guys could go together and then split the pizza.

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Blank looks.

Corolla: What are the Kings? Is that a roller derby team? Is that what they’re calling USC now? I don’t get it.

Manager: They play hockey.

Courtnall: Ha! No one plays hockey in California. I get it, you’re finally learning how to use sarcasm. Have another donut. Now which Lakers game are we going to?

Manager: But the Kings won the Stanley Cup last year. That made them a big deal in L.A. They finally arrived on the map. You have to remember that it was just one year ago.

Corolla: Who’s Stanley?

Manager: Fine. Here, take the tickets to the Kings. I went last week. I saw Matthew Perry there.

Corrolla: Who?

Manager: You know, Chandler from the hit TV show friends Friends.

Corolla: We were 9 years old when that show got cancelled.

Manager: Fine. Who wants the tickets?

Corolla and Courtnall (In rushed unison): I’ll take the pizza.

And scene.

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