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Eulogy: Remembering the 2012-13 Boston Bruins

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(Ed. Note: Usually, we have the fans that hate eliminated teams the most be the ones to remember them fondly. But since we let those knucklehead Toronto Maple Leafs fans eulogize their own team, we extended the same offer to the knuckleheads from Days of Y’Orr to eulogize the Bruins. Here’s what happens when we unleash cynical, nasty Bruins fans on their own kind.)

By Days of Y’Orr (Justin, Jon, Robb, Greg & Purrgeron)

Thank you all for coming on such a short notice. Normally we have our eulogies in the Days of Y’Orr HQ cafeteria, but like the rest of the NHL, Jeremy Jacobs has decided to lock us out of our building. We’re not sure what his issue is, but there was a note that said “We don’t want the type of people a Puck Daddy eulogy brings in.”

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Despite this quick change of venue, we’re excited that you all were able to find the correct Dunkin Donuts parking lot to congregate in, and not the other 499 in the city. Rumor has it Tyler Seguin will show up to give out free Turbo Shots, but he’ll probably miss every time.

Oh and before you guys start off, we also wish that ThePensBlog, Down Goes Brown, The Royal Half, and every other blog you know wrote this too.

The City of Boston is all about championships; and because of that, what happened in the regular season means very little to us. It’s not how you get into the dance, just that you’re in the dance when it’s all said and done.

The opening round for the Bruins was staying the course. The Bruins grabbed a lead in a series and were beginning to piss it away. 3-1 turned into 3-2, which turned into 3-3 and gave Toronto complete momentum heading into Game 7. Toronto then grabbed a 4-1 lead in that game and it was over.

Goodnight, Irene.

Then the “Miracle on Causeway Street” happened. Nathan Horton woke up from his cryogenic sleep and scored to make the game 4-2, which excited his Goomba commune back in Mushroom Land.

Milan Lucic scored to make the game 4-3 and we started to believe again. I hope the Bruins hang 17 in the rafters after that goal, because Lucic is apparently the only guy in the NHL to play through a season with a newborn baby.

Then Saint Patrice rolled through and his lore continued.

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Bergeron scored to tie the game, send it into overtime and with the game, thousands of people into cardiac arrest. Then it happened, the epic comeback complete as Patrice Bergeron fired a shot past James Reimer.

Elation.

Excitement.

Jubilation.

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The second round showed us that John Tortorella is a better sound bite than a coach (Thanks, Vancouver!) Seriously, the best thing Torts ever did was swear at a referee and NBC caught it.

It was also the series that Torey Krug introduced himself to the NHL. I’m pretty sure that Henrik Lundqvist is still having night terrors.

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Then it came down to the Eastern Conference Finals. The match-up a lot of fans were looking forward to. This thing had more storylines than the WWE. The NHL’s golden boy was playing without his moon mask, Jaromir Jagr was playing against the team he won Stanley Cups with, Pittsburgh goaltending...

And Jarome Iginla.

Yeah, you remember the Iginla fiasco right?

The NHL media went absolutely bananas thinking that Jarome Iginla was coming to the Boston Bruins despite Jarome Iginla saying he would come to the Boston Bruins. Aaron Ward was tweeting it’s a done deal, Darren Dreger was probably making Dreger faces and Kevin Paul DuPont was excitedly chiseling his “IGINLA TO BOSTON” headline into the stone tablets he writes on.

Everyone went to bed thinking that Jarome Iginla was coming to Boston, but they awoke to a much different story. Much like the Chicago Tribune in 1948, everyone was wrong.'

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Peter Chiarelli then held a press conference a day later - looking like he woke up outside of McGanns Pub on Porter St - and said “So they’re a lock right?” regarding Pittsburgh winning the Cup.

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And the Bruins swept them.

There is nothing more satisfying than listening to Pittsburgh Penguins fans complain about their team getting swept. I’m pretty sure that Consol Energy Center is getting their gallows ready for their Kris Letang lynching now that the season is officially over.

Forever buried are the chirps about the 1991 and 1992 Eastern Conference Finals. Forever buried is the Iginla mess. All with one four game beat down of Pittsburgh.

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And then it came to the Finals.

In the end, the Bruins did exactly what they’ve done all season -- blow leads late in the third period. Boston completely crapped their draws in Game 1 and then again with a minute left in Game 6. We’d like to say we’re surprised but we’re not. It was their calling card for the entire season and was fitting they would end their own hopes and dreams the same way.

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If nothing else, this series taught us that Blackhawks fans realize an old, battered Bobby Orr is better than any player their organization has ever produced.

But it’s time we say goodbye to the 2013 Boston Bruins:

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Goodbye, Jeremy Jacobs. Because of you we almost didn’t have a season. While you were swimming in your giant safe full of money the rest of us were forced to watch that swill called the KHL and, if things got really bad, the AHL. Ugh.

But hey, at least you made up for it by giving us free slices of pizza that filled up the entire box, right?

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Ugh. Somewhere Bill Wirtz is smiling from his seat in hell.

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Goodbye, Jaromir Jagr. You were traded for a (now) 1st round pick, Lane MacDermid and Cody Payne, and the best thing that ever came out of it was a parody Twitter account and a fake accent radio personalities used.

Seriously. But at least your beard looked nice.

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Actual photo of Jagr from Civil War

Goodbye, Milan Lucic. You actually had a good playoff run despite not showing up for the regular season. I’m pretty sure I’ll go back to wishing you never got a contract extension when you put up 10 goals next regular season. Good thing your newborn will be a toddler so there’s no more excuses.

Just try to lay off the donuts and burgers this offseason, k?

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Goodbye, Zdeno Chara and Dennis Seidenberg. You were a great pairing during the Stanley Cup Finals:

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They were, by far, the best Blackhawks on the ice the entire series.

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Goodbye, Brad Marchand. Yes, you were complete garbage in the Stanley Cup Finals, but you made Matt Cooke look like a complete fool in Game 2 of the Eastern Conference Finals and we’re okay with that.

Sure, you’re a diving, complaining, awful penalty taking little ball of transmitted disease, but you’re our little ball of transmitted disease and we love you for it. You’ll always be our 2011 “Starley Cup Chanpiar.”

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Goodbye, Andrew Ference. I can only wish that we had a “Tree For Ference’s Horrible Play” campaign. I’m sure that in 20-25 years Boston Common would have looked like a Brazilian Rainforest.

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Goodbye, Kaspars Daugavins. If only you had an iota of talent you might’ve buried that backhander in Game 1 for Boston. But hey, at least you have that one spin-o-rama move you always do. It’s not like the NHL would ever get rid of that...

…Oops.

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Goodbye, Chris Kelly and Rich Peverley. The two of you couldn’t score at a brothel, let alone in a hockey game. One can only hope Peter Chiarelli does right thing, admit the contracts he gave you were garbage, and send you packing somewhere.

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Goodbye, Dougie Hamilton... hey, at least you won some crappy fan-voted award.

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Goodbye, Nathan Horton. If I can find you that is.

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Goodbye to Tyler Seguin.

TyTy, I hope you find the antidote for whatever snake bit you in April because that wound is so large, Marshall keeps bringing it a ball to play fetch with. Seriously, your playoff run was so bad that it hit 2010 and 2011 Milan Lucic levels awful. I’m pretty sure that if you were an animal, you would have been euthanized by now.

It’s like scoring goals was akin to a Swiss washing machine. Good thing you’re 21 and have a degenerative hip disease!

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And lastly, goodbye, fellow Bruins fans. You can bet the best. And you can sometime be the worst. And sometime you’re both at the same time. We’re already enjoying the crazy post-loss meltdown from you all.

“Trade Rask!” “Trade Chara!” “Trade Seguin!”

Don’t ever change, fellow Bruins fans. Don’t ever change.

And with that, we say goodbye. Please remember to get your Jeremy Jacobs inspired gift bags. Yes, they’re empty.

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