(Ed. Note: As the Stanley Cup Playoffs continue, we're bound to lose some friends along the journey. We've asked for these losers, gone but not forgotten, to be eulogized by the people who knew the teams best: The fans who hated them the most. Here is Pittsburgh Penguins blogger Seth Rorabaugh of the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette, fondly recalling the 2010-11 Tampa Bay Lightning. Again, this was not written by us. Also: This is a roast and you will be offended by it, so don't take it so seriously.)
Writing a "eulogy" for the Lightning doesn't seem appropriate.
After three dreadful seasons, the Lightning returned to the postseason and even gave the Capitals the first real threat they've seen for the Southeast Division in two seasons.
We should be celebrating the Lightning's return.
Or fear it.
Frankly, anything that could survive the bumbling ownership of Len Barrie and Oren Koules probably can't be truly killed, at least not without the benefit of a nuclear warhead or holy water.
The Lightning is a modern version of Rasputin. Or Doug Gilmour. It can't be killed. And it won't ever go away.
But there are ways you can combat the Lightning on an individual basis. Consider this a handy guide on how to fight the Lightning person by person.
Sean Bergenheim — Return him to his roots on Long Island. Anything hockey-based from that island isn't a threat past April.
Marc-Andre Bergeron — Ask him to play defense in an NHL game. He is generally useless in that scenario.
Eric Brewer — Anti-Milbury him. In other words, don't trade him for a bag of trash and don't allow him to become an all-star. This attack can also be used on others such as Olli Jokinen, Zdeno Chara and Roberto Luongo.
Brett Clark — Considering he shares the same name as the actor who portrayed "Nick The Dick" in "Bachelor Party," we would suggest a sandwich-based attack.
Steve Downie — Napalm.
Simon Gagne — Stick him on a team with shoddy goaltending and he generally can be rendered ineffective. In other words, just return him to the Flyers.
Adam Hall — If you can find a way to exploit his fetish for Finnish construction equipment, you have him beat:
Victor Hedman — Lure him into the corners of your average NHL rink and you can probably have your way with him.
Blair Jones — Formulate a way to exploit the fact that he shares the same name as a character from "The Facts of Life".
Randy Jones — A combination of a Milan Lucic forecheck and Jack Edward maniacal laugh will do the trick.
Pavel Kubina — He can be lured to the mystical "Center of the Hockey Universe" with millions of dollars. Once entombed there, Kubina, as with any other hockey player really, can be rendered ineffective.
Vincent Lecavalier — A John Tortorella or Matt Cooke-based attack is usually sufficient.
Mike Lundin — Generally speaking, being drafted by the Lightning in the 2000s will usually kill someone on the spot.
Ryan Malone — A Hal Gill-based attack has worked in the past:
Dominic Moore — Ask him to name every team he has played for. As he catches his breath rounding through the Northeast Division, kick him in the leg and run away.
Mattias Ohlund — Take the same attack you would use on Simon Gagne, and just replace "Flyers" with "Canucks."
Teddy Purcell — Any adult who willingly calls himself "Teddy" probably can't be that difficult to beat. Just your nails or something.
Dwayne Roloson — Personally, we would either hide his social security check or make Marc-Andre Bergeron play defense in front of him:
Matt Smaby — Anyone who has gone through life with a last name which sounds similar to a brand of baby wipe probably had to grow up tough. We would suggest a bone saw.
Mike Smith — Scissors.
Martin St. Louis — Either a Zbynek Michalek high stick or just find someone bigger than him to beat him up.
Steven Stamkos — Considering he was trained in the arts of Gary Roberts by … well … Gary Roberts, Stamkos is not to be messed with. However, the most proven method of nullifying his powers is to have Barry Melrose coach him.
Dana Tyrell — If you fear a man named Dana, we really don't have a solution for you.
Ultimately, the Lightning can't be truly killed collectively. But if you attack its individual weaknesses, you might survive.
- Tampa Bay Lightning