Eulogy: Remembering the 2014-15 Anaheim Ducks
(Ed. Note: As the Stanley Cup Playoffs continue, we're bound to lose some friends along the journey. We've asked for these losers, gone but not forgotten, to be eulogized by the people who knew the teams best: The bloggers and fans who hated them the most. Here is ‘stace_ofbase’, queen of garbage wallowing at Battle of California, fondly recalling the 2014-15 Anaheim Ducks. Again, this was not written by us. Also: This is a roast and you will be offended by it, so don't take it so seriously.)
By Stace_ofbase
Throughout the history of humankind there has been quite the emphasis on the number three (Triple Deity, the Rule of Three, Three Men and a Baby, etc.), and I never understood its significance until now.
Until May 30, 2015. The day that the Anaheim Ducks were laid to rest. Again.
The 2012-2013 Western Conference Quarterfinal. Anaheim is up 3 games to 2 against Detroit. Anaheim loses Game 6 on the road. Anaheim is eliminated at home Game 7.
The 2013-2014 Western Conference Semifinal. Anaheim is up 3 games to 2 against Los Angeles. Anaheim loses Game 6 on the road. Anaheim is eliminated at home Game 7.
The 2014-2015 Western Conference Final. Anaheim is up 3 games to 2 against Chicago. Anaheim loses Game 6 on the road. Anaheim is eliminated at home Game 7.
Omne Trium Perfectum. Everything that comes in threes is perfect.
I'm here to effectively bury, no wait, piss on the ashes of the 2014-2015 Anaheim Ducks.
Before I start owning the Ducks online, I would like to spend a moment admiring them for their accomplishments this season. Nobody makes it all the way to the Conference Final without overcoming seemingly impossible feats along the way. I gotta give credit when credit is due; the Pacific Division banner is the third-most sought after banner in the National Hockey League (first is Western Conference Regular Season Champions and second is President's Trophy).
Only the most impressive teams in the NHL can capture the Pacific Division Banner multiple years in a row.
Sup
Anyway, the Anaheim Ducks had to overcome many obstacles this season. Many of these obstacles I speak of were set in place by the NHL's 2013-2014 General Manager of the Year, Bob Murray, who has my vote for 2014-2015 GM of the Year for acquiring Clayton Stoner as the solution to their defensive woes. I can't rip on Bob Murray too much for the acquisition, as he was trying out a new way to draw in sales from Anaheim fans, who spend most of their time frequenting Spencer's Gifts at the local mall.
The plan never paid off, but thankfully the Ducks were able to play three real hockey markets in the postseason to avoid the inevitable bankruptcy for another year and those opposing fan bases were finally able to afford to see a playoff hockey game whilst making a trip to beautiful California -- win-win!
Anaheim, whose weaknesses have been defense and goaltending the past few seasons, decided to go big over the summer and land a big name forward to solve their defe-HEY WAIT A MINUTE whatever I can't explain it.
Anyway, the Ducks had their eye set on someone who has looked for demanded a change of scenery. A place to bring life back to their dying, unfulfilled, Cupless career.
A place to start over and exercise the demons of their horrid past.
Sup.
To be fair, Anaheim did manage to acquire James Wisniewski, who was a suitable defenseman looking to revive his career. Thankfully, Bruce Boudreau healthy scratched him on a consistent basis for Clayton Stoner, so he was unable to improve as a player or improve the team whatsoever! Although there were many questionable decisions on Bruce's part, it's not all his fault. It's not Boudreau's fault that the Ducks have suited up eight different goaltenders in the past two seasons. Two of the puck swallowers who graced the Ducks' net this season were Jason LaBarbera and Ilya Bryzgalov, whose comeback tour ended up almost being as pathetic as Teemu Selanne's last season in the NHL. I guess it's unfair to call it pathetic, I'll quote the late number eight by saying it was a "[expletive] joke".
The one who got the majority of the time in net was Freddie Andersen, a no-name who nobody knows where exactly he came from and nobody cares, because he in fact, is a sneakily horrible goaltender. The fact of the matter is that he is bad because he never played hockey before joining the Ducks. He is actually a failed child actor.
A Ducks game is actually just like A Christmas Story--after the third time you watch, you wonder why you're wasting your time watching something so terrible.
With all these great additions to the Ducks' lineup, there was still something missing. Something to perfectly incapsulate how deplorable this trashbag of a team is. There was a huge crybaby role that desperately needed to be filled once Teemu give-me-more-ice-time-but-don't-play-me-in-back-to-backs Selanne left.
Now don't get me wrong, the pinkelkind/60 was already the highest amongst all the teams in the National Hockey League, led by Diaper King Ryan Getzlaf and Patient Zero Corey Perry, but still, there was a lingering sense of emptiness.
Sure, Ryan Getzlaf fulfills the pissbaby quota of the Anaheim Ducks. His stick kicking, helmet throwing, temper tantruming antics rivals those like Jonathan Quick and Shane Doan. With his ability to lead his team into a complete meltdown when they are down by a couple of goals earned him a nomination for the Mark Messier Leadership Award.
While Getzlaf's leadership is inspiring, behind every great leader, is a diseased creature that was created by the Soviet Union in the 1950s as a tactical threat during the Cold War.
That disease was named Corey Perry.
When he's not busy irritating every opposing hockey player and fan in this great league, he is bringing back 200 year old diseases and spreading them amongst players. Corey Perry, who has all the classic symptoms of one who is antisocial and in fact embraces these character traits, was deeply discouraged that he has more in common with Orange County residents than he thinks -- they too also don't believe in vaccinations.
While these two tyrants are quite essential to the makings of this horrible, horrible franchise, there is STILL something missing.
As I was sunbathing by my parents' lavish infinity pool last summer, I pondered "hmmmmm, how could the Anaheim Ducks get more disgusting?"
After all, Steve Ott was already promised to the St. Louis Blues, and most of the Kings' free agents were incarcerated.
There is no way that the Ducks could get any worse.
Not possible. Nope. No how. Never.
In Anaheim, the A stands for A-Hole.
Now I've lived in Orange County for 22 years, so I am quite familiar with the culture and its residents (spoiler: 69% of the residents are terrible), but never has there been a resident that has perfectly represented everything that is wrong with this blackhole of a county.
Ryan Kesler is the epitome of Orange County bro.
He is such a douche that when he was expelled from his mother's womb, he was wearing a trucker hat and humming the tune to "Santeria" by Sublime.
The Ducks were certain during the 2014 trade deadline that he would be acquired (that plan failed bee tee dub) that they frivolously begun working on a social media campaign entitled #PaintItOrange. Many people don't know that #PaintItOrange was inspired by Ryan Kesler and his weekly appointment to get his rectum spray tanned.
The Ducks acquiring Ryan Kesler sent shockwaves around the league because of how unlikeable he is. The hockey world was horrified, and your friend Stace of Base rejoiced.
Omne. Trium. Perfectum.
The Unholy Trinity of Garbage. The Crybaby, the Douche, and the Anti-Vaxxer. The National Hockey League's version of the Axis Powers. The real life account of HBO's Entourage. Each one represents the three Ted movies (you know for sure that awful franchise is going to be a trilogy). Nothing is as perfectly awful as this horrid trio of crapbags. The union of these three was certainly the Ducks' greatest accomplishment this year: Bob Murray's own personal Frankenstein.
Now that I've described all of Anaheim's accomplishments for the 2014-2015 season, allow me to thoroughly *sunglasses* roast these ducks.
The Anaheim Ducks are the new San Jose Sharks. A powerhouse in the regular season, a sad sack of crap in the postseason.
/drops mic
Stace Of Base can be found on Twitter here.
