Dustin Penner is still looking for a new NHL gig. But if this whole hockey thing isn’t working out, he clearly has another professional option: Doctor de Amor. Or, you know, Love Doctor.
Penner gave an interview with No Filter Blog in which he strayed away from pucks to provide some insight into the wild world of relationships. (Just read everything in Jason Segel’s voice, as he’s Penner’s vocal doppelgänger.)
For example: Curious, Love Doctor, what would you do to approach an attractive lady in a crowded bar that wouldn’t be totally creepy?
“Most guys are a little creepy, a little obvious.. I would just do the opposite. If you keep making eye contact or you see her looking over, I would approach her and start a simple conversation. My approach is always saying something funny but not obviously funny. If she doesn't get witty or intelligent humor, I don't want to talk to her anyways. For example, if I see a pretty girl I'll say something like ‘you must've been rushed to come out tonight, eh?’ and just see how she reacts. If she asks what I mean I would say ‘Oh I dunno, based on your appearance you might have been in a hurry.’”
Curious, Love Doctor, but what would a woman wear to turn you off?
“Fake hair. [When you run your hands through it, it's like a shopping mall parking lot: speed bump, speed bump.] Fake anything really bothers me. Also that app that airbrushes and blurs out blemishes on your skin. Do girls not know that we know it's not what they look like? It's amateur airbrushing.”
Curious, Love Doctor, but have things ever gotten uncomfortable with someone that’s been interested in you?
“I've dished out 3 restraining orders in my life. One of them, I never met her, would make fake Dustin Penner Facebook accounts and create conversations between her account and the mock account of me and make a relationship. She hacked into my e-mail too. One day the officer called me from Massachusetts and said: ‘We have her in custody but I wouldn't be doing my job if I didn't tell you this, and you're probably not going to like it.’ I'm a curious person so I said, "well, go ahead and tell me." The cop said: ‘We put her in handcuffs and she laughed and said 'this isn't over.'”
Finally, Love Doctor: How important is it to get along with her mother? Like, maybe even following her romantic advice?
“My first year pro we were signing autographs after the game. I was going down the line of fans and I get to a girl who was probably 16 years old and she asked ‘will you have sex with me?’ I immediately got flushed in the face and she was standing right beside her mom. I looked at her mother and the mom was nodding her head and said, ‘Yes, will you?’ I just kept walking - that's not something MY mother would ever encourage!”
And yet she’s just doing what every mom should do for their child: Playing wing-woman to entice intercourse from a professional athlete.