You'd think that, after scoring the series-winning goal in the Washington Capitals' playoff upset over the Boston Bruins, things would be looking up for Joel Ward. But such was not the case. The guy was immediately inundated with racist sentiment.
In an interview with 102.1 The Edge in Toronto, Ward admits that things got rough enough for him to receive a phone call from a concerned FBI agent.
But that's not the only thing Ward opens up about.
Shortly after the Capitals' postseason ended, the playoff hero underwent surgery to correct a sports hernia. And then he made the mistake of attempting to "relieve some stress" while recuperating on bed rest, a story he relays in detail during the same interview:
"I was being a single male laying in bed like that, I figured I'd try to relieve myself a little bit. Well, sure enough I got a nerve that kinda connect from my seeds us to my scarring that slowly prevents me from relieving myself."
"... It was like a dog-choker, just like a zap -- zoop."
"... So of course I panicked and called the doc. He's like, 'You just had surgery, come on.'"
Turns out recuperating from sports hernia surgery is like visiting George Bluth in prison.
Be sure to listen to the whole interview (beginning at about 45:00) if you'd like to hear Joel Ward's tale of failed onanism in his own voice, as well as a sidebar on one of the most awkward things a male nurse can say to you while he's shaving your groin.
Anyway. If you ever wondered if it's possible to masturbate after getting sports hernia surgery (and who hasn't, really), now you know.
In closing, a few pieces of advice for Joel Ward: First, don't tell a story like this in the offseason, where it's basically the biggest hockey-related news story in a week. Second, surgery recovery is for binge-watching HBO programs and nothing else.
s/t to Lindsay Applebaum.
Follow Harrison Mooney on Twitter at @HarrisonMooney