The Florida Panthers, at their game at home against the Washington Capitals on Friday night, are giving away a John Vanbiesbrouck commemorative bobblehead, honoring the goalie that brought them to their only Stanley Cup Final appearance. It looks like this:
So this bobblehead … yeah.
It may not rise to the horrific heights of the Brian Leetch Team USA bobblehead, in which a nearly translucent man is given a chocolaty tan. But it’s still a greatest hits of terrible bobbling. To wit:
• We know Beezer played in another era, but those pads are slightly smaller than the legs on Mooney’s yoga pants.
• That would appear to be a skater’s glove, rather than a goalie’s catching mitt, adorning Beezer’s left hand. Now, we can’t say this for certain without examining the doll but there are a few things than have us suspicious. And those things are called “fingers.”
• We do respect the bold artistic technique used to paint this bobblehead, which we assume involved melting several crayons and then applying the colored goo with a generic cotton swab. This is like a paint by numbers model, if the numbers were in Arabic.
• Finally, you know what the difference between a hockey goalie and a pitbull is? Lipstick. (We believe that’s a lovely shade of coral.)
The first 10,000 fans which means they’ll have, what, around 3,000 left over? (Cheap attendance jokes, FTW.) That's great news, as they can be ground up and used as opaque replacement "glass", as is now the tradition for Florida.