(Ed. Note: Yahoo! Sports Canada has extended coverage of CBC Sports' "Battle of the Blades" Season 2, including exclusive reactions from judge Jeremy Roenick(notes). Each Monday, Puck Daddy will offer a companion piece with our whimsical take on the BOTB competition episodes. For those who watched it, and those in the U.S. that can't yet, here is Erin Nicks of The Universal Cynic, who watches so you don't have to.)
Greetings, Bladeheads, and welcome to Week 3. Last Monday saw the disappointing departure of Georges Laraque(notes) and Anabelle Langlois. Laraque claims that he's not packing away his glittery track pants just yet, because he intends to keep up with adult pairs skating. Neat!
Pour a little soy milk out for everyone's favorite fighting vegan -- we'll miss you, Georges.
Tonight's theme is "Dance", but before we begin, host Ron MacLean shows us a few highlights from weeks past, including Todd Warriner and Isabelle Brasseur's "Shoot the Duck" trick. Naturally, Ron is ready. "They got it on first quack!" The man obviously travels with a brick wall behind him - now all he needs is an 80's style sportscoat with the sleeves rolled up, but I'll require a 20-drink minimum. Sigh. Let's get on with the show, shall we?
Katia Gordeeva and Valeri Bure: Val's skintight gold top appears to be straight out of "The Situation's" autumn line for formal wear. (Aside: To be worn on the nights when you pour your date's Vitaminwater in a really nice glass before you get down to smushing.) Skating to "The Anthem" by Pitbull (featuring Lil Jon), their performance is cute, but Val's attempts to playfully smack Katia on the rear are cringe-worthy. I've seen rowdier behavior at a ladies' auxiliary tea social. After the skate, judge Jeremy Roenick dissolves in a fit of giggles and begins to imitate Bure's moves. "Val, where the heck did you learn to shake your shoulders like that?" Sandra Bezic gives them credit for pulling off the first Lutz twist in the competition, meanwhile guest judge (and Blades alumnus) Ken Daneyko adds, "Wow!" Now that's insight. Total score: 17.4
Violetta Afanasieva and P.J. Stock: V and P's opening video shows Stock struggling with his musicality - apparently during practice, P.J's timing is on par with virgins experimenting with the rhythm method. Skating to Jamiroquai's "Canned Heat", Violetta and P.J pull off a disco-themed performance, complete with a lot of finger-pointing, and enough tie-dye for a vintage Chip & Pepper convention. Judge Sandra wants to give them credit for their adagio lifts, but "now it's time to start working on (their) knee action and footwork." J.R. seems more interested in the wardrobe, adding, "P.J., you make tie-dye look gooood...I wish I had pipes like you!" Ken Daneyko declares, "I thought I was at Studio 54!" I say we all chip in and get him an Andy Warhol wig. Total score: 16.9
Isabelle Brasseur and Todd Warriner: Izzy and Todd are skating to Rihanna's "Pon de Replay." The routine is colourful, with side-by-side "Shoot the Ducks", but it doesn't hold a candle to Warriner's Hawaiian shirt. They're about to wrap it up and...oh my...Todd just broke out "The Sprinkler." You're going to have to give me a minute to collect myself. Judge Sandra says they brought "a lot of technical effort", but wants to see "more rhythm." Total score: 17.3
Jamie Salé and Theo Fleury(notes): J and T's skate is to Rick James' "Super Freak", and fan favourite Theo is playing it to the hilt, including lip-syncing some of the lyrics. Fleury's commitment to the performance is adorable, admirable and hilarious all at once. Judge Sandra takes notice, declaring Fleury to be "fantastic." Ken Daneyko asks Theo, "How did they get you to wear those shiny spandex pants?" For the record, Fleury's pants were black vinyl, and Ken will be sent for a refresher course on fabrics at Don Cherry's House of Haberdashery after tonight's episode. Total score: 17.2
Shae-Lynn Bourne and Patrice Brisebois(notes): Shae-Lynn and Patrice are skating much of their number "in hold" (read: like ballroom dancers), and the risk pays off. Their performance uses the music of Michael Bublé's "L-O-V-E", and the synchronicity of their skate leads to a standing ovation from the crowd. Roenick is definitely impressed. "Patrice, your ability to skate (on figure skates) has come further than anyone else. You're such a natural, it's unbelievable." Total score: 17.7
Jeremy Roenick had some high praise for Shae-Lynn and Patrice:
The show must have sensed that we were in need of some comedic relief, because here's Ron MacLean interviewing flamboyant men's singles skater, Johnny Weir. Weir, complete with a Snooki-type hair poof the size of a throw pillow, is loving the show. "It's so wonderful to see the hockey players without their masks, and seeing the nerves on their faces as they shake their tushies," he exclaims. (Trust me, I couldn't make that quote up if I tried.)
Johnny will be back tonight at the elimination show, skating to Lady GaGa's "Just Dance."
You're shocked, I know.
Kyoko Ina and Kelly Chase: In the opening video, Kyoko says, "We're just playing off each other." She must've been referring to Double K and the province of Saskatchewan. In every episode so far, Ina and Chase have sported Roughriders gear during practice, and tonight they've added the logo to their costumes. Kyoko is hurting after slicing her elbow open on a gate earlier in the week, requiring a few stitches. K-Squared are skating to Katy Perry's "Hot N Cold" - Kelly's smile is infectious, and look out...there's another Sprinkler sighting. Shake those meathooks, Kelly...in a rhythmic and dance-oriented fashion, I mean! (Joel Quenneville probably wants to kick my ass right now.) Judge Sandra sums it up thusly: "Figure skates, sweater vest, Katy Perry, Kelly Chase." Alrighty then. Roenick adds, "(Kelly) I love watching you skate, the smile on your face...thank goodness it was (Kyoko) who hurt your elbow, if it were (Kelly), would've been over. " Chase laughs wildly. Aww. Total score 17.0
J.R. liked the boogie woogie woogie on dance night:
That's it for Week 3 - tune in to CBC tonight at 8 p.m. ET to see who goes, and who gets a facial rash after attempting to dry their tears on Theo's magnificent glossy pants. See you back here next Monday, Bladeheads. Until then, work that sprinkler!