Cosmopolitan Magazine’s list of 2013’s Hottest Hockey Players is out, and once again Ricci Wuz Robbed.
OK, apparently, they actually limit the list to current players. Like Mike Green of the Washington Capitals and Mike Fisher of the Nashville Predators, who make the list again.
(When a player drops off the list, like Zach Parise and Kris Versteeg have, does that indicate a precipitous decline in hotness?)
There are some things the list captures well. Like, apparently, its praise for Marc Methot’s back end, based on this assessment from Psycho Lady Hockey. (“A certain Marc Methot has a butt that won’t quit! I had to restrain myself from pulling the old pass-n-squeeze as he lingered next to our table.”)
Ah, but there are some truly ridiculous selections and explanations as well. Here are five of them …
Henrik Zetterberg’s Nickname Is Not Curly Fries
Sure, it sorta was when the Detroit Red Wings had a promotional tie-in with Arby’s that gave fans free curly fries. But what about “Zetter”? Or “Z”? Or “Hank”? Or “Zaeta”? Or any of the other nicknames that were also easily located on his Wikipedia page?
John Tavares, Sexy Alternate Captain
“This sexy center is an alternate captain for the New York Islanders. But with hotness like that, we think he should be captain.”
First off, this is a direct slap in the face of New York Islanders captain Mark Streit and his Andrew-Lincoln-by-way-of-Vince-Vaughn looks. Secondly, when did sexiness become a mandatory requirement for NHL captaincy? Do they realize Brind'Amour was a captain?
Lies About Phil Kessel
Look, beauty is in the eye of the yadda yadda, so far be it for us to say that Spencer Pratt isn’t a good-looking gent. But we simply won’t swallow your lies, Cosmo. “This sexy right wing helped Team USA win silver in 2010.” One goal in six games?!
The Penguins Undervalued Jordan Staal’s Cuteness
On the Jordan Staal trade, Cosmo writes:
“Hottie Jordan was traded from the Penguins this year. We have no idea how they could let that kind of cuteness go.”
They Have No Idea What Patrik Berglund Sounds Like
“Patrik is from Sweden and you know what that means: adorable accent.”
Yet he’s only a few fewer “da’s” away from sounding Minnesotan.
If that’s adorable, what does that make the Sedins, eh?
And Finally, We Can Only Assume Henrik Lundqvist Is So Sexy That His Sexiness Exists Beyond The Boundaries of This List
We actually had to get clearance from the Federal Administration of Sexy Swedes and Beautifully Engineered Norwegian Dudes – Eastern Region (F.A.S.S.B.E.N.D.E.R.) to run this image …
Read Jeffler for more snark on the Cosmo list.