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Shutdown Corner

Tanier’s Team Reviews: The Seattle Seahawks, via Pete Carroll and Russell Wilson

Shutdown Corner

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When this man is not fired up, he's jacked up about QB competition. (Getty Images)

Any website can post "offseason grades" for NFL teams, mixing the draft and free agency into transaction soup, then straining it through the mind of some sportswriter who doesn't know who half the players are. Only the Shutdown Corner has the resources to get actual players, coaches, and executives from each team to evaluate their own offseasons! That's right: over the next few weeks, you will get transaction evaluations straight from the horse's mouths: straight talk about who was signed, who was lost, who was drafted, and why.

(For the satirically challenged: all player, coach, and executive remarks are made by an impersonator).

In this segment, Seattle Seahawks coach Pete Carroll breaks down his team's offseason moves.

PETE CARROLL: What an awesome day! The sun is shining! The birds are chirping! Let me give a shout out to all the folks at The Circle Perk coffee shop for working so hard to keep all of us energized! And to all the crossing guards making sure kids get to school safely! And to the Seattle-area sewer workers: you guys are the thin line that separates good citizens from their own filth, and I cannot thank you enough!

Fans really need to get amped about our three-way quarterback battle. The front-runner is Matt Flynn, who got America totally stoked in that awesome Packers-Lions game in Week 17. Next, there's rookie Russell Wilson, who is short but fiery. Isn't that right, Russell?

RUSSELL WILSON: Grrrrrr...

PETE CARROLL: I love this kid! He's like a feral cat! And finally, there's Tarvaris Jackson, the Taylor Hicks of NFL quarterbacks. You don't like him, you keep expecting him to lose, and then bang! He finds a way to win a starting job, if not many games.

But enough about the offense. Let's talk defense!! We are going to have one of the best front sevens in the NFL!! Defensive tackle Jason Jones had a great, if quiet, season for the Titans last year. First-round pick Bruce Irvin may have seemed like a reach, but that is only because West Virginia had this crazy idea that a 245-pound speedster was a good fit at defensive end. I like my defensive ends Red Bryant-sized! When I am not being enthusiastic about everything, you can find me in my office drawing up creative defenses, and Irvin is going to be everywhere the offense doesn't expect him to be!!!

Irvin and Wilson had awesome rookie camps. In fact, all of the rookies had awesome camps, as did our parking lot attendants and the people who work so hard to make sure the office wastebaskets are clean enough to guzzle energy drink out of!! Let me dedicate my Song of the Day to the rookies: "Dog Days are Over" by Florence + the Machine! That's right: I'm a 60-year old man who listens to Florence + the Machine!!! Nicky Minaj, too! And don't forget Ke$ha, who is tiny and has a nasty attitude, just like Russell Wilson!!!

RUSSELL WILSON: Grrrr…

PETE CARROLL: Excellent growling, buddy!! Sure, not everything is mega-awesome just yet. We have work to do on the offensive line, where newcomers Frank Omiyale and Deuce Lutui will compete for reps. Lutui is a vegan now. How cool is that!?!? He's a 340-pound vegan, which is why we have converted two of our practice fields into quinoa farms. We also signed Alex Barron, who was famous for his false starts when he played for the Rams. I am not sure where he fits, but if he becomes an Extreme Juicer or militant locavore, I will make sure he has a place on this roster!!!!!

Okay, it's time for my Pilates, then yoga, some transcendental meditation, a frozen yogurt, a brisk jog around the lake while jamming to Adele, and two hours of Happy Days reruns!!!! You guys have been an ultra-super audience!!!!! I love the 12th man!!!! I love the Seahawks!!!!!! I love America!!!!!! I love life!!!!!! This is going to be the best football season ever!!!!!!

I have to go now. Russell Wilson is gnawing on Tarvaris Jackson's leg, and Lutui is grazing in the rhododendrons.

Tanier's Team Reports:
Indianapolis Colts
St. Louis RamsMinnesota VikingsTampa Bay BuccaneersCleveland BrownsWashington RedskinsJacksonville JaguarsMiami DolphinsCarolina Panthers | Arizona Cardinals

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