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Shutdown Corner

Tanier’s Team Reviews: The Arizona Cardinals, via Kevin Kolb

Shutdown Corner

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Kevin Kolb, who lives life inside an "Angry Birds" app. (Getty Images)

Any website can post "offseason grades" for NFL teams, mixing the draft and free agency into transaction soup, then straining it through the mind of some sportswriter who doesn't know who half the players are. Only the Shutdown Corner has the resources to get actual players, coaches, and executives from each team to evaluate their own offseasons! That's right: over the next few weeks, you will get transaction evaluations straight from the horse's mouths: straight talk about who was signed, who was lost, who was drafted, and why.

(For the satirically challenged: all player, coach, and executive remarks are made by an impersonator).

In this segment, Cardinals quarterback (at least for now) Kevin Kolb breaks down the Arizona Cardinals' offseason moves.

KEVIN KOLB: Howdy folks. Don't mind me. I'm just tyin' a few flies, polishin' up the outboard motor, gettin' ready to hit the lake. Goin' fishin' right after we're done. It won't take long, 'cuz the Cardinals didn't do much this offseason.

We didn't get a new quarterback for one thing. Sure, the team chased Peyton Manning, but that was one big river bass with a lot of fight in him. So the quarterback job is mine to lose. And don't you worry, I'm gonna lose it.

It's not that John Skelton is any better than me: he may have led just as many fourth-quarter comebacks as Tim Tebow last year (four), but only city slickers and TV blowhards in fancy suits pay attention to those cow chips. I just have no idea what to do in the pocket. So the third or fourth time I roll to my right and get dragged down by Aldon Smith or somebody, Coach Whisenhunt's gonna decide it's time to cut some fresh bait.

I know Larry Fitzgerald's happy about our new second receiver, Malcolm Floyd. Floyd liked to hit the honky-tonks in college, but he's a big guy, and when he wants to be, he can be as fast as a boar gettin' flushed by three hound dogs.

We also have a new guard, Adam Snyder, who will take over for Rex Hadnot. Wanna hear something funny? Hadnot was the only Cardinals offensive line starter who didn't recover a fumble last year. That doesn't mean my blockers, like Levi Brown and Brandon Keith, are heads-up athletes. It just means I fumble a lot: eight times last year. So this year, I'm gonna drop back, see Fitzgerald double-covered, forget all about Floyd, roll right thinkin' that I'm Cam Newton or somebody and can outrun Bruce Irvin or Trent Cole, get hit, fumble, and Snyder's gonna be there to fall on it. Then Skelton can lead the comeback.

That's about it for the major moves. We didn't do much on defense, but Sam Acho and Patrick Peterson had fine rookie years and look like they are gonna be keepers. Other than Floyd, we didn't do much in the draft. We didn't even have a second round pick, because the Cardinals traded it to get … me. Sometimes I worry that I might be part of the problem. Then I think, heck, it's not my fault you traded so much for me. It's not my fault you paid me so much, then paid my roster bonus this offseason. Then I just take my boat out to the other side of the lake, drop a line, listen to the dragonflies buzz, and reckon I'll just enjoy the ride while it lasts.

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