"Nope -- I'm a quarterback. I can't explain the Vinny Cerrato era any better than you can." (Getty Images)
Any website can post "offseason grades" for NFL teams, mixing the draft and free agency into transaction soup, then straining it through the mind of some sportswriter who doesn't know who half the players are. Only the Shutdown Corner has the resources to get actual players, coaches and executives from each team to evaluate their own offseasons! That's right: over the next few weeks, you will get transaction evaluations straight from the horse's mouths: straight talk about who was signed, who was lost, who was drafted, and why.
(For the satirically challenged: all player, coach, and executive remarks are made by an impersonator).
In this segment, Redskins rookie quarterback Robert Griffin III and owner Dan Snyder break down their team's offseason moves. Hit it, guys!
ROBERT GRIFFIN III: Taking over the starting quarterback job can put a lot of pressure on a rookie. So can becoming the public face of a franchise. While I have a lot to learn, I assure you that I can handle those pressures. Heck, I am the only rookie doing one of these strange little "roundup" articles, and I am not nervous at all.
DAN SNYDER: You are doing a great job, RGIII! Can I get you anything? Bottled water? A fine Merlot? How about some money? I have a cement mixer full of money I can dump on you, to cool you off.
GRIFFIN: No thanks, boss. I am fine. Anyway, I was the Redskins' most noteworthy offseason acquisition. As soon as the Redskins traded up so they could select me in the draft, they signed two receivers: Pierre Garcon and Josh Morgan. They are both pretty good, I guess, though neither one is really a go-to guy. Then they tried to upgrade the secondary by signing three safeties: Brandon Meriweather, Madieu Williams and Tanard Jackson. Meriweather made the Pro Bowl a few years ago, but the Patriots then released him for making too many mistakes, and neither of the other guys are difference-makers. Like Garcon and Morgan, they make the Redskins a little better, though not good enough to become a force in the conference.
I have to wonder, boss: why do you always sign two or three free agents per position? Why not just get one good player, then draft a rookie to challenge him or groom as his replacement? It just seems to me that filling the bench with 30-year-olds is really expensive and makes it hard to develop young talent.
SNYDER: I don't need to develop young talent, RG! You're my young talent! Hey old buddy old pal, you like sushi? I can get us a table at Sei. Just you, me and maybe Noriaki comes out to the table for us. What do you say?
GRIFFIN: I don't think it's appropriate to fraternize with the owner. It sends the wrong message.
SNYDER: Oh, come on! Clinton Portis hung out with me for years and it never, ever, caused a problem.
GRIFFIN: Boss, you hired me to do the best job I can do, and that is why I am taking this offseason report seriously. Some of these free-agent acquisitions look like you were just grabbing available bodies. And then, after trading two future first-round picks and a second-round pick to get me, you selected quarterback Kirk Cousins in the fourth round.
SNYDER: Oh, don't worry about Cousins. We are going to develop him, then trade him in two years for a high draft pick.
GRIFFIN: Are you serious? You guys were so lost for the last decade that you couldn't find your own butts without a tour guide and Google maps. Now that I am here, suddenly you are Belichick Junior and can outsmart the system? Boss, if your organization had any ability to develop a young quarterback, I would be in Cleveland right now. I am still trying to clean the stains out of the bottom of my locker that were left by Jason Campbell's tears.
You are only two years removed from trading high draft picks to the Eagles for a beat up veteran your own coaches didn't even want, so don't pretend you have suddenly become robber barons who can flip a middle-round pick like he's a condo in a trendy neighborhood. We didn't need a quarterback to "groom" behind me. We needed another wide receiver, or a linebacker, because we aren't going to have any high draft picks until 2015!
SNYDER: I can tell Cousins made you mad. Tomorrow morning, he's gone. Then, I will buy you something nice, baby. Earrings? No, you like socks. Diamond crusted socks, signed by the entire cast of "The Avengers." What do you say?
GRIFFIN: This is getting creepy. Folks, I am thrilled to be in Washington, and you can count on an exciting season from me. Some of the other young guys are going to be a lot of fun to watch too, like running back Roy Helu and pass rushers Ryan Kerrigan and Brian Orakpo. As for the all of the parts coming together to form a whole, I am afraid it may be business as usual here in D.C. The Redskins are a lot like politics, I'm afraid. The only things that change are the names.
SNYDER: Where are you going, RGIII? Come back! COME BAAAAACCCK!
GRIFFIN: Sorry, boss. Your unconditional love is a little smothering. I need some space. I have to call someone who doesn't like me quite as much. Hello, coach?
KYLE SHANAHAN: Kid, I'm not real crazy about your conditioning. And have you learned your playbook yet?
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