Tanier’s Team Reports: The Jacksonville Jaguars, via Shahid Khan

Mike Tanier

Any website can post "offseason grades" for NFL teams, mixing the draft and free agency into transaction soup, then straining it through the mind of some sportswriter who doesn't know who half the players are. Only the Shutdown 50 has the resources to get actual players, coaches and executives from each team to evaluate their own offseasons! That's right: over the next few weeks, you will get transaction evaluations straight from the horse's mouths: straight talk about who was signed, who was lost, who was drafted, and why.

(For the satirically challenged: all player, coach, and executive remarks are made by an impersonator).

In this segment, Jaguars owner Shahid Khan breaks down his team's offseason moves. Take it away, Mr. Khan:

KHAN: Goodell … from hell's heart I stab at thee.

You marooned me in this barren penal colony of a media market to rot. But I shall have my revenge. The Genesis Project shall restore this organization to lush glory.

My offense now features two products of 21st century eugenics, wide receivers Laurent Robinson and rookie Justin Blackmon. Robinson caught 11 touchdown passes for the Cowboys last year. Blackmon caught 18 touchdowns for Oklahoma State. The entire Jaguars offense combined for just 12 passing touchdowns last year. No more shall Jarret Dillard and his ilk pollute the huddle with their feeble imitation of football. Goodell, prepare to face my army of supermen!

It is true that this army lacks a field general as of now. Chad Henne does not strike fear in opponent's hearts, though unlike my predecessors I will not cut him days before the start of the season and throw the organization into chaos. Henne will start until the Ceti eel has burrowed deep into Blaine Gabbert's mind. Soon, he will obey my every command, and we shall no longer be reliant on Maurice Jones-Drew to supply all of our offense.

Do you think that a chess master like me has forgotten about defense? Quite the contrary: while your attention was focused on my attack, I secretly reinforced my defense. Free agent Aaron Ross bolsters my secondary, while second-round pick Alan Branch improves a pass rush that recorded just 31 sacks. Most importantly, I ensured the loyalty of my returning troops. I re-signed Jeremy Mincey, the Jaguars sack leader last year. We have not suffered any major losses or defections. You must worry about a Maria McGivers in your ranks, Goodell. My forces are utterly devoted to the cause of throwing off the yoke of oppression.

So do not mistake me for some moustache-twirling villain, Goodell. Indeed, if I were to begin twirling this lhasa apso that's glued to my upper lip, we would be here all day. The Jaguars have been in suspended animation for too long. Now that we have been revived, we crave power. And who can stop us? Andrew Luck? The decimated forces of the Texans? The ridiculous Matt Hasselbeck? None dare challenge me.

Better to reign in hell than to serve in heaven, Goodell. And better to reign in Jacksonville than serve in the auto parts industry for the rest of my life, making fenders and taillights and seats of rich Corinthian leather. I have made my opening, Goodell. You may counter as you see fit. Soon, you will find yourself in an unfamiliar position: checkmate.

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