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MJD

I have so many questions about Pacman and the urinal attack

MJD
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When the news broke that Pacman was involved in a fight at a hotel, my first thought was, "A fight? With who? Pacman's got his own bodyguard/babysitter traveling with him at all times!" And then I read this:

DALLAS (AP)—Dallas Cowboys cornerback Adam “Pacman” Jones was involved in a fight with one of his bodyguards [...]

Oh.

It just raises so many questions, most of them related to the bigger concept of a grown man having a babysitter to begin with. It's not an area that gets explored often in society, as most grown men who need babysitters have someone called a "parole officer" filling that gap.

Some of the questions I have this morning:

1) Obviously, first and foremost, I'd like to know what the fight was about. Ludacris was hosting a movie premiere event at the the Joule Hotel in Dallas, and the fight reportedly took place in the bathroom (of course).

Was the babysitter arguing with Pacman over his behavior? Was he telling Pacman he couldn't do something, because it might get him in trouble? Or was it just some bullsugar fight over, you know ... money or disrespect or a woman. Mr. Bodyguard/Babysitter, if you're out there, and have anything to get off your chest ... please, by all means.

2) What are the qualifications for being hired as a babysitter for Pacman Jones anyway? Is this something that requires a degree?

It just seems like the number of people you could hire would be extremely limited. You couldn't just hire a guy who lives a responsible, boring life, going home every night, watching movies, playing Xbox, and just chilling at the crib. Because Pacman obviously has a need to go out. He'd just ignore that guy.

You need someone who likes the club life, but who can enjoy it in a way that's both fun for Pacman and responsible for human beings in general. And it's gotta be someone Pacman will listen to. How do you interview for that?

You know what I'd have done if I were Jerry Jones? I'd have signed Chris Henry as a free agent, with no intention of getting him on the field. The "job interview" would be to take Chris Henry out to the club and see if you could control him. If you went out two nights in a row, and Chris Henry never felt a cop's knee in his back, you move on to the next phase of the interview process.

3) If you tell a grown man -- even if that grown man is a child -- that he requires a bodyguard, it's only a matter of time before that grown man and the guy telling him what to do clash, isn't it?

4) Who actually won the fight? I suppose this is the least important question, but I'd still like to know. Here's the account given to CBS 11 from Pacman's babysitter:

At least one mirror was broken in the confrontation, and sources say Jones appeared to be intoxicated.

The unidentified body guard told CBS 11 sources that Jones is prone to bad mood swings when he has been drinking. According to the body guard, he was using a urinal when Jones came inside and stuck him in an unprovoked attack. He also said he hit Jones back.

Ah, the old urinal attack. Very effective maneuver. I remember reading about that one in The Art of War. It's got a high success rate for winning the fight, but you're probably going to get peed on, or at least punched by a guy who hasn't washed his hands thoroughly. It's not for the faint of heart.

5) Oh, and how's that Ludacris movie? As nuanced and sophisticated as it looks?

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